Internal Memo: Season's Greetings

Dear All,

First off I'd like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and ask the person who abused the photocopying machine on Saturday's office bash to come forward.  The act was neither entertaining nor clever and reflects a standard of activity far below the heraldic wit that our subscribers have come to expect from us.  God knows how Gladys will react to the sight of next years paper budget being wasted on the promotion of the male member but the task will no doubt take more muscle to fix than the usual mop and bucket approach and I'll not be taking the flack for this one.

That said I'm looking forward to the Carol Concert and utter my thanks to Goodgame who has lived up to his name by faxing across the lyrics for tomorrow's festivities.  Time may be against us but a little work and we'll get this baby nailed.  I've had a read and must confess that my memory was in dire need of refreshing as it would appear I have little recollection of the words and the music quite escapes me having not heard it since the Upper Butterfield Midnight Mass service back in '86.  So have fun with it and I'll see you all at The Plough at a prompt 5ish and we'll soil a few hearts.

Shaky xxx

Away In A Manger (Lyrics)

Hooked up with a minger,

Legs splayed on the bed,

My little poor penis,

Laid down his soft head.

Her parts in the lamplight,

Looked up where she lay,

My little poor penis,

Asleep in her hay.

The prattle is flowing,

In coldness she waits,

My little poor penis,

Sore crying he makes.

I hate thee poor penis,

Catch glance eye to eye,

Let's leave this here bedside,

'fore one of us cries.

Be with me poor penis,

Apologies I pray,

Chance takings will never,

Take home to away.

Flee all these one nighters,

In your tender care,

And take me to heaven,

When better's not there.

Cliff Richard Becomes World's First Self Stalker

"It's over," Cliff at Scotland Yard.

Cliff Richard has walked himself into the ego-books by becoming the world's first self-stalker.  His confession was heard by officers at Scotland Yard after he swept into the building in the early hours of this morning claiming to the victim and perpetrator of a stalking he had initiated upon himself.

After the police were presented with scrapbooks, photo logs and Richard's personal correspondence he was taken into custody and questioned before being released on bail minutes later and told to go home.

"Low and hard."

"When Mr. Richard arrived at the station we were of course distressed," claimed Chief Inspector Mark Grubber, "It's not often we see such an upstanding member of the showbiz community at our door but knowing how low and hard they fall we naturally took the confession seriously.  However, despite the overwhelming evidence provided by Mr. Richard against himself we were unable to charge the scumbag with anything and have let him off with a £6.5million fine and the condition he can stay free as long as he doesn't do it again."

With the comforting flash of the paparazzi in tow Cliff read a spontaneous speech he had written yesterday on his ordeal, "It's been a trying decade for me.  I've had plenty of chart records, public appearances and book deals but they just aren't enough anymore so I thought the most effective way to get myself some more exposure was with a stalker and who better to follow my every move than myself. I know him inside out and the convenience was a huge bonus.  I'm brilliant and wonderful and I just want the world to know it."

Cliff performing a miracle for
the Wimbledon spectators.

Guinness official Duncan Runk was called upon to officiate the story, "We've never seen an ego or a record attempt like this.  Mr. Richard is breaking every rule of accepted self admiration so much so that we can't help (and we tried) to give him anything less than the world record for the world's first self stalking, an award he will forever hold and never lose.  Hopefully this will put an end to his record breaking career and encourage him to give up public life and finally retire."

"We all laughed."

Cliff continued (as if he wouldn't), "I may be modest but I'm also great, just great.  It reminds me of the time I was doing something really great with all these well known celebrities and they thought I was great too because they couldn't possibly think otherwise and so I was there being great and just superb when something great happened but not great enough to take the attention away from myself and acted more of as a compliment to my presence when we all laughed, I sold another ten million records and I became even greater."

"We're being used," claimed the Press at Richard's press conference, "It feels horrible that this twisted ego is providing my children with dinner.  If something isn't done to curb this monster we could have another 'Millennium Prayer' incident on our hands and the country has only just recovered from the initial bout.  If he thinks he can get away with it this megalomaniac will soon be dishing out miracles, on every London street corner.  We need to get him and his calendars off the street and behind some sort of bars.  The fact that he isn't aware self-stalking is completely impossible and only remotely feasible in the case of a grudge laden split personality case then we shouldn't humour him."

