Teenager Arrested After Childline Number Mix-up

by Shaky Parkinson

18-year-old teenager Kerry Ann Moate was arrested today after she repeatedly dialed the 999 emergency services number thinking it was the contact telephone address of the charity Childline.  Moate was said to have misdialed the number 756 times over the Christmas weekend and will most likely face a jail term for her actions.

"Dangerous and insufferable."

Superintendent Paul Fullwood of Cambridgeshire Police said, "This behaviour is clearly dangerous and insufferable.  Not only does it take a moron to realise that Childline would not have the same operating number as the entire countries emergency services but who dials a wrong number twice?  It seems the breakdown in her family life has left this girl without the ability to feel embarrassment or guilt and so we think the best place for her is prison."

Moate was brought before Huntingdon Magistrates' Court yesterday, charged with being thick and wasting everyone's time after police traced her telephone and placed her under arrest.  "I don't know why I did it," sighed Moate, "It's like I couldn't stop myself.  I don't know."

"Dickhead."

The silent calls were placed on Christmas Day and on Boxing Day and were said to have caused massive disruptions to the under staffed Christmas Temps.  "Didn't this little girl get any presents or a even a lump of coal?" claimed one unenthusiastic individual, "Even a lump of coal would have burnt for a few hours and kept her mind focused.  I know the Christmas scheduling was duller than a flattened pot of squash but that's no excuse for being a dickhead."

After admitting to the crimes Moate was relased on bail and will be sentenced in February.  "It was an easy decision," claimed Foreman George Foreman, "She was ugly so we wrapped things up by lunch and had plenty of time for some lean mean fat reducing grilling on my wonderful new lean mean fat reducing grilling machine."

Editorol: It's Chris

Morry Chris from teh News Geff Tem!!!  Horroah!!!

It's Chris!!!

Timmy Mallet Lookalike Found Dead In Timmy Mallet's Lounge

by Shaky Parkinson

A body has been found in the home of television presenter Timmy Mallet in the early hours of this morning.  The victim is thought to be 90-year-old Timmy Mallet lookalike Timothy M. Allet and police are treating the death as confusing.

"This certainly is a unique case," said Chief Inspector Kevin Wheatley, "There was no blood at the scene and no disturbances, but the victim had suffered huge internal hemorrhaging caused by a repeated beating with a soft instrument.  We have yet to locate the murder weapon but we believe the item to be a replica Mallet's Mallet as the original was under lock and key at the time and a full investigation is in progress."

The shock discovery occurred this morning after Mallet's annual 'Lookalike Thank You Bash'.  Mallet discovered the body himself while sipping some coco on the way to his painting studio.  "It was utterly brilliant," he sighed, "I was off to paint another masterpiece because I do actually have some talent, when I stumbled over the body of poor Timothy."

Wanted in connection with the
attack.

He continued, "I thought everyone had left hours ago.  We were partying pretty hard, as is our custom, but I can't imagine anything like this happening.  Prank calling Martina Navratilova at half one is a good six hour step from murder and we broke things up at four so I don't know how this could've happened.  Then again Timothy pissed off a lot of people.  He had enemies."

It seems the deceased had borrowed from numerous loan sharks in a desperate bid to float his gambling debts while simultaneously being tried for defrauding a number of large businesses over dodgy accounting.  It is also thought that he had invested heavily in black market bonds and was blackmailing a number of key Politicians as well as selling military secrets to foreign business executives.

"As far as we can see there is no motive for the killing," continued Wheatley, "This seems to be a spontaneous attack of rage probably caused by a spilt drink or ill-aimed joke.  All we can say is that the circumstances surrounding the death are comical and a full investigation is in progress."  

Allet, who is most noted for appearing in a number of episodes of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here as a stand in for Mallet who was off sick with freckles will not be missed and our thoughts cannot be with his loved ones because he sold them all into slavery many years ago.

"We Did It. We Fucking Did It".

by Shaky Parkinson

America's struggle for a Middle Eastern flag show has at last come to an end and been rewarded with success.  American forces were forced into armed action when their petition for a flag parade was denied nine years ago.  Since then there has been 4,000 American causalities along with hundreds of billions of civilian deaths.  The highlight of the conflict came when flag hater Saddam Hussein was killed in 2006, yet that didn't see an end to the bloodshed.

It has taken the Americans and no one else a further five years of petitions and attacks to secure their desired end.  "This is a special day," claimed first lieutenant flag bearer Jimmy Wave of Idaho, "Damn today is special, we did it, we fucking did it."

"It's been a struggle," spoke Barack Obama in a conference earlier today, "Damn it's been a struggle, but we did it, we fucking did it.  No one will ever live in fear of waving a flag around again.  Things will never be the same again.  Fuck yeah."

