Virgin Employee Killed In Botched Sacrifice

by Shaky Parkinson

Surveillance photo of Grant's
property.

The body of missing Virgin Media employee Garth Peak has been found on the outskirts of a farm in Shrivenham, a few miles North-East of Swindon.  The mutilated and scarred body showed signs of ritual sacrifice and an investigation has been launched against local landowner Lucifer Grant.

In a statement issued earlier this afternoon Wiltshire police claimed, "Lucifer Grant has been taken into custody but has not yet (but with a name like that it's only a matter of time) been charged.  We hope Mr. Grant can shed light on how the body of the deceased ended up within yelling distance of his creepy old barn."

"We'll get ourselves."

Garth Peak

Mr. Grant has been the subject of a lengthy investigation by Wiltshire Police after he was arrested for brandishing a severed goats head at the local Wimpy's in June.  "We kept getting all these calls about a Satanist cult operating out of Shrivenham but we had members of the public to hassle and treated it as a crock of toss like any rational fool," claimed Chief Inspector Department Anthony Prittle (Twice Removed), "After the goats head incident the shit rope unravelled and the whole story kicked off.  Orgies, sacrifice, fluids, and that wasn't the best of it. Unfortunately we couldn't get a conviction despite Grant's appearance on the restaurants CCTV camera.  It was a blow, but we're hoping that with this body we'll get ourselves a conviction."

The body was found at 7 am when local woman Agatha Hush was out walking her trainers, "It was a shock," she claimed, "I was just getting into my stride when I saw what I thought was Rutger Hauer lying in a bush.  Upon closer inspection I recognised the body to be that of Garth Peak but he had symbols etched into his flesh and his face was face gouged in.  Quite frankly a terrible business, it doesn't bare talking about."

"But not silent."

Local reaction to the murder has been varied but not silent and with the body being dumped only yards from Swindon's most frequented mini golf course we asked visitors their opinions of the killing.

Shrivenham Mini-Golf Course.

"Horrendous, vial and downright lacking in any real sense of sinister engagement," fumed Mary Wilson.

"Put me down for a birdy," eagered Martin Hendrick.

"It beats golf," beamed Dennis Winterflop.

"A very upsetting affair," stated Emily Cart, "You would think being a local of fifty-three years would get you an invite but that's people for you, always wrapped up in their own doings."

A warrant was issued to search Mr. Grant's property but nothing extraordinary was found except a collection of over three thousand toasted sandwich makers.  "We carried out a thorough search of Mr. Grant's barns and everything seemed in order," continued Inspector Prittle, "But then again I don't know much about barns.  Who would've thought they come equipped with ritualistic paraphernalia and stained altars.  It's amazing what you learn in this line of work."

"I was eager to expand."

In a statement released after a lunch of disappointing sandwiches and weak tea Mr. Grant's lawyer spoke on behalf of his client saying, "It is true that I knew the deceased.  He visited my home over a month ago to inspect my recently installed cabling. WHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Upon learning him to be a virgin with only the purist incentives and offerings I was eager to expanded our meeting into a friendship but alas Mr. Peak's death beheaded that prospect rather swiftly. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!  PRAISE THE ALMIGHTY BUNG AND HIS BENEVOLENT CHAOS!!!"

He continued, "MWHAHAHAHA!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Grant remains in custody but Police have stated that he is co-operating and his deepest compliments go out to Mr. Peak's family and newborns.

Fifty Shades To Be Classified A Gateway Book

by Shaky Parkinson

After extreme pressure from the NHS, Oxford University and numerous Parent Teacher Associations the Government has today reclassified Fifty Shades Of Grey as a Gateway Novel.  The change comes on a day Birmingham man Gordon Fluck found his stranded mother-in-law spread eagled naked in an incorrectly assembled sex swing in her home in Solihull.

"I was just nipping over to drop off some shopping and make sure the carers had been round," he cringed, "Then the unpleasantness happened.  I'd have fainted had it not been for her Christian Grey t-shirt.  You see I married one hell of a minger, you know the story, one night stand, bun in the oven, game set and match, so you can imagine my disgust at finding my 92-year-old mother-in-law danglingly six ways from Sunday from the lounge ceiling.  The books were everywhere and quite obviously to blame."

"Their pants."

"We have to make a firm stance on this decision," cited David Cameron, "This Government has to be seen to be making a stand on this matter.  Too many lives are being ruined and we hope that with this labelling people will take their hands out of their pants and listen to the dangers facing them."

E. L. James.

Author of the multi-bajillion selling book E. L. James has defended her fortune saying that, "My novel is not poorly written and has given hope to many woman throughout the world.  Without my reader's daily fix of Grey they will not be able to escape the drudgery of their pitiful lives and this classification is going to make a serious dent in that appreciation."