Leslie Ash with her husband Neil
Morrissey before her accident.

Further anger came Cliff's way when he ignored Leslie Ash's protests that she herself had attempted the same stunt in 2003 after her Homebase contract had ended claiming, "The self stalk is a classic that I started years ago to get myself another series of Merseybeat after my surgical complications.  If anyone belongs in the record books it's me."

"I was stalking myself."

Guinness were looking into the allegations when Cliff returned to Scotland Yard with a possible grin across his face claiming to have been stalking his stalker in an act of revenge, "It started when I found out that I was stalking myself and instead of going to the proper authorities as I know to be right I took it upon myself to seek vengeance against the perpetrator by stalking him like some crazed but ethically sound vigilantly.  I know this makes me appear as some sort of Superman and you'd be right but I think it is time that this sordid affair is uncovered for the world to see.  I just want widely publicised justice."

Things got even more precarious when a supposed Cliff Richard lookalike named Harry Webb visited the same police station moments later claiming to be Richard's real stalker, "I've been following Cliff since his childhood days in India and I feel this man is a terrible egocentric and should be immediately admitted to a psychiatric hospital before he injures somebody."

Webb was later found belly up in the Thames and a warrant has been issued for Richard's arrest.  "It's been a trying but eventful day," continued Grubber, "We just hope that this case will be solved quickly and although we haven't charged anyone yet, Mr. Richard is being held under the spotlight until further evidence can surface to his innocence, guilt or mental stability."

9/11 Did Happen Claim Theorists

by Shaky Parkinson

Once again controversy and hearsay have arisen to question the events that shook the world when terrorists flew two big planes into New York's Twin Towers 134 months ago.  Conspiracy theorists have put finger to keyboard as a fresh batch of evidence has been released that they say will finally prove that 9/11 did actually happen.

Blogging sites have seen increased traffic as groups of pro 9/11 conspiracy theorists (but not in that way) claim that newly released eye witness reports and satellite imaging clearly show that the US Government wasn't stupid enough to destroy one if its crowning feats of engineering for the sake of a sense of fear they could've got by dressing up some cost effective extras in black suits and ear pieces and let them parade around your local neighbourhood.

"Cover up to hide."

"It's like we've been saying all along," stuttered Max Clink author of conspiracy blog Far Out, "There was definitely some kind of cover up to hide the truth that 9/11 actually occurred.  We've been campaigning for years and it finally looks like people are starting to notice."

Faked photos show a giant arrow
 to have caused the attack.

"What we're dealing with here is a massive event that cannot be properly understood," he continued, "The attack on the Twin Towers breaches a mental barrier of security that has until now retained a stern sense of stability.  It's going to take a decade of materialistic living to counteract these images.  We are only just coming to grips with what is happening and the initial reports aren't good."


"I remember where I was the day the towers fell," stated Old Man Drudge, "It was a Sunday or some such day and I had just gotten the mower out of the car hold when I saw a gaggle of geese flying by overhead.  Now I thought to myself that you don't see too many a gaggle anymore, seems to me like the geese are becoming a more hermitised bird.  It must've been '86 since I saw a pair of them together, maybe even '85 and being one of my favourite winged animals it struck me as a sad affair that only zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ."

(Eye witness report taken 12th September 2001)

Reports such as these are said to have caused the initial disbelief that lead to a vague sense of happening rather than clear evidence for a genuine terrorist attack.  Yet special analysts, forgers and experts have trawled through the masses of photographs, videos, interviews, videos and rubble to finally achieve what they are calling conclusive evidence.

"As far as I can make out this did happen," claimed one such expert Philip Patz, "There's doubt, like there is with everything, but I'd say this is an open and shut book and I'd go on record as saying that you'd be a fool to say 9/11 didn't happen and an even bigger one to joke about it."

Popular villain Smoke Face was
seen amongst the fires leading many
to believe a Hollywood film
was in production.

"Life is horrific."

Messages of acceptance, condolences and nonsense have been widespread with Katie Hulch of Kentucky having this to say, "The loss of life, it's horrific.  I didn't think it was even possible.  If it wasn't for these eye witness accounts and footage I may have gone another decade without believing 9/11 ever happened."

