Obama Returning iPad To Reduce Deficit

by Shaky Parkinson

Recent reports show that Apple Inc are now the only people with any money anywhere and their current operating budget dwarfs even that of the US Government by billions of dollars.  In a desperate bid to even out the problem and raise some cash, American President Barrack Obama has agreed to put down his beloved iPad, Stevie.

"I had to no choice but to return him.  Steve Jobs is pretty well off and I'm thinking that with a refund we can help lower the deficit," stated Obama, "Stevie isn't a standard model either, he has all the sexy extras and I'm told he cost a bomb and the troops are really running low on them."

This comes in a week when America is to pass a bill giving itself the power to extend its own overdraft above its $14.3 Trillion Dollar limit.  "If the iPad scheme doesn't work then we have no choice but to push through the bill.  It will totally ruin our AAA Credit Rating but we are currently loosing $200 billion a month so choices have to be made," sobbed the President as he entered the Washington Apple Store.

Problems arose when Obama was later seen at his favourite cafe with Stevie laughing his butt off to the latest episode of 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'.  When cornered he was quick to defend himself with a quick demonstration, "Look what it does!"  The resulting promotion created an even bigger financial gap between the two giants and the proposed Bill will be looked at this afternoon.

Child Paedophile Brought To Justice

by Shaky Parkinson

After being on the run for almost three years Police have finally tracked down notorious paedophile, Timmy Curious, at his Swindon hideout.  Curious, 6, has been wanted on charges of sexual conduct with minors and peaking up skirts since his escape from custody in 2008.

An anonymous tip off earlier this morning lead to a raid at a flat in Swindon resulting in Curious' capture and an end to his sordid dealings.  "We broke down the door in the earlier hours but Curious was already awake watching cartoons," stated Detective Don Digestive, "He managed to slip out of the kitchen window and make a break for it on his police styled electric quad bike but my men realised he wasn't using regulation light bulbs and pulled him over."

When police examined his Noddy themed Laptop they discovered over 13 trillion indecent images that included a sickeningly large amount of Phineas and Ferb promotional artwork.  Police are still unsure if the cartoon acted as motivation for Curious' actions but behavioural specialists are being called in to tackle the problem.

Curious, who is responsible for numerous therapy bills across Wiltshire and the Midlands has been on Britain's most wanted list since his birth in 2005.  "I think he took far too much pleasure when he came out," stated staff Doctor Mick Flibbins, "But in his defense his Mother had a wonderful vagina, pre birth of course."

A Judge at Swindon Crown Court was quick to sentence Curious to 30 years in a young offenders institute this afternoon saying, "He's been a very naughty boy and hurt a lot of people.  We need to make an example of this youth in a bid to stamp out such horrific activities and I plan to prosecute to the fullest extent of the law."

When dragged from court Timmy managed to whimper a statement through his blanky, "I just peaked at an earlier age, besides what else is there to do in Swindon."

Man Attacks Older Man In A Bid To Further Pathetic Career

by Shaky Parkinson

Part-time Stand-up Comedian Jonathan May-Bowles a.k.a. Jonnie Marbles, has today admitted attacking Old Man Murdoch with a foam pie during his hearing last week.  The moronic attack has today been ridiculed in court with claims that it, "Has helped fuel global stupidity and create a sickening tinge of sympathy to that haggard old megalomaniac.  You should be ashamed of yourself."

"I'm out for me," humbled Marbles, "I love myself, I love my jokes and I love my shocking comb over.  If this stint doesn't get me a reality show then the system will have failed me."

District Judge Daphne Wickham said, "This is a very naughty thing to do and he could go to jail from this act. I urge all television broadcasters and pub basements to be wary of employing this complete and utter fucktard."

Rupert Murdoch, who was saved by the heroic actions of his wife Wendi, was forced to finish his interrogation in nothing but his shirt and tie.  "It was embarrassing," he sobbed, "You don't know what it is like facing a panel of MP's without a jacket.  I can still hear the mumblings.  They said it was fine under the circumstances but I still feel dirty.  It was just jealousy, Marbles couldn't even wear shirtsleeves to his hearing and is just taking it out on the rest of us.  That pie took away my dignity and made me feel as cheap as a contestant on Family Fortunes."

