Monday, 29 April 2013
Mohammed Sohel Rana Enters Record Books
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Sunday, 21 April 2013
Michael Bolton, Not From Bolton
by Shaky Parkinson
The people of Bolton were today shocked to discover that legendary singer/songwriter and local icon Michael Bolton was not in fact born in the city. Bolton whose real name is in fact Bolotin originally hails from New Haven, Connecticut and isn't even of British nationality.
"Devastated," claimed Bolton Mayor Guy Harkin, "This is a massive blow to our city's identity and the work required in rectifying this mistake could cripple us at the next budget. There's the street names, the statues, not too mention the charities that will have to be shut down. I guess no one did the research. Although this does shed light on why he didn't respond to our letters."
Bolton's citizens were equally distressed by the news with Mr. Wellesley of Michael Bolton Manor claiming, "We sort of assumed everything and you know what they say, to assume is to set yourself up to look like a tit."
"Our bad," sighed Shelia Smith of How Am I Supposed To Live Without You Road.
"Honestly, I don't think we should change a thing. What Bolton needs now is moral and shunning our identity won't help that. Bolton is Bolton and it should stay that way," noted Sid Purt of Go The Distance Avenue.
"Who?" asked Deborah Hill of Can I Touch You...There? Street.
Sentiment wasn't all positive with Richard Holme of Michael Mews in uproar at the discovery, "I don't know what this tosser is trying to pull but he's upsetting a lot of people. Think of the lives he is ruining."
"My faith is absolutely shattered," he continued to sob, "When a man loves a woman it's fine, but when a city loves a man its nothing but a fucking joke. Well ha ha ha. Bolton's taken all my love and left me a hollow shell of a man. What are we supposed to do now?"
"We were only days away from a cure," claimed researcher Imelda Johnson of the Michael Bolton Leukaemia Research Foundation that was shut down this morning after the announcement, "That's thirty years of research down the drain. Shit."
Protest was strongest amongst the city's more radical fan-base with a CD and tape cassette burning scheduled to take place at Sexual Healing Square later this evening. Bolton was unavailable for comment although his answering machine claimed that he, "Said I Loved You...But I lied."
The turmoil is set to spread nationwide with other cities double checking their research in fear of losing claim to what may or may not be their homegrown talent. "It's a sad time," claimed Home Secretary Theresa May, "People are waking up to the fact that Julie London was from California, Michael York was a Southerner and Clarke Kent never even set foot in the home counties. It is a sad realisation but we can at least take solace in the fact that the Britain we know and love is being represented across the world by a vast group of Americans.
Tickets for the Big Bolton Burn are £7 each on the door, no concessions. Doors open at 7pm and remember, you bring the fuel and we'll bring the fun.
 |
| "Said I loved you...But I Lied" |
"Devastated," claimed Bolton Mayor Guy Harkin, "This is a massive blow to our city's identity and the work required in rectifying this mistake could cripple us at the next budget. There's the street names, the statues, not too mention the charities that will have to be shut down. I guess no one did the research. Although this does shed light on why he didn't respond to our letters."
Bolton's citizens were equally distressed by the news with Mr. Wellesley of Michael Bolton Manor claiming, "We sort of assumed everything and you know what they say, to assume is to set yourself up to look like a tit."
"Our bad," sighed Shelia Smith of How Am I Supposed To Live Without You Road.
"Honestly, I don't think we should change a thing. What Bolton needs now is moral and shunning our identity won't help that. Bolton is Bolton and it should stay that way," noted Sid Purt of Go The Distance Avenue.
 |
| Bolton, a city reeling. |
Sentiment wasn't all positive with Richard Holme of Michael Mews in uproar at the discovery, "I don't know what this tosser is trying to pull but he's upsetting a lot of people. Think of the lives he is ruining."
"My faith is absolutely shattered," he continued to sob, "When a man loves a woman it's fine, but when a city loves a man its nothing but a fucking joke. Well ha ha ha. Bolton's taken all my love and left me a hollow shell of a man. What are we supposed to do now?"
