Spell Checking Proven To Instill Self Doubt

by Shaky Parkinson

New research has today suggested that the current social and economical global clusterfuck we are firmly wedged in has been brought about by an increasing reliance on computerized spell checking.  It is claimed that dangerously unhealthy levels of self-doubt arising from consistent spelling inaccuriacies are pushing the world into ruin.

Social networking, text messaging and Microsoft Office are being hailed as the biggest culprits with industry experts claiming that excessive usage of these particular types of communication needs to be accompanied by at least three hours of prior spelling preparation.

"Trends, claim research."

"The steady increase in fatigue, anger, resentment, anger, suicide and all round unhappiness clearly mimics technological trends," claimed research manager Paul Arse, "Our numbers visibly show that prolonged exposure to such things as blogging sites, Twitter and indeed any Microsoft product could leave the user with a resulting lack of confidence in themselves that could potentially lead to catastrophic emotional breakdown."

The recent suicide of Office Worker Danny Flip has only added pressure to today's finger pointing.  "It's a horrible world we live in," sobbed Danny's father Philip, "I just want my son back but it isn't going to happen.   Did you know that suicide rates in the office environment have been consistently rising since 1986. That's why I'm dedicating my life to making sure no one else has to suffer the way I have.  We've started by addressing the high risk users such as Forum Users, Chatroom Pervs and people with bad spelling and once that's sorted out we'll move into the schools."

"So when you start."

Flip only minutes before his death!

News Guff spoke with cake decorator Marion Splodge, who recently suffered a mental breakdown due to spell checking paranoia and has now been declared unfit for human interaction.  "It was all the names," she claimed, "You only get one shot at icing a specially ordered cake so when you start writing out a name like Philip or Beatrice your mind goes blank.  Eventually the stress got to me and I had no choice but to be institutionalised.  It's too late for people like me but I hope I can act as a positive case study in the fight for spelling enlightenment."

Celebrities such as George Galloway, Nadia Sawalha and Richard Blackwood have all stepped forward claiming that they too suffer with ICSUIUASCS (I Can't Spell Unless I Use A Spell Checker Syndrome).  "It was tough," claimed Richard Blackwood, "I found it hard to live with myself.  Everything had to be perfect or I couldn't sleep.  I'd get up in the night and reread emails just to make sure my grammar was up to scratch.  I was once hospitalised for a month after misusing a comma, think what might happen to my career if my presentation got any worse?"

"The risk of coming."

"It's hard for stupid people," stated professional spell checker Adam Keys, "We can't all be brilliant, but we can all source out our spell checking needs to respectable companies for some stress free living.  What with strong competition, services are costing next to nothing.  So when sending that all important email to your boss, why take the risk of coming off as a blithering idiot when you have the abilities of Lock and Keys at your fingertips?  When you're looking at that red squiggly line and you know you're right why not guarantee your sanity by taking that extra precaution.  Just remember, we're only here to back you up."

With the suicide rate hitting an all time high the current problems of excessive spell checking are set to dwarf the nation's drug problems before the year is out.

Closer Cheats On Heat with OK! Reports Guff

News Guff sources can exclusively reveal that a leisurely boat trip in Plymouth Harbour was the scene for a secret rendezvous between Closer and OK! Magazine.  It seems with Heat taking a far flung break around the Pacific the two were free to indulge in a bit of fraternizing under the covers.

Our sources were unclear as to the details but the two were seen making a mockery of their absent friend by getting extremely steamy in the hot tub.  With the pit sweat pics of Cheryl Cole proving to be a bigger hurdle in the Heat/Closer relationship than previously thought, who knows if this is the end for the popular pair?

"Start to Lay."

"I'm not surprised the two have bedded down together," claimed Cosmopolitan, "They've always been friendly and with Heat out of the picture the two can really start to lay the foundations of a real relationship."

"OK! is such a bitch," claimed an irate Marie Claire, "All she wants is a juicy story and doesn't care whose expected profit percentages she hurts.  I cannot bear to read another paragraph."

Outraged Marie Claire!

Onlookers were said to be appalled by the display, dubbing the scandal an 'Attention bid' and 'A popularity fizzle'.  "They were obviously aware of the cameras," claimed a photographer for Grazia, "I've done a lot of publicity in my time and after the first few waves you start to cotton onto the bigger picture.  In the end they only care what the readers think, because once they loose their standing it's all over."


"In a press."

In response Heat was seen boarding a plane home from the Tropics, although in a press statement her CEO claimed that it was, "A routine flight and Heat is returning home after a catching a cold."

Experts are saying that this event could spark a story so big it'll make Jen and Brad's divorce look like a lover's tiff and we all wait with baited breath and mixed reviews as to the outcome.