"It's a disgrace," claimed Sally Field (Yes that Sally Field), "Someone had to say to it."

"Our hearts go out to the people effected by this attack, even the Jews," claimed anti-Semitic preacher Caleb Funk.

One uncovered eye witness report from Manhattan resident Peter Gunk read, "I was there, I saw them towers fall and no matter how stoned I was that shit was real, you wanna know how?  'Cos I was inside them when it happened."

"People claim that."

Evidence was as far reaching as China, Madagascar and Ireland where Mrs. O'Toole of Cork proclaimed, "It's a dirty fecking business.  It wasn't until we saw it on the news that we realised it had actually happened.  These people claim that their Government were to blame and although they may be blameless and to blame it's clear that 9/11 did happen unlike the Holocaust which is clearly just a flight of fancy."

FAKE!!! Experts debunk widely
famous photo of a ciricle plan of death.

"We never claimed that 9/11 didn't happen," furthered Clink, "But we may have said some things that were untrue, hearsay or otherwise bollocks.  What we can all agree on is that this terrible event did take place and that from the start we knew this and can only hope to move on with our lives now that the tragedy can be labelled as nostalgic and pray that a commemorative lunch box is in the pipeline."

James Brown, "Never Felt Good"

by Brick Goodgame

The face of a broken man.

A never before seen documentary recently unearthed in the Polydor archives that charted the chart success of late feel good singer James Brown has finally made its way onto DVD.  In a never before seen candid interview the chocolate coloured fallen star discussed his addictions to sex, drugs and Fawlty Towers, and how excessive indulgence made him feel, "A bit shit," and "Untrue to his real urges."

"One hit, I feel good."

The footage that was filmed in 1989 by Bobby Ballweather, has sparked worldwide controversy amongst the 'Fat man with an obese voice' fans, or as Brown used to refer to them, 'His Sweet Brown Army', due to its revealing content in which Brown describes his number one hit 'I Feel Good' as, "A bloody shambles," "Bollocks," and "Nothing but a chubby lie," whilst also taking time to comment on the then economic downturn and health sector troubles.

The film's director Peter Cunt spoke about his fondness for the singer, "I only knew him for a brief time.  No more than a few hours, but in those few hours I think I was closer to him than anyone.  Our chairs were almost touching, it was an intimate session.  It shocked me to hear that James was in fact suffering with manic depression brought on by his feelings of unfulfilment at not having partied out his true dreams and that he never felt good.  Sad stuff."

"Better yourself!"

A Spokesperson for the Brown family told the Guff that, "James always wanted to be a politician but his singing got in the way.  It was always his dream to become the first black President of the USA but he felt he could better inspire people by singing about how to better yourself.  His cocaine benders, rampant sexual encounters and inexhaustible amounts of wealth and fame were the true cost of a soul who was truly committed to getting down.  Down to hard work in the aid of his fellow man."

'Getting Down In Brown Town: The Soul Searcher' premiers on BBC Four this Sunday at 10pm.  Ba dum bum bum bum bump bump bump.

Hello, Hello, I'm Back Again!

by Shaky Parkinson

Saturday evenings are set to take a turn for the fun with the launch of ITV's new game-show 'Gary Glitter's Sex Quiz'.  The show features legendary rock n' roller Gary Glitter as he takes contestants on an insightful and entertaining journey through his sexual history and selected discography.

"Suspected kiddy fiddler is dead."

"According to our market research in today's Sun it is clear what the public want.  Paedophiles," claimed ITV's Entertainment Commissioner, Kate Maddigan, "It seems any show that doesn't feature even a suspected kiddy fiddler is dead in the water.  So what better way to cater to popular tastes than with a detailed look into the sexual history of one the 70's biggest entertainers.  If we want to continue broadcasting through the recession we have to accept that touching kids is where the money is."

Today saw the show's pilot being filmed to a receptive audience.  Various catchphrases such as 'Do you wanna win in my gang', 'Hello, Hell, I'm back again' and 'Do you wanna touch me, OH YEAH!' hit a positive tone with the audience as Glitter hit a firm stride in his presenting that left little doubt to his abilities.