"We were only days away from a cure," claimed researcher Imelda Johnson of the Michael Bolton Leukaemia Research Foundation that was shut down this morning after the announcement, "That's thirty years of research down the drain. Shit."
 |
| The Michael Bolton statue that adorns Sexual Healing Square in the City Centre. |
The turmoil is set to spread nationwide with other cities double checking their research in fear of losing claim to what may or may not be their homegrown talent. "It's a sad time," claimed Home Secretary Theresa May, "People are waking up to the fact that Julie London was from California, Michael York was a Southerner and Clarke Kent never even set foot in the home counties. It is a sad realisation but we can at least take solace in the fact that the Britain we know and love is being represented across the world by a vast group of Americans.
Tickets for the Big Bolton Burn are £7 each on the door, no concessions. Doors open at 7pm and remember, you bring the fuel and we'll bring the fun.
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
North Korea Poised To Play History's Biggest Bluff
by Shaky Parkinson
Continuing fears about North Korea's nuclear weapon capabilities have suffered a sharp knock in credibility after a meeting of world leaders has claimed the country is simply 'Bluffing' and that its technological developments haven't yet 'Passed beyond the acquisition of a Pritt Stick'.
Continuous threats coupled with only minor blanket advertising are claimed to have highlighted the world's governments to the country's lack of action, with Foreign Secretary William Hague noting, "Kim Jong-un isn't positioned to be offering us these grand threats and it appears his intentions are nothing more than idle argy bargy brought about to further an ego boost."
He continued, "He should have gotten out while the going was good, not pussy foot around with a few ifs and buts. If North Korea truly wanted to sell us the idea of a thermo-nuclear war they would have bombed Seoul weeks ago, the situation we are in now is laughable and it has been agreed that the big NK should step down from the table and call it quits."
Statements issued from Pyongyang have rebuffed the claims stating, "We're dead serious about all this. We've made it really clear that if South Korea doesn't stop ignoring us and start panicking we'll launch all our bombs and stuff at them. If we decided to give you a tour around are really sweet army bases then you'd see that all our tech is quality and if anyone thinks we are bluffing we'll use all our blowy uppy things and hav' 'em."
The foreign office was quick to reassure travellers of the region's continuing stability by claiming, "That there is no increased danger in the area and certainly no immediate threat posed to any visitors to South Korea beyond a dodgy street vendor." This feeling was reiterated by Hague who went on to claim that, "North Korea has our deepest condolences and we're just hoping this whole fiasco blows over quickly and we can all go out for a drink to settle our differences. Maybe it's not us that needs to listen. Words don't always have to hurt. Isn't that right Kimmy?"
South Korea was also portraying a nation in the throws of calmness with President Park Geun-hye shrugging off the threats as idle banter, "No need to worry, they do this from time to time," she stated, "It's just a thing we have. Give it a week or so and the matter will be ancient history."
These comments sparked further frustration from the North Korean capital with comments being released stating, "We are well 'ard and if no one believes us we are going to blow shit up. We mean business and death to all the twats! No joke, the reason we haven't fired any missiles yet is because we don't want any of you stupid foreigners living south of the border to get hurt. That's compassion that is but we've got deadlines to hit and we've been left with no other option than to get this thermo-nuclear fun storm underway. As soon as the wind is in the right position and the missiles have been cleaned you better watch out. We are a nation at war and if everyone wants to ignore that and make us out to be bullies then we'll have to sort 'em out."
President Obama responded with a well received, "Oh no he didn't," before going onto say, "The threats levelled at the United Sates of America are pretty negligible, even if one of these 'missiles' could reach our shores it'll probably just buff up the work for the local archaeologists."
Concern however wasn't absent with Japan deploying anti-aircraft launchers reasoning, "We don't believe in bluffs. The only thing we understand is that North Korea has said it will soon be launching some nuclear weapons our way and because the evidence shows us this is not unlikely we have no choice but to take these threat seriously. Although these are simply just cautionary measures we don't really foresee any future problems, I mean we took down Godzilla, we got this."
Tensions and opinions are still varied although much less strained and it is this writer's hope that these threats remain idle and that no one flicks the switch.