Extra! Extra! Old News Clichés Make Distracting Comeback

by Shaky Parkinson

SHOCK! TERROR!  As the streets of Manhattan reek with the villainous stench of wayward news conventions the Media has resorted to retro trends in a snappy bid to save face and restore the faith of the common reader.  With doom looming for such negative entities as excessive advertising, biased subject matter and the far too regular quirky pleading of its broadcaster, in steps nostalgia to once again make its mark on the local rag.

Down at City Hall the Major is seen mulling over musings with his advisors while wondering if his next leap will be the leap home, "We've fallen on hard times see.  We need to buck trend and follow fashion to get things rolling.  The news is getting out of hand, we want the facts without the guff (No indictment of this sterling publisher).  No two-bit rogue reporting is getting past me and the great people of this city.  Anymore."

"Words hit deep."

The Major's words hit deep with riots sparking up in newsrooms across the globe.  James Murdoch came out in favour of not, "Getting in trouble," while cutie Kate Silverton claimed that the profession is, "Not to blame," only the facts.

The letter of the law ran deep in a sea of criticism with Government's and Money Maker's defending themselves alike, "We follow the coin see, it's about the wealth, we can't have another crash on our hands and if the chicken is out of the pie it'll be chaos I tells you, chaos."

Picture.

With impending doom riding high in the polls a contemporary 1920's stereotype has been ushered in to still the fears of the questioning masses.  "We're unhappy and if we need to ruckus we will," they bellowed, "It's not right see, this goes all the way to the top.  We want the truth not the lies, it's all coming along and with this we hope to change it all.  Change the people, change the places and change the change to see justice done."

"We can't fly."

The anger being mailed across town got tense and in a bid to save face the Media went underground but the regime couldn't race the bad intentions floating down Main Street and the ensuing riots ended in chaos see.  "It's about the fact," they continued, "We don't want to see some Chinky's post disaster dying breath, it's a sickness that we can't fly and something needs to be done about it chump."

"That Silverton maybe a dish but it's the doll's we're worried about.  They're everywhere, it isn't straight see.  The fact of the truth of the matter is that the fact isn't up and out, it's down and low and that don't sit well with us or the unions, am I right boys?"

"Yeah!"

With chaos turning to gibberish the pressure is mounting for media gimmicks to become widespread in the hope it will alleviate the reader's stress to bring about a clean sense of wholesome acceptance for the wrong rights.  "It's a ditch attempt effort but as the seventh hits out it's a fine sexy play that won't disappoint," says the Governor, but who'll come out on top when the ball picks up the train and hits Broadway?

Maria Sharapova Prettiest Woman In Tennis Again

by Shaky Parkinson

It's been a rough few years for Maria Sharapova as the tennis world has seen prettier, younger and physically gifted stars rise the ranks since her dramatic appearance in the 2004 Wimbledon Championships but against all odds she has battled through to come out on top at this years French Open.

Critics and viewing enthusiasts are delight with her sudden turn around and have been quick to praise her triumphant return to the limelight.  "She pulled out all the stops," claimed BBC's Sue Barker, "It takes you back eight years and the endurance, patience and determination of this young woman has to be applauded."

"But when I saw her take that."

"To be honest my thoughts were running with Ana Ivanovic," cited tennis coach Samantha Strike, "But when I saw her take that final game Sharapova was all I could think about."

Anna Kournikova,
gone but not forgotten.

Boris Becker was another professional who was stunned by today's play, "The shock was so startling I had to tell my tailor to give me a few minutes.  Who'd have thought Sharapova would be the one making such a distinct impact at this years French Open?  I'm speechless."

Google has been reporting a gradual increase in Maria Sharapova related searches over the last two weeks but today saw a huge spike in intrigue.  "We didn't realise she was still around," claimed tennis fan Philbert Drenk of the Stockport Lawn and Tennis Association, "We all remember her being pretty cute but then she sort of went off the radar.  Today's win has really brought her back into the limelight.  Although let's face it she's no Anna Kournikova.  Phwoar!"

"Maria's way really spurred on my game."

Competitor Sara Errani.

Sharapova's opponent, Russia's Sara Errani, was upset by the result but was forced to admit that she just didn't have what it takes to win the crowd and the hearts of tennis fans everywhere.  "What can I say," she stated, "All the attention being sent Maria's way really spurred on my game but she just has a natural talent I can't compete with.  "

It is thought that recent surgery proved a massive confidence booster for Sharapova and has helped her return to a positive mindset to bring her back to the level of appreciation she hasn't had since 2008's Australian Open.