Last week saw a 700% increase in STI's, workplace affairs and hardware sales up from 544% for the month ending August.  The trend in literature experimentation has also brought about a new type of book group where the use of rope and handcuffs have added to the surge in dedicated Fifty Shades Admittance Lines that are now springing up in most major hospitals.

"One guy had it."

"The impact this book is having on our countries infrastructure is massive," claimed Doctor Foster of Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary, "We've seen more chocking, insecurities and broken penis's than I care to relate, although I will say that it's been loads and one guy had it totally bent off.  If Britain wants to survive the next few months the smut has to stop.  A healthy wank inside or outside of a relationship is a good release for the building of hourly tension and I would advise people take precautions to avoid surrendering themselves to Fifty Shades at all costs."

A Fifty Shades addict.

He continued, "With Fifty Shades of Smut, manface James is targeting vulnerable individuals who have probably got some serious Stephanie Meyer experience under their waists to begin with and from their it's only a stepping stone to something harder.  I enjoy a bit of Dan Brown like the next person but I indulge in moderation.  So if you want to see your friends and family shitting themselves in some alley while jacked up on Christian Fundamentalism leaflets praising L. Ron Hubbard and James Patterson as gods then go ahead and buy them the complete Fifty Shades trilogy."

Experts at Oxford University have spent time analysing the text with shocking results.  "What we've found is disturbing," claimed researcher David Fake, "The make-up of this gateway book is a deeply addictive mixture of self pity, laziness and emotional gluttony bonded to a massive string of twattiness.  With Twilight fan fiction of this potency coming from such a bizarre middle aged woman the effects of over exposure could potentially result in loneliness, weight gain, ugliness, cats and excessive masturbation to teenage vampire films.  This creation is sick and we support the Government's decision to alert the public to its dangers."

"This woman's perverted."

"This is just another case of some deranged connected nut case inflicting her talentless agenda upon the world," claimed PTA member Glenda Dale, "Why should the general public be made to play psychiatrist to this woman's perverted insecurities?  In my opinion today's decision is not tough enough and frankly I think all copies of the book should be liquidated and replaced with the works of P.G. Wodehouse so that people can appreciate some good old fashioned right wing frolics and none of this terribly written mess."

Alexander Skarsgard xxx

Despite James' exposure of the British public as sexually repressed perverts, experimentation is on the rise and if rumours are to be believed, the casting of Alexander sex face Skarsgard in the title role of the upcoming film adaption could cause an even bigger surge in poor literacy publishing.

This coupled with the soon to be released Fifty Shades Of Gay, a novel about two homosexual writer's who recite a semi-autobiographical account of their office smuttery that develops into dangerous intensity alongside their quest of topping the UK book charts, could see Britain enter a new age of imagination.

Dyslexic Fury At Paralympic Confusion

by Jack 'The Mac' Mack

Gavin Snell

The Olympic ticketing scandal rumbled on this week after a disgruntled dyslexic fan Gavin Snell realised he had been sold Paralympic tickets in error.  

"It was very confusing," he said in a statement, "I went online to buy tickets for the 400 meter final, the website wasn’t user friendly but I saw the word ‘Lympics in the title so I assumed I was in the right section. Anyway I clicked on the link and away I went."

"I myself jog."

His excitement turned to anger however when he arrived at the Olympic park. He continued; "I’d covered myself in all the crap you’re supposed to wear; I had a GB flag as a kilt and a bowler hat. I suppose I should have twigged when everyone in the stadium was talking about how inspiring it was but I thought they were just referring to the athletic prowess on display. I myself jog at least once a fortnight to collect my Sunday paper as it’s inspired me to do more. The Sunday paper is heavier so it’s a better workout but I digress."

Things turned sour as events got underway. Snell described how his excitement turned to dismay; "I saw Oscar Pistorius come out which I was expecting but then all these other people came out on blades as well. Then someone said that they weren't his family, they were fellow athletes. I was sure that this was just a mistake so I watched for twenty minutes but after that realisation dawned. I’m furious and upset."

"They said I’d paid."

Naturally Snell’s first reaction was to demand a refund but his outrage increased further when this was confused.  "They said I’d paid for the event and turned up so I wasn’t entitled to a refund. I’m taking this to the European Court of Human Rights. My lawyer from Silly Sea Sun and partners says I’ve got a case." 

The Paralympics were unable for comment so this reporter decided to struggle on with the dilemma of how to label losing teams in the Paralympics as inspirational after such bitter sweet defeat.  "I've lost my faith in humanity," concluded Snell, "The illusion's been shattered and raped."