Continuous threats coupled with only minor blanket advertising are claimed to have highlighted the world's governments to the country's lack of action, with Foreign Secretary William Hague noting, "Kim Jong-un isn't positioned to be offering us these grand threats and it appears his intentions are nothing more than idle argy bargy brought about to further an ego boost."
He continued, "He should have gotten out while the going was good, not pussy foot around with a few ifs and buts. If North Korea truly wanted to sell us the idea of a thermo-nuclear war they would have bombed Seoul weeks ago, the situation we are in now is laughable and it has been agreed that the big NK should step down from the table and call it quits."
Statements issued from Pyongyang have rebuffed the claims stating, "We're dead serious about all this. We've made it really clear that if South Korea doesn't stop ignoring us and start panicking we'll launch all our bombs and stuff at them. If we decided to give you a tour around are really sweet army bases then you'd see that all our tech is quality and if anyone thinks we are bluffing we'll use all our blowy uppy things and hav' 'em."
 |
| Kimmy, trying to stay in high spirits during a game of odd man out. |
The foreign office was quick to reassure travellers of the region's continuing stability by claiming, "That there is no increased danger in the area and certainly no immediate threat posed to any visitors to South Korea beyond a dodgy street vendor." This feeling was reiterated by Hague who went on to claim that, "North Korea has our deepest condolences and we're just hoping this whole fiasco blows over quickly and we can all go out for a drink to settle our differences. Maybe it's not us that needs to listen. Words don't always have to hurt. Isn't that right Kimmy?"
South Korea was also portraying a nation in the throws of calmness with President Park Geun-hye shrugging off the threats as idle banter, "No need to worry, they do this from time to time," she stated, "It's just a thing we have. Give it a week or so and the matter will be ancient history."
 |
| In his garden President Obama searches for potential missiles. |
President Obama responded with a well received, "Oh no he didn't," before going onto say, "The threats levelled at the United Sates of America are pretty negligible, even if one of these 'missiles' could reach our shores it'll probably just buff up the work for the local archaeologists."
 |
| Japanese mount terrifying defense. |
Tensions and opinions are still varied although much less strained and it is this writer's hope that these threats remain idle and that no one flicks the switch.
Sunday, 3 March 2013
Shark Deaths Number 100 Million A Year
by Shaky Parkinson
Statistics released today show that man's battle with nature has hit an all time high with upwards of 100 million sharks estimated to have been killed in the last 12 months. The government is said to be 'Happy' with the increase after last years G8 summit pledged $17billion towards the fight for less scary oceans and fear free swimming.
"Myself and the other members of the G8 decided that the shark menace is one we couldn't ignore any longer," quoted Barrack Obama from Camp David last May, "With their dark beady eyes, sharp teeth and ravenous bloodlust we have act now if we ever want to rid the globe of this terrible threat to human safety."
"We still have our work."
"We're ecstatic," claimed Dr. Ken Wallet of F.I.S.H. (Florida Institute for Shark Hunting), "This funding has not only allowed us to further a physical presence upon the seas but has given us the chance to pursue much needed research into this creatures mating habits because the way these buggers fuck means we still have our work cut out if we are ever going to get the surfing holiday we all want."
Chinese commercial fishing subsidiaries are said to have proven highly effective since their creation in June with the Chinese coast already showing exhaustion of major fishing locations. "Francois Hollande and myself have been campaigning to incorporate China into the G8 for sometime," claimed Prime Minister David Cameron, "And the way in which they've thrown themselves into this cause is very encouraging. They're sterling work is leading the way towards the extinction of humanity's scariest foe and their skill is only complimented by their professionalism with the cute way in which they ritualistically eat the fin from every shark they kill as a mark of respect. Adorable."
"Their limbs are safe."
"What good is a blue flag beach when the sea is infested with sharks?" claimed Tourism Minister Burt Beach, "This fish is scaring away our tourist trade and leaving our seaside's to rot in the rain. Surely the loss of one globally disliked creature is comparable to a world where people can live in ignorance knowing that their limbs are safe from unruly predators? Isn't that the human approach?"
Wallet continued, "Forty years ago we knew next to nothing about sharks, and if Steven Spielberg had not enlightened the world to their ways with his legendary documentary we would still be stuck in the board room discussing what to do. His foresight gave us the time to prepare and adapt to the creature's environment so that today we can finally begin to reap the benefits of decades worth of planning."