"It went well out there today," claimed a post show Glitter, "I wasn't sure about the idea to begin with, but after we cracked the name everything seemed to come together.  I think this show'll turn some heads, now if you'll excuse me I need to hit the Pepsi Max and chill."

"Clap Clap."

"Judging by today's upbeat atmosphere we think the quiz could easily knock Britain's Got Talent from the top of the ratings," continued Clap, "Clap followed clap throughout the recording, the sight was encouraging.  Not only that but Gary is the perfect age for a late comeback and with such a successful track record we'd be silly not to launch an album off the back of the show."

Britain's Got Talent judge's Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden where outraged at the proposed competition they would soon be facing, while fellow judges Alesha Dixon and David Walliams embarked upon a nationwide molesting tour in a bid to boost popularity for the show.  "By putting ourselves back at number one we can show the viewers that the only kind of touching that needs to be done is with our hearts," claimed Walliams, "There's a lot of talent out there and we want to get to know it."

"Disinterested by the show's content."

The general pubic were both happy, shocked, flabbergasted and disinterested by the show's content and host.

"It isn't natural," cited Glenn Spence of Carlisle, "Glitter's a singer not a presenter, this concept doesn't stand a chance."

"I'm sickened, literally," spewed Gladys Firth of Reigate, "BLUUUUUUUGHHH!!!"

"If he's covering the entire glam rock movement I'm in," John Milk of Exeter, "If not then I'm out."

"I love 'Rock and Roll Part Two' but that's as far as I'll take it," noted Pat from Bournemouth.

"This pathetic play for ratings is representative of the worst kind of television," claimed David Dunhill of Slough, "Shock tactics are FUCKING infantile.  When will the media stop abusing the impressionable minds of their readers, viewers and listeners?"

Gary Glitter's Sex Quiz premieres this Saturday on ITV at 9 o'clock.

99% Of Accidents Caused By People That Aren't You

by Shaky Parkinson

A new survey, christened the Falworth Paper has been released by statisticians at Manchester and Doncaster Experimental Union Polytechnic (MADE UP) claiming that 99% of all personal accidents are brought about by the interference of others.  The survey tracked the lives of over ten people to determine whether their accidents were the direct result of self-bumbling or bastard external forces.

"The results were as you can guess, shocking," claimed survey leader Malcolm Flunk, "They were also enlightening, gratifying and financially justifying.  We all drop things.  A knife, a fork.  A fresh pot of Earl Grey over our child's palms.  These incidents are what we refer to as the 1%.  The inevitable upsets that come with being a human being.  The danger arises when the proximity between human beings increases."

"My house did the skirting boards himself."

He continued, "Like most, I am a person of reasonable mental facilities but am unable to predict exactly where and when a pedestrian will throw themselves onto the bonnet of my car, if the person standing behind me at the chippie is the mass murderer I've been hearing about, or whether the previous owner of my house did the skirting boards himself or called in someone he'd seen on Rogue Traders.  It's a sick and horrific world."

"We found that accidents within high population densities were so frequent that hospitals were up to thirty times more numerous with schools of a certain size also assigned dedicated medical practitioners to cope with the influx of injuries.  It was a stomach churning discovery to make when you live in East Finchley."

Flunk and his team discovered a range of injuries the general public have been inflicting upon each other ranging into the millions with low hanging party streamers, loose fruit peelings and coffee burns topping the poll of daily assaults.

"Vast consumption of strawberries."

News footage from Hedgington
Park annual cricket match.

The survey was commissioned by Lord Falworth of nearby Hedgington Park after a nasty run in with a thug at the annual village cricket match, "This blighter comes slopping onto the pitch, mouth frothing from a vast consumption of strawberries, cream and cheap ale.  He proceeded to snatch my umbrella swing it around maniacally and dent the side of my bowler.  It was a truly horrific and humiliating experience.  Luckily the man is still in Broadmoor but is that really punishment?  This new survey will hopefully cap the lid on stupidity and instill a sensible amount of reclusiveness in us all."