Marbles who had the cheek to ask for a postponement on grounds of a 'pre-booked family holiday' is, "Really making a mockery of the justice system," claimed one Juror, "Amongst other things his reiteration of the sarcastic and insincere comment laid down by Murdoch last week just goes to show you that this man is an absolute cock!"

Marbles, who claimed his 'day' in court to have, "Been the most humble day of my life," apparently showed no signs of remorse and is being hailed by some critics as, "The greatest comedy genius of his minute," and others as, "About as humorous as a post curry shit."

Either way with Stand-up Comedians rapidly becoming the most revered and important people in the universe one thing is clear, Jonnie Marbles may be a colossal cunt but he's in the right line of work for it prove beneficial.

Sympathy For Norway Waning

by Shaky Parkinson

After last weeks car bomb attack in Oslo, sympathy for poor old Norway has already turned into bitter resentment.  It seems the incident has quickly lost its global standing with many world leaders calling the Norwegians, "Babies," and to, "Just get over it."

It seems Jamaica's 'Chill Out' and France's 'Shit Happens' sympathy cards have fallen on unsympathetic ears and have been deemed rude and insensitive by the Norwegians.

"Count yourselves lucky this is the worse thing that has happened to your country since the War.  God forbid anything really disastrous happened.  You sour faced bastards would crumble at the shock," fumed one Global Leader, "How about we stick a tsunami up your ass and see how you cope!"

It seems the social Utopian image being emitted from Norway over the past fifty years was just a publicity stunt claims UN Intelligence.  What with Anders Breivik's initial car bomb causing instant racist attacks in the capital, The World is starting to lose their patience.  "It seems homegrown terrorism is too good for Norway," chimed one Nation.

What with Norway's 100,000 strong Muslim population being the motivation for Anders' violent quest the immigrant population are quite rightly getting very worried at these turn of events.  It seems a man whose appearance screams 'Nazi' was deemed normal enough to warrant a lower threat level than the terrorist cell, Al-Qaeda.

When asked to comment Al-Qaeda said, "Who or what is a Norway?  Are they make believe like the Smurfs?  Why would we blow up the Smurfs?  We love the Smurfs."  Indeed initial reports claim that most Muslims thought they were to blame for the attack which in turn didn't further their cause.

Amid the thousands of gushing mourners roaming the capital's streets there was a sheepish group of Somalians getting some suspiciously aggressive looks.  "It seems Anders' goal may see fruition yet," whispered one Muslim Mother, "The shock of the event is too much for their small Liberal minds to handle and a backlash could potentially happen at anytime."

The killings have only highlighted the fact that behind their clean socialist image the Norwegians are just as racist and fractured as the rest of humanity.  "This really is a wake up call for the buggers," alleged David Cameron, "They should be counting themselves lucky the Death Toll went down.  I never catch a break."

Plans for a national Norwegian field trip to Somalia have met with large scale global enthusiasm but little encouragement at home.  "We'd love to go," grieved one Griever, "But there is just too much grieving to be done and we don't want to get contaminated with whatever it is they have over there."

Unfortunately Norway has failed to learn their lesson with a ten fold increase in national security coupled with fear at an all time monstrosity.  It seems a home grown political attack is still not their fault and the whole world should drop whatever it is doing and join in with their grief.

In response The World said, "They were washing their hair."

Positive 0.2% GDP Gets Negative Response

by Shaky Parkinson

The UK's Gross Domestic Product (GDP) grew by 0.2% in the second quarter of this year, claims the Office for National Statistics (ONS).  The news that the economy is improving has caused much anger throughout Westminster none more so than at Labour HQ where Ed Balls was appalled with the figures.

"It's all Osborne's fault," he raged over lunch, "0.2% is a really small number, it's less than one, so it can't possibly be good.  That VAT rise was outrageous, not to mention his damn spending review messing things up.  He has recklessly choked last year's recovery not too mention he looks like a cast off from the Muppet Show."

No one had the heart to tell Mr. Balls that 0.2% of an economy worth hundreds of billions of pounds was still quite a sizable chunk of cash and that even if growth wasn't hitting predicted levels it was still going up.

When asked for a comment George Osborne was happy, "Just because we aren't hitting the predicted targets doesn't mean things aren't on the up.  I once went to a psychic and she said that given time I would look like a real boy.  So you see you can't trust these things."