"World specialists out of work."
Despite numerous animal rights and environmental activists forcing localised bans and litigation onto many aspects of the killing process it hasn't deterred Governments from pushing forward with their plans. "The shark is a magnificent creature, not only will the endangering of this species put tens of oceanographers and Sea World specialists out of work but it will ruin what should be a natural fear of the ocean," claimed Cathy Newman of F.I.S.H (Friends to Investigate Shark Harassment), "Without sharks to keep them in check as the prime predator of the ocean we predict that a race of Super Crabs will rise to take their place with even more disastrous consequences for the human population and we refuse to let this become a reality."
These concerns were swiftly swept aside when the news broke of a shark attack on 17 year old James Talward who had his tattoo disfigured while surfing off the Durban coast. During a press conference earlier this morning the shaken youth commented, "I'd swum out past the safety nets to catch the morning break and before I knew it my Sharky and George tattoo was being agonisingly chewed up by a baby Dwarf Lantern. It wasn't until I flicked him off that I realised the damage he'd done. No amount of hospital bills or re-touching will prevent me being ostracised and ridiculed for my damaged ink."
In the wake of the attack the world's Governments issued joint statements claiming that their shark hunting initiatives and subsidiaries will continue as promised leaving us to ponder whether the answer to the age old question, what is yellow and dangerous is in fact a Chinese fishing trawler.
"Myself and the other members of the G8 decided that the shark menace is one we couldn't ignore any longer," quoted Barrack Obama from Camp David last May, "With their dark beady eyes, sharp teeth and ravenous bloodlust we have act now if we ever want to rid the globe of this terrible threat to human safety."
"We still have our work."
 |
| Wallet bagging his first kill in 1981. |
Chinese commercial fishing subsidiaries are said to have proven highly effective since their creation in June with the Chinese coast already showing exhaustion of major fishing locations. "Francois Hollande and myself have been campaigning to incorporate China into the G8 for sometime," claimed Prime Minister David Cameron, "And the way in which they've thrown themselves into this cause is very encouraging. They're sterling work is leading the way towards the extinction of humanity's scariest foe and their skill is only complimented by their professionalism with the cute way in which they ritualistically eat the fin from every shark they kill as a mark of respect. Adorable."
"Their limbs are safe."
 |
| OMFG!!! |
Wallet continued, "Forty years ago we knew next to nothing about sharks, and if Steven Spielberg had not enlightened the world to their ways with his legendary documentary we would still be stuck in the board room discussing what to do. His foresight gave us the time to prepare and adapt to the creature's environment so that today we can finally begin to reap the benefits of decades worth of planning."
"World specialists out of work."
Despite numerous animal rights and environmental activists forcing localised bans and litigation onto many aspects of the killing process it hasn't deterred Governments from pushing forward with their plans. "The shark is a magnificent creature, not only will the endangering of this species put tens of oceanographers and Sea World specialists out of work but it will ruin what should be a natural fear of the ocean," claimed Cathy Newman of F.I.S.H (Friends to Investigate Shark Harassment), "Without sharks to keep them in check as the prime predator of the ocean we predict that a race of Super Crabs will rise to take their place with even more disastrous consequences for the human population and we refuse to let this become a reality."
 |
| Children at a Shark Seminar in Perth. |
In the wake of the attack the world's Governments issued joint statements claiming that their shark hunting initiatives and subsidiaries will continue as promised leaving us to ponder whether the answer to the age old question, what is yellow and dangerous is in fact a Chinese fishing trawler.
Sunday, 17 February 2013
Corn Wall To Be Reinstated
by Shaky Parkinson
Amid rebuffs of independence Cornwall County Council have shocked the country be rallying volunteers to begin construction on the Corn Wall, a planned 300ft undertaking that will stretch from Plymouth to Welcombe and result in the unofficial annexing of Cornwall from the United Kingdom.
Drastic though it may be the new Corn Wall will not be the first of its kind. In 900BC and again 1316AD corn walls were erected along the edge of Britain's 'Corn Belt' that marked the border between Devon and Cornwall and gave rise to the county's name.
