South London Supermarket Stolen

by Shaky Parkinson

Offensive promotion.

The townsfolk of Purley have been left stunned after their local 150,000 sqft, 24hr Tesco+ was stolen in a daring raid yesterday evening.  The thieves made off with the shop at around 6pm leaving staff and shoppers shocked and confused.

"Until they disappeared."

A number of individuals dressed in dark tracksuits and hooded tops are said to have entered the shop at around 9am carrying large travel bags and were seen acting suspiciously for a number of hours until they disappeared into the rush hour queues with the building and its contents.

"Everything was fine one minute," claimed eye witness shopper Cathy Ballake, "I was looking up the calorie content on a Muller crunch corner then all of a sudden there was a heavy breeze and my basket had disappeared along with the yogurt and the rest of the fridge aisle."

"There'd been a bit of a draft all day," noted Supervisor Gregory Patesh, "So I was speaking with our maintenance man in the delivery area when the air conditioning unit that we'd been inspecting vanished before our eyes not too mention the ladder we were using.  I wasn't even able to fill out a health and safety report for Graham's broken pelvis because all our offices had been stolen. I just can't believe this has happened."

Suspects.

"I'm not even supposed to be here today," claimed employee Dante Hicks, "I was taking a break out back and before I could drench them in milk my Frosties had disappeared and the floor was covered. I'm not even supposed to be here."

"There were."

Head of security Arthur Shank was monitoring the store's cameras at the time of the robbery, "There were a few suspicious looking characters hanging around the magazines but as went to alter the cameras for a better look the security console was gone along with my keys and hat. I don't know what to tell you. I think I was still shaken by the day's earlier incident."

Mr. Parker being held captive.

The incident mentioned took place at 1.15pm when 82 year old retired priest George Parker was pinned and held at gun point after being accused of shoplifting a Twix. Mr. Parker had apparently, 'Popped in for a snack' when he was jumped on his way out of the supermarket for what later turned out to be a fault with the self-service checkouts. Yet it is incidents such as this that have raised questions about Tesco's 'Coin for Convicts' program that sees work based rehabilitation placements offered to recently paroled criminals in a bid to help reintegrate them into society.

"We need to look into the program," spoke Group CEO Philip Clarke, "After that job centre toilet incident we thought we'd go heavily in the opposite direction but that seems to have bitten us in the arse. That's not to say we are accusing anyone but the loss of an entire store is really serious. They cost a bloody fortune to build, so all in all with the vicar's lawsuit it's been a pretty shocking day."

"Good Riddance."

Feeling wasn't all negative with the general public taking a very different stance on the robbery with Mrs. Robinson of Eckton Drive happy at the Tesco's misfortune, "I say good riddance, the food is overpriced and the quality leaves much to be desired, like taste and freshness. They need to know people won't stand for it and I think the thieves should be praised, but certainly not knighted."

One gang member working
unnoticed at the front of store.

"I'm in two minds," spoke shopper Darren Hump, "I was in the market for a box of Mr. Kipling Lemon Slices but quite frankly I'm outraged at the cost and seeing as I'm not the slimmest chap I'm glad the temptation has been taken away from me. This is going to do wonders for my diet."

"We have no definitive leads."

It is thought that recent trouble with the supermarket giant at their choice of 'holier than though' advertising which caused massive friction with the local community is to blame however police were quick to distill these ideas, "What we're dealing with here is a total lack of respect for the law, chkechkechkchkchk," claimed Detective Inspector Mike Willis of the Metropolitan Police as he removed his earphones, "At this current time we have no definitive leads but are pursuing a number of enquiries."

He continued, "What we do know is that this is sadly not a revenge theft, just a meticulously planned heist. From the CCTV footage we have obtained from our security cameras before they were stolen we believe that the suspects are a large gang of about five individuals and either a midget or a sixth member with severe bone disfigurement.  At this stage of the game we don't hold out much hope of finding the supermarket intact as it is likely to have been broken down and sold off in parts so we ask the public to be vigilant for any non-bagged multipack salt and vinegar Walkers.  In addition to our investigation we are appealing for anyone with any information to come forward so that we can solve this doozy before it gets the better of us."

One thief subtly entering
the premises.

Despite no arrests being made the police aren't ruling out the prospect that the robbery could be linked with similar thefts in Croydon and Redhill where two Post Offices, an ASDA and a Timpsons were stolen in a week long spree in June by a scrap gang working out of Twatlington.

"I've got one child!"

The aftermath of the theft is still being realised as scores of people have begun rioting in the now vacant  car park due to an inability to purchase liquor for the coming weekend. "They've got us by the balls," claimed protestor Sandra Gubbins, "They take down all the competition then go and get themselves stolen and as usual it is us that suffer. I've got one child to feed, not too mention the fact I've got nothing to serve our friends at tomorrow's barbecue, this is a disaster. I feel abused."

