"You're Aware This Is Murder, Right?"

by Shaky Parkinson

In a landmark case a High Court Judge has today ruled that killing someone is murder.  "Oh, it's murder alright," stated the Judge who we can only refer to as J, "If you stop someone living and this causes death, then I'm 99% sure you've just committed murder."

The ruling came this morning when the evidently pissed off family of a brain damaged woman, we'll call her Rose, were legally forced to let her live.  "She'd have never wanted this," wept Rose's daughter Rose 2, "She'd have wanted to die, I'm like 99% sure of it."

It seems that numerous barriers were unearthed during the trial that stopped Rose's family finally doing away with her and getting their hands on the inheritance.  One such problem with the case was the law, the others being the fact that they were arguing for legalised murder and that Rose's entire family are fucking morons albeit incredibly optimistic ones.

The Guff spoke to Rose's second daughter, Rose 3 to hear her justify herself, "She's not much of a talker. She's just so dull which makes the family visits a nightmare.  We even bought her an Xbox 360 but after a few months we realised that the look of vague detachment on her face was a result of the accident.  She hadn't even picked up the controller.  I know in my heart that she would've jumped at the chance to play 'Gears of War III'.  Seeing her ignore it is proof that she wants to die."

We tried to talk to Rose herself but all we gleamed from the interview was some frantic eye movements which truth be told doesn't really fill up the notebook in any satisfying way.  What we can say is that  although 'Gears of War III' is much like its predecessors it lacks the energy and involvement that made the original such an engaging piece of software.

When asked to comment the Jury was unanimous in their verdict, "You're aware this is murder, right?"

"Believe it or not," continued J, "But we actually want people to live.  Despite its numerous flaws the law is very optimistic in its approach to lengthy suffering.  We like seeing people alive and by gum we'll do everything in our power to uphold that belief."

"We are completely and resolutely upset and disappointed and upset," claimed Yogi Amin, the representative of Rose's family, "We cannot believe that in this day and age we cannot legally kill people.  I mean this isn't like a gunfight in a salon, this is a simple family matter, without violence, to end the life of someone we are pretty sure wants to die.  She didn't hear that did she?"

Rose's family have claimed that the fight isn't over and come hell or high water their beloved mother will soon be gracing the gate of the God she seems so ready to shit on.

Labour Probably Promise 'Heaven On Earth'

by Shaky Parkinson

The no nonsense, life ruining, money swindling, retarded farts known as the Labour Party have taken policy making to the next extreme by promising the countries' morons 'Heaven on earth'.

"We believe in people being given everything they want as long as it means we look good and get to stay at the top," said Ed Balls, "Everyone is pissed off that they are loosing cash because of the mess left by us the last Labour government so despite it being completely unfeasible we have decided to promise that we will reverse as many of these cuts as we can.  We're not them, we're New New Labour which is really new."

It appears the majority of cuts to be reversed will magically benefit people from strong Labour backgrounds and areas or indeed any potential vote.  "I think people have to believe what we say and that means we have to be very careful about what we say," stated Balls in a Radio 4 interview.

According to Balls, "Britain is crying out for a better way," and that "He would not be making any irresponsible promises," he simply said, "We'll see you all on the lawn outside the pearly gates and it will be heaven with Labour."

"Tossers," remarked David Cameron, "You put on a damn tie and your public enemy number one.  What is wrong with these morons, I bet half the people whinging voted for this mess in the first place.  These cretins all see me as some sort of rich snob, well here's a truth, I see them as a bunch of greedy simpletons with about as much brain capacity as a melted dildo.  If you want to throw our country down the shitter because of a bit of discomfort then go fuck yourself.   I'll get on the blower and tell Oxfam to pull the plug on their latest advertising campaign."

"Whatever people disliked about our last term in office then that is what we will probably not do, and that's a certainty, which is probably better than a promise.  Just vote for us and find out," finished Balls.



News Guff must state it has always been the beacon of impartiality and no amount of bribes or free Caramacs will change that.  Eat Caramacs they're grrreeeeeeaaaaaat! 

Scientists Bitch About Natural Selection

by Shaky Parkinson

When Scientists aren't busy trying to outwit God it seems they have other pressing issues on hand, namely begrudgingly bitching about natural selection and the progress of species.

Today's current whinging is the result of a study commissioned at Oxford University by the People's Trust for Endangered Species that found the Red Squirrel to be almost extinct within the British Isles.  "It is so cute," blurted out one Whitecoat, "I don't care how much faster or quicker those bloody grey American Squirrels are, we don't want any foreigners coming over here and cluttering up our forests."