Bat-Signal Vandalised By Unknown Prankster

by Shaky Parkinson

Disturbing images released by Gotham City Police have shed light on the rumours circulating that the departments trusted Bat-Signal has been vandalised by vandals.  Leads are light on the ground but Commissioner Gordon is adamant the perpetrator will be caught.

"This is a bad day for a shit city," he stated during an interview with Gotham reporter Vicki Vale, "These lousy crooks have gone too far.  They've disgraced a symbol of solidarity and safety and the people won't stand for it."

So far there have been no arrests but CCTV footage shows a loudly dressed, pale and content individual running amok in the GCPD during the early hours of this morning.

"They can broadcast a cock."

"What we're dealing with here is some sort of prankster or joker," continued Gordon, "Clever, bitter, probably been in the game too long.  He revelled in being seen and his juvenille humour is obviously a playground pastiche.  It makes you fucking sick.  Doesn't it?  Doesn't it make you sick?  Anyone who thinks they can broadcast a cock and balls from my roof is looking for a short spell in a lax state prison."

Upset Bruce Wayne.

The seriousness of the crime has caused the Police to ask themselves some much needed questions and the Commissioner was quick to place himself and his entire staff under arrest until new guidelines can be put in place to prevent any such incidents from occurring in the future.  The movement gained unexpected support from the Gotham Criminal Underworld when respected crossword promoter Edward Nigma stepped forward to condemn the attack.

"I've been pedalling violence and chaos for years and such childish imagery brings criminals everywhere into disrepute," he commented, "We are willing to do a job most people wouldn't and when one of our kind goes ahead with such uncomplimentary scheming it makes us all look like a bunch of amateurs.  I'm too angry for puns."

"Others claim."

Batman was as usual unavailable for comment and his accompanying absence from the streets of Gotham is being seen by many as defeat.  Others claim that the damaged Bat-Signal is a possibility for his absence.  Luckily the arrival of Twatman on the scene has held the potential crime wave at bay.

Twatman a.k.a. Zoltan Kohari
official publicity shot.

"I've been working on the fringes of protection for years," claimed Twatman from his secret hideout on West 54th Street, "It's hard to earn respect when you've got the likes of Batman ploughing the skies with multi-billion dollar planes and the like.  I'm just happy to help but when I saw my name up in lights I'll admit it felt good to get the recognition I deserve."

Twatman was first seen fending off a drunk and violent Bruce Wayne outside Old Wayne Tower and although his appearance onto the crime-fighting scene is much welcomed, the citizens of Gotham City still have their heads turned skyward in search of their missing hero.

Poverty Stricken Proletariat Praise Gold Post Box Scheme

by Shaky Parkinson

Royal Mail's plans to give 44 of their boring old red post boxes a golden makeover in celebration of Britain's Olympic successes has been met with huge support from the general public.

"It's amazing," claimed Margery Spling of Leek, "It's about time our needs were being catered for and we have Anna to thank for it.  Her protests in the rowing really put her name and views on the map and we have already started to see a change.  Now all we need is for the banks to pick up the cause and we'll be fine."

Overwhelming support has put pressure on Royal Mail to extend the scheme nationwide so that even the remotest parts of the United Kingdom will be able to reap the compensation they deserve after paying for the event itself.

"It's not an ideal form of payment," noted Arthur Grout of Wilmslow, "But it's a start.  We just want to see the scheme go national so us here in Wilmslow who were too busy paying our taxes to train anyone up for the games can get the repayments we are owed.  Those Olympic street prancers didn't come cheap and the quicker our post box can get its golden upgrade the quicker we can settle our overdrafts."

Others were less enthusiastic about the plans with Danny Bulok of Oxford on hand to express his views, "We may not have won any medals, or paid much attention to the games and come to think of it I'm still unsure what the Double Sculls is but it's been a good week now and we've not seen a single Golden Post Box materialise anywhere in the city.  This is just another way in which Royal Mail are skimping on costs to line their pockets instead of giving the money back to the people who deserve it."

The Postal Community was quick to respond to the allegations with postman Billy Feck claiming, "I'm from Northern Ireland and we didn't win shite, deal with it.  These golden boxes won't change anything and the misconceptions surrounding the scheme are causing us many problems.  I for one am not happy at the looks I've been getting on my round from the numerous crowbar wielding thugs that litter the streets.  We at Royal Mail understand times are tough but gold-spray paint is hardly a budget breaker."

The scheme suffered a major set back when Lymington Publican Ben Ainslie in attempting to instill peace into the community by spraying the town's local post box gold incited a riot and was arrested after seven people suffered fatal encounters.  "I was just trying to help," sighed Ainslie, "This whole thing has gotten out of hand.  Since when did celebration become a crime."