Nick Pearce of Institute for Public Policy Research (IPPR) was even more wanked off by the statistics.  "If the economy doesn't get back on track I'm right up shit creek.  At this rate we'll only get about 1.2% annual growth and if I want to keep my kneecaps it needs to be at least 2.6%.  That's the last time I gamble on the advice of Mystic Meg," he whimpered from behind the curtains.

"What more do people want?" continued Osborne, "Growth is growth, unemployment is going down and it isn't my fault if people have spent all their disposable income on a third rate athletics competition."

"That is completely unfounded and true," reacted Pearce, "The recession continues to be felt and the UK economy might as well still be in recession, even if it technically isn't."

Norwegian Man Furious At Lost Invite

by Shaky Parkinson

Anders Behring Breivik, a 32-year-old Norwegian nutbag has murdered at least 93 people on Utoeya Island just outside the capital.  It seems Breivik was motivated to the horrific act after not being invited to the annual Labour Party Youth Camp.

After his car bomb protest in Oslo went relatively unnoticed by security forces, Breivik drove his silver van the 25 miles North West to Utoeya in a bid to, "Really make his point."  It was here that he strategically impersonated a police officer and used his cunning disguise to gate crash the party.

When asked, "To come out and play," the lack of resulting enthusiasm from his victims, "Was a huge mistake," claimed one Survivor.  "In our defense he was really creepy," gibbered another could have been, "We told him it was a Socialist Youth Camp and that as a Right-Wing Fundamentalist Racist we didn't want to play with him.  It was a bit of a shame because he had brought some cool guns to share with us."

Upon being rejected a second time Breivik reportedly, "Flew off the handle and started shooting the shit.  Literally."  "He was an animal," said one Youngster, "We tried to hop foot it into the lake but he kept shooting at us."  Some children were able to hide in nearby caves and shrubs but that didn't stop Breivik in his murderous rampage.

It took police 40 minutes to arrive on the scene and a further hour to finish their coffee and begin operations.  In that time Breivik had decide to stop his rampage but having noticed that his point was still going unquestioned he continued the massacre with renewed vigour by shooting all of the dead bodies a second time, "For some real emphasis."

Eventually Police confronted the killer who gladly put down his guns to be lead away for questioning which later showed the attack to have been motivated, "By being left out and ignored.  They know how much I love the big parachute and campfires.  It was really hurtful not just emotionally, but physically.  Some people just don't know how that feels." Asked why he chose to make his point by murdering 100 innocent people he claimed it was, "Gruesome but necessary."

Detectives were shocked as to Breivik's actions asking him, "Why didn't you just do something dull like any normal Scandinavian?" In response Breivik claimed to be, "Thinking outside the box," and that he, "Wouldn't use an ammunition crate as a control next time."

The government is today looking into the incident to get to the route of why Mr. Breivik's invitation was never sent out.  Initial evidence hints that Breivik had been unhappy about the situation for many years, having voice his opinions in Anti-Muslim videos on YouTube, a feed on Twitter and during his eight year stint as a member of Norwegians' Right-Wing Progress Part.  There was even more swearing when it was revealed that he had recently bought six tonnes of artificial fertiliser for, "Use on his farm," and that his national service training had left him in legal possession of two firearms.

"This was always on the cards and it was a rookie mistake that we didn't cater a political event to silence this fundamentalist fuck nut.  I blame myself.  And also him," sobbed Norwegian Prime Minister, Jens Stoltenberg.

Americans Forced to Acknowledge Rest of the World

by Jack 'The Mac' Mack

The American media was turned upside down today when rumours surfaced about news coverage of an event that wasn't about America, Iraq, Afghanistan or any communist countries. A worried CNN correspondent reported: "I thought it was something really important like a poodle show in Philadelphia. However there were all these people in a room talking about phones and bullying this old man. We ran the story because news is news but we weren't really sure what was happening."

Viewers at home were furious. A Mr. Verne Large of Texas said. "I rang my news centre to complain. Jay Leno was making jokes about the UK. I thought he meant USA at first but then there was a different second letter and a third missing so I was really confused. I can't have been the only one calling in as I was on hold for over an hour. What the hell is going on?"

Top news representatives were quick to reassure the public that the news was USA-centric. "We'd like everyone to know the person at the center of this is Rupert Murdoch who lives in America and gives us quality broadcasting. Yes, he's from Australia but he lives here. The guy makes The Simpsons for god's sake. You can't get more American than that."

Rupert Murdoch was unavailable for comment but his wife clawed our correspondent's eyes out.