The study also found that the hedgehog population had dropped from over 30million in the 1950's to around 1.5million.  We spoke to Farmer Giles about the recent dip, "Serves them right.  If a hedgehog can't stop itself getting eaten with all those damn spikes on its back then it deserves to go.  That's just the way it is.  I thought that was what those tossers have been winging about for years.  Survival of the fittest and all that."

The shocking thing about the report is that it claims the number of otters, polecats and water voles are substantially on the increase thus justifying the idea of a progressive world.  "No, no, no!  It doesn't work like that!" spouted the Whitecoat, "We want everything to stay the same unless it suits us.  I don't care if the loss of the Red Squirrel results in life elsewhere, that isn't right or how it supposed to go.  We are supposed to do what we like and make sure the species we think are cutest get the highest preference.  Give me that bat."

It seems the paper has sparked off much controversy throughout the scientific community with a campaign to save the Red Squirrel currently in full swing.  

"It could be anywhere," says Man from Crater

by Shaky Parkinson

No wreckage has yet been found of NASA's UARS satellite that crashed into the earth earlier today.  "See, we were right," claimed Mark Matney, NASA's orbital debris scientist, "It all burnt up in the atmosphere and the rest sort of landed in the sea."

It seems reports have been flooding in from disappointed people across the United States who were looking forward to a bit of sad excitement.

"This is bullshit," stated Marge Printpress, "When someone states a satellite is going to crash land you expect someone to get hurt and we didn't even see a stubbed toe."

"Like the rest of us I was setting my sights on a spectacular 'I told you so', and now I'm really bored," whinged Donny Poppins of Seattle.

NASA has commented by saying, "We told you this was going to happen. You little shits just wanted us to fuck up something else so you'd have another thing to bitch about.  Well fuck you!"

"Don't believe them," cited conspiracy theorist and warlock Timmy Knowles, "We already have amateur footage of what appears to be lasers shooting something out of the sky at the exact moment of re-entry.  And if you fiddle with some numbers it conclusively proves that the lasers must have come from Cape Kennedy."

"No they didn't," butted in Matney.

"Well what do you make of the huge crater situated outside Boise where there is a supposed Man saying, 'It could be anywhere?" countered Timmy.

"We have proof that this report is nothing more than a drummed up hoax being circulated by a fool on his third-rate satirical news blog," replied Matney.

Timmy then responded with, "We know there is a cover up of something or someone or maybe even a thing that is of a thing that has weird parts stuck on it.  Whatever it is we aren't being told about it is being covered up."

"Of course we don't tell you everything moron," thundered Matney, "You cannot be privy to all the information you desire on a whim.  If you want to enlist in the NASA training program and work for the knowledge then be my guest.  For example, do you really believe that the ring of sincerity prevailing within the retail sector is a true depiction of honesty?  No.  We didn't screw up and no one got hurt so suck it."

Luckily no one was hurt in the crash but it is hoped that a body or a dead family pet will materialise soon.  Still as time goes on the chances of finding anyone dead are getting slimmer and slimmer.

Greece Attempts Suicide

by Shaky Parkinson

The current economical situation in the Eurozone seems to have proved too much Greece as earlier today the country decided to take its own life.  Economists were called onto the scene this afternoon and have claimed that 'Strike Action' was said to be the method used in the attempt.

We spoke to George Osborne, "The word on the grapevine is that the money all us sensible countries lent to Greece was apparently too tyrannical.  The methods and restrictions we have put in place to ensure that Greece is still able to feed itself were apparently really mean."

Since the incident Greece has been locked within a stupidity coma that makes communication impossible.  It is hoped Economists and Politicians can somehow bring Greece round but the outlook is bleak, not very good and potentially bad.

"I loved Greece like a son," wept Nicolas Sarkozy, "I work, I toil and for what?  Look at how the world has treated Greece.  Watch it lying helpless and unloved on its own back.  I did everything for it and this is how I am repayed."

The incident has also sparked a number of radical copycats, all hell bent on defaulting this life in the desperate hope of somewhere richer.  "Once that volcano blasts up again we're going to the top and hurling ourselves into the crater," whinged Iceland, "Things are looking pretty grim and we are also running low on cash.  That money we stole from Great Britain didn't even cover the heating bills.  So we've decided this is all for the best."

America toyed with the idea for a few minutes before hearing that the Russians were too enthusiastic about the plans, so unless a double bluff can get the go ahead the threat of more defaulting may be averted.