"It was a big decision," claimed head of research and development for Cornwall County Council Bernard Rick, "But after many months of peaceful campaigning only to be told our desire for a free Cornwall was 'infantile on a level not even a child would understand' we decided to take matters into our own hands. Although we would like to keep with tradition and build the fortification out of corn the idea isn't feasible or cost effective and so with a modern age comes a modern wall. We have a long way to go yet but we are confident that in time everyone will come to love and support the project as much as our initial bunch of volunteers. "
"I'm not going to stand."
During a press conference this morning Prime Minister David Cameron was asked how he will be handling the matter and whether or not the actions taken by Cornwall were treasonous, "Sensible, no, treasonous, we can but hope. If Cornwall want to play independence for a few days I'm not going to stand in their way but the reality is that their plans are completely unfeasible, ridiculous and infantile on a level not even a child would understand."
He continued, "I mean where will they get the stones? Years of mining have exhausted all their natural resources and if history has shown us anything it's that you cannot build a defensive 300ft barrier out of tin scraps. It's just stupid. However if it comes down to it we'll fight them, no matter how absurd the fight we can't have rogue counties causing mayhem in this manner. A joke's a joke but that's as far as we'll let them take it."
"So."
Native Truro Architect Richard Price (8th Generation) has been asked to oversee the project, "This is the biggest undertaking of its kind and I'm proud to be apart of the project. We not only want the wall to be practical but also aesthetically pleasing, so we plan on using imported British cement for the structure and a beautiful Cornish granite for the facing, thus illustrating the strength and beauty that emblazons the Cornish people themselves."
"I'm simply the first link in a chain that will go on for the 250 years it will take to complete the wall," he furthered, "We're laying the groundwork of independence so that our grandchildren's children's great grandchildren will finally have the privilege of living in a state free from the tyrannical influence of the British Government."
"The family hopped."
News Guff was on site to speak to volunteers such as Samantha Pastry of Cambourne who has given up her time to aid the project, "After we'd heard the news the family hopped straight into the Citroen and we drove up to help. We just had to be apart of this."
"This will really stick it to the man," claimed Edgar Plunk of Wendron.
"FREEDOM!!!" claimed Badger Dennings of Looe.
"Get those crazy fucks."
Support for the Corn Wall has already progressed beyond the confines of the county with Devonshire County Council committing extra workmen to aid in construction, "We just have to get rid of them," claimed Devonshire Councillor Kerry Hill, "It's always independence this and independence that so we've sent in labourers to quicken construction and get those crazy fucks locked away forever. With them gone we can finally give the Devonshire Pasty its deserved placing as the nation's favourite heated snack and finally put Devon on the map."
Support also came from further afield with Norfolk and Shropshire County Councils both in plans to dissociate themselves from British rule. A spokesperson for Norfolk County Council stated, "We are sick of being left behind and if Britain is heading towards a state state then we want to be first in the queue."
"We've witnessed these projects fail."
Walls have been used throughout history as a simple form of segregation but UN Worker David Baulderdash has been quick to criticise the Corn Wall and it's unnecessary instigation, "The wall is only a means to distill a short term conflict and cannot succeed as a long term peaceful goal. Despite what they say people don't like to be separated and we've witnessed these projects fail time and time again. When you think really hard about it, the idea of a Corn Wall is very much retarded."
The feelings of Baulderdash were mirrored by many inhabitants of the Cornish region that resulted in a riot at the workers construction HQ at Launceston. "You don't just go around building walls without good cause," claimed protest organiser Kenneth Gill, "We believe that words and negotiation are what is needed here, so these idiots can fuck off while we burn down their campsite."
"They may think they are keeping everyone else out but really they are locking us all in," claimed fellow activist Gemma Beach, "I've seen the plans and although the granite is a lovely touch the project is simply barmy. I'm all for displays of mass action but as a county there is no reason why we need independence from our neighbours, and we sure as shit don't need a 300ft wall blocking out our most enjoyable asset."