Conspiracy theorists were keen to syndicate a press release stating their ideological position but due to a lack of attention were only able to share a quick comment, "It is clear that the Falworth Paper exposes the truth we have long been claiming.  That Elastoplast is leading the world's medical institutions in a cover-up of sensitive material that will once and for all illustrate the human races lack of hand eye co-ordination, vast stupidity and carelessness in a bid to further plaster sales."

Health and Safety official Gwent Stamp (male) was one of many civil servants to come out in favour of the Falworth Paper, "This is a significant day for Health and Safety.  By isolating the countries masses we will bring about a nation completely devoid of blame and without blame the world will be entirely safe and healthy."

"Debenhams, even at the other end of the telephone."

"It wasn't until the experiment started that we became aware of the potential hazards around us," sobbed survey participant Deadrie Parks, "At first we thought that everything was all right.  Then as the weeks went by we soon realised that there were people everywhere, in the street, behind the counter at Debenhams, even at the other end of the telephone.  I had to put the children first so we upped sticks and moved to the Isle of Man where we were assured there weren't any people."

Heysham sands.

Flunk's theory of extreme hermitism has been suggested as the only cure for 'Other People' but as he later claimed, "Even in the case of Mrs. Parks the separation wasn't tough enough and although well meaning her desire to protect her children blinded her to the rising tides and shifting sands off Heysham in what proved a fatal dash for the ferry.  Humanity cannot be cured, but solitary hermitism is the only sure fire way of lowering potential injury, death and maiming to within an acceptable 1% level."

A meeting of top medical officials, theorists and hangers on will take place at King's College London later this week, where the practical applications of the paper will be discussed at length until tea time.

Mammoth Carcass Found In Siberia

by Shaky Parkinson

A mammoth carcass has been uncovered on the Taimyr Peninsula by 11-year-old boy Zhenya Salinder. The enormous body was discovered in late August in the town of Sopochnaya Karga on the Siberian coast and after a lengthy five day excavation news of the discovery has finally filtered through to the global media.

It is thought that the deceased giant animal was originally one of a living giant animal of the same species and had lain frozen in mud until it was uncovered by Zhenya while he was out walking his dogs.  "It was really scary," claimed Zhenya, "I was playing at climbing when I saw this massive Mammoth like body lying in the mud.  I doddled home and told my parents and they called up the scientists who came and took it out of the ground.  It's soooo big, I hope it's a dinosaur."

"Answers to life."

The body of the unknown giant was taken to St. Petersburg Zoology Institute where it has been thawed, pawed and mauled in the hope it might reveal answers to the life of pre-historic man and indeed the enormous mammal itself.

Artist's guess at what the creature
looked like while living.

"We know it's old," stated excavation team leader Alexei Tikhonov, "We dug it out of the ground so we're putting a date range of between one and thirty million years on it.  Judging by the wounds we discovered we can safely say that this mammoth beast probably died at the hands of ice-age humans or that of a fellow monster, or simply because it could no longer live."

As of yet Tikhonov and his team have been unable to classify the creature due to insufficient evidence. "You know what science is like?  For all we know it could be a fish," continued Tikhonov, "We've ruled out monster bacteria and the evidence of fur has lead us to determine that we aren't dealing with a snake.  We also think the mystery of the large protruding curved bones shows that the animal was heavily accessorized for the time and a notion like that puts fashion and also sensical history into all sorts of uproar.  This really is a mammoth find."

"Assumptions that need filling."

Tikhonov and Gorbunov
pre dispute.

In a second press conference Tikhonov's colleague Sergei Gorbunov of the International Mammoth Committee claimed, "My colleagues have made a mammoth mistake.  The mammoth carcass that we have been studying is clearly that of a Mammoth carcass.  The accessories or tusks as they are otherwise known clearly back up this classification and in my opinion this only leaves us with the job of uncovering just how this particular Mammoth can contribute to our knowledge of his or hers species.  From what we already guess Siberian Mammoth's were more cunning than regular Mammoth's by using mud to disguise themselves against pestilence and even mammother creatures but there are always massive gaps in our assumptions that need filling."

Tikhonov and his team will continue with their research well into the next year when their final conclusions will be published.  In the meantime we are left to speculate why Zhenya Salinder has yet to receive even a bag of sweets for his part in keeping this team of science men in work for another year.