"This has been a long time coming," claimed General Dennis Leader, "We thought we had it back in o-6 when we hung that bastard and his tunnelling shenanigans.  I remember our flag being brought out and placed on his toppled statue and by fuck it looked good, but five minutes later it was gone and until today we've dreamed of showing it off properly."

Despite the apparent success of the operation in Iraq there has been criticism.  "This parade has cost our country trillions of dollars and frankly it's sloppy," claimed political critic John A. Noid, "I'm all for a good parade but the lack of professionalism and motivation behind the ceremony seems to have gone by unnoticed.  The twirls were lacking and frankly made a mockery of our entire nation and I'm sure I saw a mustard stain on the flag.  I'm very very very upset but at least we did it, we fucking did it."

"There's been sacrifices that's true," continued Obama, "There's been death, trouble, more death, but if that isn't worth fighting for then the word loses all meaning."

Whatever the future holds for flag parades in the Middle East it is clear that this venture has proven wildly successful and it is thought that when the global economy has stabilised another flag parade will be planned.

Doctor Who Found In Hampshire Cupboard

by Shaky Parkinson

Fans of the long running debacle that is Doctor Who will be wetting themselves to the discovery of two missing episodes in a private collection in Hampshire.  Terry Burnett bought the prints at a school fete thirty years ago and until an encounter with Head of Heritage at the Radio Times, Ralph Montagu, was unaware of the goldmine he was sat on.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" commented Burnett in a phone interview, "I've been struggling with the rent for years and I haven't eaten anything except baked beans on toast for several.  They haven't lost their appeal but I could really go for a cheeseburger.  With this windfall I might be able to get myself three or even four Big Macs."

The prints that date back to 1965 and 1967 will help fill the gaps in a number of scattered plots such as why was the show recommissioned and the creative motivation behind a time travelling Police Box.  "One of these episodes was the second in a four part serial that has until now been greeted with confusion and more confusion," claimed Terry Peckins, a loner from Stratford, "These episodes are the missing links all us fans have been waiting for to create some understanding as to why we have wasted our lives watching such an outdated over budgeted load of crap.  Finally we'll have answers."

It seems fans might have to wait a little longer for the release as negotiations between Burnett and the BBC move into their fifteenth day.  "It'll cost 'em," chuckled Burnett, "So far we are stuck on £800,000 and a free License Fee for life but I'm pushing for a million and that's still only half the budget for the last series so we're all winning."

The missing Fish People in all
their technical brilliance 

Either way it seems the television show will be hitting even higher ratings than before when the new episodes are broadcast while the amount of news coverage has brought forth other collectors from hiding.  "I've got ten complete unaired series of Crossroads that I found in a bin outside Jane Rossington's house if anyone wants them," claimed hermit, Joe Whereabouts.

"My prized possession is a lost episode of Coronation Street," claims archivist Polly Pocket, "It's the one where Deirdrie and Gale get bludgeoned to death by Ken Barlow but are miraculously saved when a world famous brain surgeon nips into the Rover's for a quick pint.  It was discarded when the producer's decided to go with the Richard Hillman storyline as they thought it would be what the audience wanted.  I've been quoted huge prices but it is staying on the mantelpiece with my Eldorado prints and my Robert Kilroy Silk cutout from Shafted."

It is thought the lost episodes will be airing on Christmas day and are expected to generate over ten billion viewers.

Wind Turbine Blown Over By Strong To Moderate Wind

by Shaky Parkinson

With force gales and hurricane offshoots ravaging the Orkney Islands one would think that times were good for people who own windmills, but Mr. and Mrs. Ketchup of Kirkwall would disagree with that statement as their newly installed £15,000 wind turbine was blown over during the night.

"It was tragic," sobbed Mrs. Ketchup, "I got up this morning and it was freezing and it wasn't until I opened the fridge, I saw that the entire contents had gone off overnight.  None of the appliances were working and when I looked out of the window I saw the new turbine lying embedded in the mud."

It is thought the incident occurred somewhere between ten minutes past one and eleven minutes past one with a fifteen second difference given for magnetic alteration and a sighting of the event by local drunk Hamish McHamish puts the incident at eleven clock tomorrow night.

"It was windy," attempted McHamish, "Very windy, well more a moderate breeze.  There was this big ball of light.  I was taking in the air and it just went.  Went.  Gone, poof bye.  Tragic."

"That's modern engineering for you," sighed Mr. Ketchup, "Utter tat.  Two week's I've had that and look at it now, rubbish.  You wouldn't get this with a coal burner, even they're back in fashion now.  I just do not understand the modern world.  Truth be told I was against the whole thing, bloody wind has never done me any good so why would it start now?  I say fuck the planet, it obviously don't want our help.  Pass me that insurance form."