Rioters in the car park.

"I don't know what they expect us to do," continued Clarke, "They'll just have to get through the next two days sober.  Our first priority is to recover our missing property and if they need food they'll have to make do with their nearest Tesco Metro which is only 0.1miles away."

Police have been called to the scene to calm the rabble and investigate the claims that certain rioters have been seen making amateur firebombs to launch at the foundations of the supermarket. "This is very counter productive," continued Detective Willis, "The more time we have to waste yelling at these morons the longer it is going to take us to get our job done."  However it seems set that the rioting is set to continue as the police's hope of catching the culprits lessens with every minute.

Tesco Fail To Hit Total Dominance Of UK Economy

by Shaky Parkinson

Your local Tesco.

Tesco shares have today fallen by 15% after the company failed to achieve total dominance of the UK economy in the 14 weeks leading up to January 7th.  The company has stated that it is "Disappointed" with its Christmas trading.

"Things are tough," said a Tesco Spokesmanwoman, "Sales were up by 5% but for some reason we aren't yet in complete control of everything.  We set down targets and these have to be met or Head Office gets funny.  Even after our unbelievable price hikes over the last five years we still missed are predictions.  We've quadrupled the price of our economy value tuna from 19p to 78p and look where that's gotten us.  With the price rises on bread alone you'd expect at least a majority shareholding in the NHS.  We've tried our best and it seems that shopper's would rather go elsewhere.  We're just after a few more pennies.  Every little helps."

Despite having such wildly unreachable goals the figures and targets speak for themselves and far away in a place called 'The Stock Market' there was an unexpected rush to sell as many shares as possible in a bid to save the pennies.

"Pennies make pounds," stated Trader Trench Slick "And pounds buy things.  So if there is even the slightest whiff of losing our pennies we're out.  It starts with a bit of banter around the water cooler and then by lunch everyone is in the loop.  It's concentrated fear and uneasiness, and that is what makes the world go round."

A graph showing not so
good things.

"When you expect to make a trillion pounds and you make a bit less than that it hurts.  It really hurts," continued the Spokesmanwoman, "If this trend keeps up we might only make a few billion pounds in clear profit over the next year and frankly that sounds like a waste of time.  At best we'll see minimal profit growth and I'm starting to think all those companies that are going bust and getting a bit of spare time are on the right track."

Tesco have not been the only company to suffer over the Christmas period.  Home Retail Group who own Argos and Homebase said its like-for-like sales (?) were down and that a sharp rise in home accidents involving nail guns have proven bad for business.

Business Guru Frank Splosh shed some light before commenting on the economy's recent downturn, "People are pricks.  They'd rather sit at home and order a reasonably priced DVD off Amazon and receive excellent customer service instead of trudging into town in the rain to be told by a gormless JJB Sport employee that the trainers they are after 'Could be here somewhere'.  Frankly I find the whole matter deplorable."

Either way the recession has officially hit businesses hard and although there is still profit to be had it seems the profit is not high enough for some.

Worral Thompson Praised After Queue Jumping

by Shaky Parkinson

Last Friday, Egg Whisker and Saucepan Designer Anthony Royal Thompson was caught queue jumping by security staff at the Henley-on-Thames branch of Tesco.  It seems he had entered the store in a flustered state in pursuit of some 'Low Value' cheese and wine but upon reaching the tailback at the express checkouts Thompson took matters into his own hands and left the building.

Despite being unable to leave with his goods Thomspon broke free of the Staff and ran off into the car park screaming with delight.  His actions sparked numerous uprisings throughout the middle classes and it is thought that the thousands of pounds Tesco pocketed on staff cut backs were wiped out by the sudden disappearance of six million cubic tonnes of Red Leicester.

"He's a Saint," whispered nearby shoppers, "He's broken the mould and done what we all wish we could do if we had a well established television career behind us."

"I'm just a man," claimed Thompson on Monday's edition of The One Show, "We were having a few friends over and so I had to make a dash for a few vitals.  If the supermarket hadn't pushed me to breaking point with their lengthy queues I wouldn't be here today." 

Thompson leading the fight for
rights.

Thompson escaped prosecution on grounds that, "Tesco had already gotten their publicity's worth out of the event and simply wanted to return the cheese to its housing before it went moldy and had to be written off.  

Yet Thompson's acts have called for a probe into the supermarket's 'We'll open a till if there's a line' policy.  "There was one work experience girl to service fifty of us and that wasn't good enough," sounded Thompson, "If no one stands up to these tossers where will we be?" 

Off the back of his unexpected success Thompson has outlined a program of protest to defeat the unnecessary removal of goods from supermarkets in a quick manner that leaves people free from stress and anger.  His 'Five Minutes Or Free' campaign is set to launch on Sunday to moderate reception.