Science Runs Out

by Shaky Parkinson

As of 6pm today Science has officially announced that it has run out.  Medicine, Physics, Astronomy and other like-minded fields have ceased operating and started celebrating as the entire Scientific Community lays out plans for its forthcoming closure.

"We're feeling pretty good," claimed Dr. Foster of Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary, "We put in the extra hours, gave up the golf and the results speak for themselves.  No more theories, unexplained guess work or smaller pieces of atoms to discover, we've done it all and it feels fucking ace."

"God, he responded."

"Did you know I can tell you the exact physical make-up of any cross bred kitten and how it will react to the effects of air born nicotine, heroin and beatings," beamed C.E.R.N. employee Martin Flap, "I could even calculate your potential life span based on your average doughnut intake consumption (or DIC) and from that even predict your future.  We've run out of stuff to know.  Isn't it amazing?"  When asked if the conclusions reached shed any light on the existence of God, he responded, "That would be an ecumenical matter," and fled.

"We can't take much credit," cited genetic engineer Gordon Tracy, "With the advances in technology it sort of did it all for us.  All we had to do was flick the odd switch here and there between games of solitaire and everything worked itself out. To be honest most of the stuff got done on iPads.  Fragility aside those little machines are something significant.  Shame we've peaked I think people were expecting something more.  Perhaps a colour change is on the cards but that is just residual application at this point."

Stereotypical Scientist,
soon to be a thing of the past.

Although there was much rejoicing amongst the Scientific Community the gayety soon wore off for certain individuals such as Mark Prodder, "I've been working in the field of hypothetical reactionary disease cures for over twenty five years and all of a sudden I'm out of a job and back on the dole.  I've lost the company car, my ludicrously absurd funding as well as my plush office and now I can't send the kids to college and to boot I'm stuck at home with the wife every day.  I mean it's not my children's fault their Daddy's a genius so why should they be punished?  What am I supposed to do now that my life's work is done and dusted?  Star gazing?  Why bother, it's all been documented so where's the excitement?  I thought about taking up running but I'd get the same results through a well controlled diet.  If we hadn't cured depression last week I could at least occupy myself by gradually harbouring a sombre self-destructive mindset but frankly I have lost all my worldly direction."

"I've been lumbered."

This sentiment was mimicked by Chemistry teacher Stan Slap, "After the press conference was held I immediately got an email from the Headmaster saying that the Science Department had ceased to exist and we were all been drafted into help out with the P.E. because of the increasing popularity in Sports Science classes.  I tried to tell him that we'd put an end to that and the increase was due to the new hottie Ms. George, but he wouldn't hear it so I've been lumbered with the netball because I was late calling dibs on the footie.  School sucks now."

The last test tube wonder is born.

With forced retirement looming for ex-scientists, disgruntled workers across the globe have already set up the not so secret organisation STUPID (Scientists To Unhappily Produce Idiotic Designs), whose primary goal is to seek out fictitious claims of new phenomenon and scientific curiosities that warrant expert scientific investigation.  Luckily authorities tagged the group's Facebook page as potentially frustrating and have already shut it down.

No one was more annoyed at the loss of Science than local biologist and wildlife expert Atkin Stump, "This thing isn't as clear cut as my colleagues would have you believe.  My research into badger's mating habits in disused industrial silos was far from over but all of a sudden my work is being rebranded and my contributions are being swept under the rug.  Make no mistake this is a cover up and once I find a magnifying glass I plan to investigate things further and find out what the hell is going on."

"Plans to turn the now."

Indeed the lack of available scientific equipment is partly due to Government recycling plans to turn the now useless equipment into recycling bins, security cameras and bullets.  While in the wake of the announcement microscope burning parties have become a global trend and demonstrate an intense belief in the community's discoveries and finality to all of Science.

Trendy microscope burning party.

Although the declaration was believed to be final, Science cannot be deemed legally 'Sorted' until all research data has been submitted for checking and re-checking by an independent adjudicator.

The person drafted in to oversee these calculations is retired accountant and veteran checker Mr. Kenneth Dullard whose initial results are said to be startling, "From what I can gather there are many inconsistencies sprouting up around a weather forecast in Dundee.  If my calculations are correct it would seem that some data has been fudged which could have a knock on effect of drastic proportions.  If I show you this decimal point here, it should be situated below the isobar and the fact it isn't could mean that Science is far from completed and I'm a God fearing man so I've triple checked my work to make sure that everything is in order."

If the work does prove to be incorrect it would see the Government having to scrap its reassignment programs that would see ex-scientists being drafted into the military in a bid to, "Bring home the decent ones."  Although Downing Street has failed to elaborate on these initial comments the findings of Mr. Dullard have create a great sense of unease in the former Scientific Community as millions of boffins wait with baited breath to see if they have made a colossal mistake.