Panic has quickly spread to neighboring towns and in the last seventy-two hours wind turbine shares have fallen steadily and are absolutely worthless to anyone.  "We couldn't let this happen to us could we Carl," puffed Carl's wife, Mrs. Carl, "Once one has gone down then it is best to panic and turn the gas back on, I'm not taking any risks."

Today's events have left a community shocked and stunned and shocked again and it may take decades for the Ketchup's to recover from the loss of such a large sum of money.

Frodo Makes It To Mt. Doom

by Shaky Parkinson

After nearly three months in the wilderness Frodo Baggins has been seen climbing the summit of Mount Doom.  This comes on a day when Sauron's forces raided Ilthilien, slaying roadside traders and causing millions of gold pieces in damage.

Frodo was sighted this morning just after elevenses sat on a ledge muttering to himself but when our Ringwraith in the Sky, Danny, swooped in for an interview he fled into hiding and hasn't been seen since.  We weren't able to ascertain the whereabouts of Frodo's man servant Samwise Gaygee but it is hoped he has perished somewhere in the wastes of Mordor.

This is the first contact made with the travelling Hobbit since his iPhone was discovered in the possession of an Orc Captain at the Black Gates.  Frodo's last tweet that read, "Sam's bitching again, hearing voices, could really do with a pint," caused growing concern since its publication as the duo haven't been seen or heard from since they entered Shelob's layer.  It was widely thought that they had perished at the hands of the giant spider but today's news will act as hope for millions, as the onslaught on Osgiliath moves into its fifth day and eternal darkness seems inevitable.

As he was taking off to cover the afternoon traffic around Minas Tirith Danny did see a skinny figure slinking his way up the mountain in an odd manner.  It is believed that the figure was none other than mass serial killer Gollum who has been wanted with the authorities for several years in connection with a number of unsolved murders in the Gladden Fields area.  The fishy circumstances surrounding the deaths have been linked with Gollum's M.O. and the Police are treating him as a key suspect in the investigation.  They have also advised any persons coming into contact with the creature to contact them immediately as he is extremely dangerous and is liable to bouts of extreme mental aggression and treachery.

Image taken from F.Baggins'
Facebook profile.

Speaking with renowned conjurer Gandalf the White, the Guff was able to glean this quick outburst, "I'm not taking any interviews.  No comments."  When asked if he had sent the Hobbits to their doom he was quick to respond, "I'm afraid I cannot answer that question, you'll have to take it up with my lawyers.  Leave me alone, you cannot pass."  We were unable to gather any more information and an official statement is being released.  At present it is believed that Gandalf is held up in his two million gold piece apartment overlooking the city and is unavailable for comment.

Ours, as well as the thoughts of all Middle-Earth are with the hairy footed bugger and we are all rooting for him to not fanny things up and that he will return home soon.

Pandas Inflicted Upon Scotland

by Shaky Parkinson

At 7am this morning staff at Edinburgh Zoo were startled to find two caged Pandas by the back door.  It is unsure about how the Pandas got there but were quickly brought in and given a clean bill of health by the staff vet.

"I hate seeing animals being abandoned by their countries but we've done all we can for them now," claimed head vet William Paws, "As far as we can see they seem to be adjusting well, but then again they are Pandas so you can never really tell."

Zoo CCTV has been unable to identify the culprits and there have been no witnesses other than a sighting on Prince's Street by Angus McTosh, "I was sitting down to my evening drink when all of a sudden these Chinese lads came rushing past cheering and yelling.  Then again I was sat on the junction to Waverley Bridge and they could've been the kitchen staff from Jimmy Chung's on a post dinner rush celebration."

"We've been unable to identify a single member of the terrorist organisation," claimed head keeper Mark Furry, "The surveillance equipment simply shows fifteen young people dressed in black wheeling up the cages and bolting.  The attack took little more than a minute and they cunningly wore balaclavas to avoid being noticed.  You'd think a seven hundred thousand pound security system would have picked up something?  It's just horrific to see such attacks in this day and age.  What the hell are we going to do with a pair of Pandas?  They are completely useless."

When asked for comments the Chinese Ambassador for Britain, Liu Xiaoming commented, "It appears that Edinburgh Zoo has been victim to a serious breach of animal welfare and my thoughts go out to all the Keeper's and penguins."

Mr. Xiaoming was keen to deny accusations of his Governments involvement, "We love Pandas and would never think about hurting them in anyway, much less abandoning them.  The City of Edinburgh should count itself lucky it has such wonderful creatures being gifted to them.  The Scottish climate and natural bamboo crop is a perfect place for these majestic animals to be and we should all be taking the positive from this event."