Science Runs Out

by Shaky Parkinson

As of 6pm today Science has officially announced that it has run out.  Medicine, Physics, Astronomy and other like-minded fields have ceased operating and started celebrating as the entire Scientific Community lays out plans for its forthcoming closure.

"We're feeling pretty good," claimed Dr. Foster of Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary, "We put in the extra hours, gave up the golf and the results speak for themselves.  No more theories, unexplained guess work or smaller pieces of atoms to discover, we've done it all and it feels fucking ace."

"God, he responded."

"Did you know I can tell you the exact physical make-up of any cross bred kitten and how it will react to the effects of air born nicotine, heroin and beatings," beamed C.E.R.N. employee Martin Flap, "I could even calculate your potential life span based on your average doughnut intake consumption (or DIC) and from that even predict your future.  We've run out of stuff to know.  Isn't it amazing?"  When asked if the conclusions reached shed any light on the existence of God, he responded, "That would be an ecumenical matter," and fled.

"We can't take much credit," cited genetic engineer Gordon Tracy, "With the advances in technology it sort of did it all for us.  All we had to do was flick the odd switch here and there between games of solitaire and everything worked itself out. To be honest most of the stuff got done on iPads.  Fragility aside those little machines are something significant.  Shame we've peaked I think people were expecting something more.  Perhaps a colour change is on the cards but that is just residual application at this point."

Stereotypical Scientist,
soon to be a thing of the past.

Although there was much rejoicing amongst the Scientific Community the gayety soon wore off for certain individuals such as Mark Prodder, "I've been working in the field of hypothetical reactionary disease cures for over twenty five years and all of a sudden I'm out of a job and back on the dole.  I've lost the company car, my ludicrously absurd funding as well as my plush office and now I can't send the kids to college and to boot I'm stuck at home with the wife every day.  I mean it's not my children's fault their Daddy's a genius so why should they be punished?  What am I supposed to do now that my life's work is done and dusted?  Star gazing?  Why bother, it's all been documented so where's the excitement?  I thought about taking up running but I'd get the same results through a well controlled diet.  If we hadn't cured depression last week I could at least occupy myself by gradually harbouring a sombre self-destructive mindset but frankly I have lost all my worldly direction."

"I've been lumbered."

This sentiment was mimicked by Chemistry teacher Stan Slap, "After the press conference was held I immediately got an email from the Headmaster saying that the Science Department had ceased to exist and we were all been drafted into help out with the P.E. because of the increasing popularity in Sports Science classes.  I tried to tell him that we'd put an end to that and the increase was due to the new hottie Ms. George, but he wouldn't hear it so I've been lumbered with the netball because I was late calling dibs on the footie.  School sucks now."

The last test tube wonder is born.

With forced retirement looming for ex-scientists, disgruntled workers across the globe have already set up the not so secret organisation STUPID (Scientists To Unhappily Produce Idiotic Designs), whose primary goal is to seek out fictitious claims of new phenomenon and scientific curiosities that warrant expert scientific investigation.  Luckily authorities tagged the group's Facebook page as potentially frustrating and have already shut it down.

No one was more annoyed at the loss of Science than local biologist and wildlife expert Atkin Stump, "This thing isn't as clear cut as my colleagues would have you believe.  My research into badger's mating habits in disused industrial silos was far from over but all of a sudden my work is being rebranded and my contributions are being swept under the rug.  Make no mistake this is a cover up and once I find a magnifying glass I plan to investigate things further and find out what the hell is going on."

"Plans to turn the now."

Indeed the lack of available scientific equipment is partly due to Government recycling plans to turn the now useless equipment into recycling bins, security cameras and bullets.  While in the wake of the announcement microscope burning parties have become a global trend and demonstrate an intense belief in the community's discoveries and finality to all of Science.

Trendy microscope burning party.

Although the declaration was believed to be final, Science cannot be deemed legally 'Sorted' until all research data has been submitted for checking and re-checking by an independent adjudicator.

The person drafted in to oversee these calculations is retired accountant and veteran checker Mr. Kenneth Dullard whose initial results are said to be startling, "From what I can gather there are many inconsistencies sprouting up around a weather forecast in Dundee.  If my calculations are correct it would seem that some data has been fudged which could have a knock on effect of drastic proportions.  If I show you this decimal point here, it should be situated below the isobar and the fact it isn't could mean that Science is far from completed and I'm a God fearing man so I've triple checked my work to make sure that everything is in order."

If the work does prove to be incorrect it would see the Government having to scrap its reassignment programs that would see ex-scientists being drafted into the military in a bid to, "Bring home the decent ones."  Although Downing Street has failed to elaborate on these initial comments the findings of Mr. Dullard have create a great sense of unease in the former Scientific Community as millions of boffins wait with baited breath to see if they have made a colossal mistake.