After the riot left three people bruised and eight tents flattened the Territorial Army sent in reserve troops to monitor the scene but with rumours of rain, excessive tea breaks and malcontent circulating, the chaotic diplomatic affairs amongst the Cornish ranks could already spell doom for the plan.
Drastic though it may be the new Corn Wall will not be the first of its kind. In 900BC and again 1316AD corn walls were erected along the edge of Britain's 'Corn Belt' that marked the border between Devon and Cornwall and gave rise to the county's name.
"It was a big decision," claimed head of research and development for Cornwall County Council Bernard Rick, "But after many months of peaceful campaigning only to be told our desire for a free Cornwall was 'infantile on a level not even a child would understand' we decided to take matters into our own hands. Although we would like to keep with tradition and build the fortification out of corn the idea isn't feasible or cost effective and so with a modern age comes a modern wall. We have a long way to go yet but we are confident that in time everyone will come to love and support the project as much as our initial bunch of volunteers. "
"I'm not going to stand."
During a press conference this morning Prime Minister David Cameron was asked how he will be handling the matter and whether or not the actions taken by Cornwall were treasonous, "Sensible, no, treasonous, we can but hope. If Cornwall want to play independence for a few days I'm not going to stand in their way but the reality is that their plans are completely unfeasible, ridiculous and infantile on a level not even a child would understand."
 |
| Artists impression of original 900BC Corn Wall. |
"So."
Native Truro Architect Richard Price (8th Generation) has been asked to oversee the project, "This is the biggest undertaking of its kind and I'm proud to be apart of the project. We not only want the wall to be practical but also aesthetically pleasing, so we plan on using imported British cement for the structure and a beautiful Cornish granite for the facing, thus illustrating the strength and beauty that emblazons the Cornish people themselves."
"I'm simply the first link in a chain that will go on for the 250 years it will take to complete the wall," he furthered, "We're laying the groundwork of independence so that our grandchildren's children's great grandchildren will finally have the privilege of living in a state free from the tyrannical influence of the British Government."
"The family hopped."
News Guff was on site to speak to volunteers such as Samantha Pastry of Cambourne who has given up her time to aid the project, "After we'd heard the news the family hopped straight into the Citroen and we drove up to help. We just had to be apart of this."
"This will really stick it to the man," claimed Edgar Plunk of Wendron.
"FREEDOM!!!" claimed Badger Dennings of Looe.
"Get those crazy fucks."
Support for the Corn Wall has already progressed beyond the confines of the county with Devonshire County Council committing extra workmen to aid in construction, "We just have to get rid of them," claimed Devonshire Councillor Kerry Hill, "It's always independence this and independence that so we've sent in labourers to quicken construction and get those crazy fucks locked away forever. With them gone we can finally give the Devonshire Pasty its deserved placing as the nation's favourite heated snack and finally put Devon on the map."
 |
| Working? The Israeli West Bank Barrier. |
"We've witnessed these projects fail."
Walls have been used throughout history as a simple form of segregation but UN Worker David Baulderdash has been quick to criticise the Corn Wall and it's unnecessary instigation, "The wall is only a means to distill a short term conflict and cannot succeed as a long term peaceful goal. Despite what they say people don't like to be separated and we've witnessed these projects fail time and time again. When you think really hard about it, the idea of a Corn Wall is very much retarded."
The feelings of Baulderdash were mirrored by many inhabitants of the Cornish region that resulted in a riot at the workers construction HQ at Launceston. "You don't just go around building walls without good cause," claimed protest organiser Kenneth Gill, "We believe that words and negotiation are what is needed here, so these idiots can fuck off while we burn down their campsite."
 |
| Construction HQ, Launceston. |
After the riot left three people bruised and eight tents flattened the Territorial Army sent in reserve troops to monitor the scene but with rumours of rain, excessive tea breaks and malcontent circulating, the chaotic diplomatic affairs amongst the Cornish ranks could already spell doom for the plan.
Tuesday, 5 February 2013
iApple Hits Shops
by Shaky Parkinson
Apple's new portable device the iApple hit the high street this morning with fans already queueing round the block to get their hands on what experts are dubbing 'The decades most revolutionary invention'.