Despite these claims FedEx has stepped forward claiming that they have clues to the Pandas origin.  "It says here that the Panda's were sent special delivery from China last night on the FedEx Panda Express and signed for by a Mr. Smith at Edinburgh Airport at 11pm last night," remarked FedEx Customer Service Operator William, "The bill was paid for using PayPal if that helps but there final whereabouts are completely unknowable."

Either way it is thought that until the rightful owners of the Pandas can be found Edinburgh Zoo will display the couple in a bid to gain fortune from the incident.  "We've taken a serious blow as a zoo and all we can do now is whore out the creatures to the gawping public and try and flog some Panda toys in the mix.  They might as well be doing something useful until we can get them off our hands."

Either way crowds are already flocking to the capital for a glimpse at the animals with an estimated ten billion people to pass through the city in the next three days.

Jeremy Clarkson Complaints Replayed For Millions

by Shaky Parkinson 

Zillions of complaints have poured into the BBC demanding an end to the insulting comments made by Jeremy Clarkson on yesterday's edition of The One Show.  Mr. Clarkson stated that all public sector strikers should, "Be taken out and executed in front of their families," and the comment has generated huge amounts of public anger when it was picked up by BBC News 24 and played on a constant loop throughout the day.

"I'm really outraged," claimed Nosey Parker, "First I had to write in to complain about Mr. Clarkson and his tirade of filth, then I had to complain about the fact the BBC kept repeating it.  I've been offended over seventy times today by the same event and I'm furious.  I've been down to the post office several times already and God knows the queues don't get any shorter.  Does the BBC think I'm made of stamps?"

"I could do without this shit," claimed BBC complaints manager, Derrick Whinge, "We've just found out about a glitch in the new Frozen Planet DVD where David Attenborough says 'fuck' so things are pretty hectic around here without another Clarkson comment piling up the work.  I still like Top Gear."

"His comments hurt deep," claimed administrative worker Daniel Dumps, "And having to see them being played over and over again just adds salt to the wound.  I went striking in good faith but to realise that I had done so mistakenly was just too much to bear.  I'm going to load up my air rifle and take it into the front garden as per Jeremy's suggestion and do the right thing."

"The public sector workers in this country are privilege to some of the best pensions in the world," claimed Father Chris Mass, "You're not the only ones getting a pay freeze.  At least you teachers are doing a job you bloody enjoy.  If I have to explain God's motives for another dead three year old I'm done.  The rate my profession is going I'll be lucky to retire on anything more than a weekly helping of bread and incense."

"Unfortunately we live in a democracy," remarked Clarkson, "It's my opinion, I know the BBC is pretty weak minded but if I cannot express myself on a 'Topical' magazine show then why bother having me here?  You know what I'm like.  I still can't believe anyone was even watching this hunk of shit.  The only reason this show is here is because of a complete lack competition.  I'd hate to know that Top Gear was getting shared with a plate of microwavable curry.  Do I still get paid?"

Mr. Clarkson's comments could end up with him facing prosecution and eventually see him sentenced to a crime.  "I've done a crime now have I," spouted Clarkson, "It's not my fault you lot can't take a joke, but if you need an apology then I suppose I'll give you one along with the BBC."  The BBC has yet to apologise with any sincerity and the whole affair has wound up turning into yet another attack on the Prime Minister.

"I didn't say anything," claimed David Cameron during a berating at the hands of Philip Schofield, "Just because I know someone doesn't make them my responsibility.  I know people hate Clarkson because he is rich but you're worth a fair few million and he brings in a hell of a lot of revenue for the BBC.  Just because you're on a morning chat show doesn't make you one of the people Schofield.  If Clarkson wants to talk like an arse that should theoretically be his problem.  I will say that his comments were silly, foolish and should not have been given repeated airtime.  That is what Top Gear is for and he should know that."

Calls for Clarkson's removal from television screens have been wide spread.  "There have been many good arguments as to why we should sack Mr. Clarkson," explained director general Mark Thompson, "But the thing is that he makes us loads of cash, and so we can get away with offending people by repeating the story over and over.  It's all great publicity, even if it isn't entirely newsworthy, at least people now know The One Show exists."

Whatever may happen it is thought that the reruns will be continued for at least the next twenty four hours until interest in the story fades with many irate viewers planning sit outs at their local post office to get their complaints into Television Centre on the first post.  If you want information on where your nearest Clarkson Loathers Against Profanity sit out is taking place, simple ring 118 118 and ask for the CLAP.