"Trains Exist," Claim Man

by Shaky Parkinson

A London Theologist has today claimed that 'Trains do actually exist'.  The claim comes amid a trying week for Network Rail after rumours of their death circulated on the Internet earlier this month. This coupled with an increasing disbelief in the entire rail network and increasingly bare platforms have lead passengers to accept the complete non-existence of trains as an entity.

Today's announcement will come as relief to millions of commuters and trainspotter's alike as church's have been inundated with requests to God asking for their recreation.  "I remember when trains existed," cited one Old Thing, "They were a marvel of the 21st century and their death left a hole in my heart as big as catheter bag."

"I love trains," claimed this other Wooly Hat and Flask, "They are great and after the funeral we thought this day would never come.  I'm getting a new notepad especially."

The Theologist who would rather not be named as he is dull and boring did have this to say, "I may be dull and boring but being able to prove the existence of trains is a career defining moment."

He went onto rant, "I chose theology as a back door into Oxford and when I got their my ideas were already being cornered and stamped on.  I found a niche in trains and it's a niche that has served me well."

Oct' 2008 - The day the train died.

Despite the evidence it seems not everyone is being won over by the claims, "It's all a load of hokum," winged some Miserable Blighter, "This theologian man person is obviously a crackpot that has been smoking too much wacky backy.  We all know that trains don't exist and may never have existed outside of 1987.  This is clearly a case of conspiracy theory gone mad.  Hokum I say."

When pressured for a response Mr. Boffin had this to say, "My research and theories prove that trains exist.  Think about it?  Go on, think about.  Thousands of people go missing from stations every day only to reappear hundreds of miles away and frankly if that isn't enough then the CCTV footage I have would clearly back me up."

"My investigations show some elongated steam engine contraption appearing on a number of occasions throughout the countries rail stations.  You cannot refute the evidence not to mention the eye witness testimony's.  They cannot cover this one up, we will not be silenced like we were when trains were thought to be dead.  I'm outraged.  Trains exist and if that isn't cause for celebration I don't know what is."

Amidst the confusion News Guff was able to gather a few bemused looks from its readers and it is hoped that after the publication of something or other then the book or even the door will be closed on this case, or carriage.