"The iApple is not just an apple," claimed Apple CEO Tim Cook, "It's the latest innovation in mobile technology. Much like we did with the desktop computer and the mobile phone we have taken this simple fruit and developed it in a way that will suit our customers needs and further the Apple brand."
"Our consumers are always looking for the next big technological development and the iApple is there to help them on the way. Its goal is to cater to the professional who is so busy with their important rushing about that eating not only becomes a choir but a nuisance. With incorporated calorie counter, iTunes connectivity and wireless Internet the iApple aims to time manage people's eating habits in a healthy way whilst offering up all the essential communication tools of a high end Apple product."
It seems the public are eager to get their hands on the new device that comes equipped not only with all the plug-ins, apps and accessibility of a standard iPhone but with a calorie counter, diet instructor and fat measurer coupled with tasty nourishing abilities that are set to path the way for a fresh surge in healthy living.
"I've been queuing up here for roughly a month," claimed avid Apple fan Stephen Fry, "If the iApple is as awesome as my iPhone then I'm willing to pay the £800 for the privilege of using it."
"If it has Angry Birds on it then I'm sold," claimed Publicist Shelia Gonk.
"Increase in whole sale fruit."
Retail analysts are predicting that the release of the iApple could see a positive effect on the high street at a time when many retailers are struggling with closure. Although many critics are claiming that the Apple brand is becoming far to monopolising, recent statistics show an increase in wholesale fruit and vegetables as Apple licensed fruit and vegetable stores sprout up across the country.
"We're out to crush our competitors," continued Cook, "And we see our backing as key to the survival of the fledging fruit and veg industry in the UK. As a company we're innovators and with our skills coupled with that of the already well-established apple we can promote healthy, clean living with integrated Wi-Fi at a reasonable and excessive cost. With Apple's global appeal we plan on putting an iApple into the hands of everyone on the globe. Simply put the iApple is the future."
The Online iApple App Store has already seen a massive surge in activity since stores opened at 8am this morning and it is thought that the trend will continue. Experts are also expecting to see increased sales in healthy food products with many brands already using the iApple's technology to syndicate their products.
"The public won't stand."
The news wasn't all jubilant with court cases and criticism hitting Apple's door like a barrage of shit. "The apple is a fruit and cannot be licensed by one company alone," claimed Granny Smith, "This kind of corporate intrusion cannot be justified and no matter how many features it has the public won't stand for this."
Samsung also bruised Apple's side by filing a number of lawsuits against the company claiming that they had infringed patent copyright, "We invented the apple years ago and Apple have simply ripped off our technology for their own uses," fumed Samsung Chairman Lee Kun-hee, "They must be stopped."
Cook responded by claiming, "That Apple has breached no copyright laws and that its fruity technology is its own," before going onto accost Samsung CEO Kwon Oh-hyun of failing to produce proof of the accusations, "If we can steal from the Beatles we can steal from anybody and regardless of these accusations it is clear that the iApple is having a positive impact on the consumer market," he concluded.
Samsung made no further statements and their concerns were lost amid news that the iApple 2.0 will be hitting shelves next month featuring upgrades such as a 16 mega-pixel camera as well as orange, kiwi and strawberry coloured models.
 |
| Tim Cook at iApple launch. |
"The iApple is not just an apple," claimed Apple CEO Tim Cook, "It's the latest innovation in mobile technology. Much like we did with the desktop computer and the mobile phone we have taken this simple fruit and developed it in a way that will suit our customers needs and further the Apple brand."
"Our consumers are always looking for the next big technological development and the iApple is there to help them on the way. Its goal is to cater to the professional who is so busy with their important rushing about that eating not only becomes a choir but a nuisance. With incorporated calorie counter, iTunes connectivity and wireless Internet the iApple aims to time manage people's eating habits in a healthy way whilst offering up all the essential communication tools of a high end Apple product."
 |
| Feeding the world. The iApple. |
"I've been queuing up here for roughly a month," claimed avid Apple fan Stephen Fry, "If the iApple is as awesome as my iPhone then I'm willing to pay the £800 for the privilege of using it."
"If it has Angry Birds on it then I'm sold," claimed Publicist Shelia Gonk.
"Increase in whole sale fruit."