An announcement from Royal Mail that the post boxes would only be in place for a one month temporary period sparked further aggression and rioting across the UK and with Paralympics starting next week it is thought the unrest will continue well into September and possibly the month after that.

NASA Declares War On Martians

by Shaky Parkinson

Crispin as seen through the
eyes of his killer.

After successfully launching from Earth and landing on Mars, NASA's Curiosity is now ready to bring out the big guns and get cracking on America's conquest of the Universe.  Being the first armed space rover to leave our planet Curiosity is being haled as the next step in ridding the universe of anything scary so that future generations may live and work in the solar system without fear.

"Bastards had begun mobilising their forces."

The mission was prioritised after a menacing rock was found on the surface of Mars that proved too unsettling for Mission Control to simply pass over.  "We are the leaders in space exploration," claimed Mission Controller Shuda Resurched, "And the world looks to us to defend them against Space Godzillas, Fruit Martians and all the unknown life forms we haven't yet named.  So when we saw that the Rock Bastards had begun mobilising their forces we set our own defence procedures into action."

The 7cm rock, dubbed Crispin by activists, is being labelled as an outpost sentry guarding the Bastards central base at the Glenelg Junction.  "We got lucky," continued Resurched, "N165 is just your common basalt range fighter and shouldn't give us much trouble, if we'd have landed closer to Glenelg then the people of Amsterdam would be suffering a stoning like they've never known.  Our plan now is to gather our forces and head East right into the heart of the Bastards stronghold."

"Laser our world."

Location of enemy mound.

Without the creation of the ChemCam Death Laser our world would surely be in peril.  "My baby is a Martian's worst nightmare," claimed ChemCam inventor Chance Cholera, "For just five one-billionths of a second my beam fires over a million watts of pure destruction into heart of the enemy fighters while the resultant sparks give us a clear indication as to their defences and geological make-up.  Their death will turn what we think might be rivers into scree."

With uncertainty on the horizon Rock Activists were quick to get out the tents and strum Westminster.  "There is no evidence to say that Crispin is a threat or danger to our kind!  The guise of science and politics and money and oil and stuff are going to bring us into a conflict we don't want and cannot prove!  If Crispin is killed innocent alien life and habitats will be extinguished!  These bastards wouldn't put a hammer through their patios so why start a war?  He's just an innocent 48% silicon dioxide with percent amounts of magnesium, calcium, sodium, iron and potassium oxides for God's sake, what has he done to deserve this??? Why won't these bastards think of the children and not least the wave of weak comedy stand-ups that will arise in the wake of this sick vendetta???  WHY?!?!?"

Breakdown of Curiosity's
weaponry.

"Will is completely justified."

Resurched was quick to respond to any misgivings claiming, "This war that hasn't happened yet but probably will is completely justified.  We have paper and pens and all manner of stationary that points to yes.  These Rock Bastards don't have feelings and it's up to the American Space programme to get the funding it needs to wipe these Bastards off the face of the Mars."

Recent reports indicate that despite an impromptu rock concert hosted by Brain May and Paul McCartney the fate of Crispin is sealed with Curiosity to kill the cat at 1900hrs Greenwich space-time.

Missing Persons: Garth Peak

by Shaky Parkinson

Garth Peak (Artist Impression)

Garth Peak, a 26-year-old Virgin Media Salesman from Swindon has been found missing after he failed to return home to his puppy on Thursday evening. Mr. Peak was last seen selling low rate, high quality broadband at only £15 a month with the first three months half price in St. Andrews Green cul-de-sac at 6.37pm.  His subsequent movements are unknown but it is thought Mr. Peak proceeded into the Shrivenham area where his automobile was found abandoned and raped in a siding off the B4000.

Peak's abandoned motorized sales vehicle.

Peak's family are asking the public for any information in locating a person his Mother describes as, "Adorable and loving as ever a person could wish to meet.  He had a roaring social life with a huge network of friends that were always up and about enjoying themselves at all the hottest clubs and discos.  He was loyal to his family and wouldn't stand for any rudeness or ineptitude and helped to keep those around him on the straight and narrow with ruthless love and care.  He loved his films and got a lot of work as Rutger Hauer's body double over at Shepperton.  I think that might have helped him with his job as the most successful salesman in the region.  He'd always come home with gifts for us after winning another bonus and for this and more we just want him back.  He is a pro-active, fierce advocate of life and you don't often find that in a person.  We're dead without him."

Police are urging the public to contact them on their dedicated missing persons line at 0800-123-456-789-10-11-12 hmmmmmmm-13-14-15.  News Guff will also be offering the prize of a day's supply of ham sandwiches to any information that leads to an arrest.