Economists have said that Greece is in a critical state but even a small union ballot could be enough to send it over the edge.  They were adamant that Greece would recover in time and that they, "Weren't letting go."

"Our thoughts are with the family," stated David Cameron, "They are also with it's wallet.  Let's hope there's a donor card in there."

Today's Sporting Round-Up

by Shaky Parkinson

It appears that there was sport today with results culminating in many various wins across the UK.  Football and rugby were amongst some of the big favourites that suffered defeat with darts coming in a close third.  The tennis versus curling bout won't be decided until the fifth round with a 2-2 outcome prevailing in the sailing.

Extreme sports sore a boost against the dollar but took a beating against the FTSE 100 which triumphed against Swansea but lost its footing when Windsor came back with a last minute point.

The diving was forced into catastrophe while a runaway shuttlecock caused an upset for Jenson Button in the Doncaster Grand Prix.

The cricket was called off, as was the rain that left a clean path free for Bradford Unathletic when they stormed to victory against everyone in the cup final semis.

There was a penalty fine when Kingsley hit a rounder in the UFC, which caused ripples amongst the bowling clubs of London who lost a 15/1 bet on Wilbur's Knob in 9:17.5 at the oval.

Snooker was up with Jimmy White's ten-hour return from retirement proving unsuccessful when Ryan Giggs scored a century at Highbury Park.

Injuries were numerous with David Beckham and Wayne Rooney both being excused from play while Alex Ferguson had to bow out of a charity fistfight due to stress and a brain haemorrhage.

In the Premiership, football went down by three with Queens Park Rangers getting a thumbs up as Chelsea went ahead by fifty to secure a place in the Championship Euro.

The pools saw an upturn in numbers with a 4,4,2 win from Charlton racking up a ten second lead in the hundred metre hurdles with a new world record still under questioning.

And that's the sport.

Great North Run Ends In Completion

by Shaky Parkinson

The 2011 Great North Run kicked off yesterday with 54,000 do-gooders' out in force representing their chosen charities.  The event has raised thousands for causes throughout the country and ended without too much faffing after the last entrant had crossed the finish line.  News Guff visited the event to get the skinny from the people who had nothing better to do on a Sunday.

"It was great," chimed Mr. and Mrs. Pollyoddlywaddly, "There was one hemophiliac dressed up as a blood clot bless him.  He was doing really well until he caught his neck on his clothing tag.  The ambulance was quick to show up so the effort hadn't been in vain.  Where would they be without our support?"

"Bollocks," claimed Mr. Twatt, " I've never seen such a lack luster race in all my life.  Half of the lazy fucks had given up before they'd hit the starting line and they didn't even stand a chance after they let the wheelchairs off first.  I'd hardly call that fair.  There weren't even any good crashes.  Bollocks."

"What," said this Other Chap, "I don't know anything about any fucking race, go talk to that weirdo in the dragon costume."

"Wicked," said the Weirdo in the Dragon Costume, "It was a record year for heat exhaustion. I got close but that can of Vimto I had at lunch lost it for me.  They were dropping like flies and it hurt not being able to keep up but there is always next year."

"This is the second run I've ever witnessed," claimed pro-athlete Jimmy Knickers, "It was interesting but overall I felt the performance tedious, slow and lacking in a climactic ending, once they'd crossed the white line there was just varying degrees of enthusiastic clapping.  I was not impressed.  One star."

"I'll be honest with you, any run that doesn't involve Paula Radcliffe getting her cooch out and spraying the pavement is a good one," blurted one Angry Pedestrian as he left a Psychiatrist's office.

"I started my diet yesterday and I thought I'd better get a bit of jogging done," claimed Joshua Tubbins, "Let's just say I'm over the hump and I have definitely broken myself into the routine.  Its just a shame I am suffering from extreme exhaustion and probably won't be able to walk again for six weeks."

There was also a report of elderly woman, Molly Coddling getting caught up in the charge.  A search party has been organised and volunteers are hopeful that she will be found dead or alive by next Wednesday.  "I saw her wave good morning then she was gone," claimed front lawn gossip, Dawn, "I do hope she's okay.  She's only just gotten over the London Marathon."

"I'm raising dosh for the sports wing of the National Blind League of Veteran's Association," cited Jeremy Twinkle, "Those boys have done a good job and after their eighty years service they deserve a few new squash rackets."

The Great North Run is set to occur again next year in 2012 with even more outlandish costumes and niche charities to take part.