Retail analysts are predicting that the release of the iApple could see a positive effect on the high street at a time when many retailers are struggling with closure. Although many critics are claiming that the Apple brand is becoming far to monopolising, recent statistics show an increase in wholesale fruit and vegetables as Apple licensed fruit and vegetable stores sprout up across the country.
 |
| The scene on Regent Street. |
The Online iApple App Store has already seen a massive surge in activity since stores opened at 8am this morning and it is thought that the trend will continue. Experts are also expecting to see increased sales in healthy food products with many brands already using the iApple's technology to syndicate their products.
"The public won't stand."
The news wasn't all jubilant with court cases and criticism hitting Apple's door like a barrage of shit. "The apple is a fruit and cannot be licensed by one company alone," claimed Granny Smith, "This kind of corporate intrusion cannot be justified and no matter how many features it has the public won't stand for this."
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| The iApple's classic features. |
Cook responded by claiming, "That Apple has breached no copyright laws and that its fruity technology is its own," before going onto accost Samsung CEO Kwon Oh-hyun of failing to produce proof of the accusations, "If we can steal from the Beatles we can steal from anybody and regardless of these accusations it is clear that the iApple is having a positive impact on the consumer market," he concluded.
Samsung made no further statements and their concerns were lost amid news that the iApple 2.0 will be hitting shelves next month featuring upgrades such as a 16 mega-pixel camera as well as orange, kiwi and strawberry coloured models.
Sunday, 20 January 2013
Staff Memo: Where's My Front Page Bitches?
Dear All,
I understand that winter is with us but unfortunately the news doesn't mirror the pace of National Rail and if we don't get something to press soon we're fucked. I've got the IRS up my arse claiming that we owe them something called taxes and they are threatening to get rid of Champagne Thursday as it apparently counts as a luxury and can't be classified under running costs. Personally I'd like to see them run a newspaper without it and the sad thing is I might get my wish.
Just because heaven is going through a Head and Shoulders shortage doesn't mean the news gets any less important. If I can get in from Alaska then you lot have no excuse. I mean Jesus Goodgame you live in the basement and Jack, think up something better. Coming from Robbins I'd be less skeptical but I'm not buying the suggestion that you were mortally wounded by a rogue Scottish Ninja off the Balham High Road.
Chris you have telepathic powers so even if your Internet is out you can at least beam me over a horoscope or two and Douglas, I know you're touchy about them but I've seen those paw like feet you're rocking and if they aren't snow friendly then nothing is. Just chalk this one up as a disabled win and get cracking on this economic terminology:
1) Revenue
2) Stocks (That's with a 't' I'm not a complete moron)
3) Extravagance
4) Jail
Bottom line if you're not going to brave the weather for me at least do it for the readers. How are they going to give credence to their anger without a few conflicting facts behind them?
Yours Forever,
Shaky xxx
I understand that winter is with us but unfortunately the news doesn't mirror the pace of National Rail and if we don't get something to press soon we're fucked. I've got the IRS up my arse claiming that we owe them something called taxes and they are threatening to get rid of Champagne Thursday as it apparently counts as a luxury and can't be classified under running costs. Personally I'd like to see them run a newspaper without it and the sad thing is I might get my wish.
Just because heaven is going through a Head and Shoulders shortage doesn't mean the news gets any less important. If I can get in from Alaska then you lot have no excuse. I mean Jesus Goodgame you live in the basement and Jack, think up something better. Coming from Robbins I'd be less skeptical but I'm not buying the suggestion that you were mortally wounded by a rogue Scottish Ninja off the Balham High Road.
Chris you have telepathic powers so even if your Internet is out you can at least beam me over a horoscope or two and Douglas, I know you're touchy about them but I've seen those paw like feet you're rocking and if they aren't snow friendly then nothing is. Just chalk this one up as a disabled win and get cracking on this economic terminology:
1) Revenue
2) Stocks (That's with a 't' I'm not a complete moron)
3) Extravagance
4) Jail
Bottom line if you're not going to brave the weather for me at least do it for the readers. How are they going to give credence to their anger without a few conflicting facts behind them?
Yours Forever,
Shaky xxx
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