by Shaky Parkinson
The people of Bolton were today shocked to discover that legendary singer/songwriter and local icon Michael Bolton was not in fact born in the city. Bolton whose real name is in fact Bolotin originally hails from New Haven, Connecticut and isn't even of British nationality.
"Devastated," claimed Bolton Mayor Guy Harkin, "This is a massive blow to our city's identity and the work required in rectifying this mistake could cripple us at the next budget. There's the street names, the statues, not too mention the charities that will have to be shut down. I guess no one did the research. Although this does shed light on why he didn't respond to our letters."
Bolton's citizens were equally distressed by the news with Mr. Wellesley of Michael Bolton Manor claiming, "We sort of assumed everything and you know what they say, to assume is to set yourself up to look like a tit."
"Our bad," sighed Shelia Smith of How Am I Supposed To Live Without You Road.
"Honestly, I don't think we should change a thing. What Bolton needs now is moral and shunning our identity won't help that. Bolton is Bolton and it should stay that way," noted Sid Purt of Go The Distance Avenue.
"Who?" asked Deborah Hill of Can I Touch You...There? Street.
Sentiment wasn't all positive with Richard Holme of Michael Mews in uproar at the discovery, "I don't know what this tosser is trying to pull but he's upsetting a lot of people. Think of the lives he is ruining."
"My faith is absolutely shattered," he continued to sob, "When a man loves a woman it's fine, but when a city loves a man its nothing but a fucking joke. Well ha ha ha. Bolton's taken all my love and left me a hollow shell of a man. What are we supposed to do now?"
"We were only days away from a cure," claimed researcher Imelda Johnson of the Michael Bolton Leukaemia Research Foundation that was shut down this morning after the announcement, "That's thirty years of research down the drain. Shit."
Protest was strongest amongst the city's more radical fan-base with a CD and tape cassette burning scheduled to take place at Sexual Healing Square later this evening. Bolton was unavailable for comment although his answering machine claimed that he, "Said I Loved You...But I lied."
The turmoil is set to spread nationwide with other cities double checking their research in fear of losing claim to what may or may not be their homegrown talent. "It's a sad time," claimed Home Secretary Theresa May, "People are waking up to the fact that Julie London was from California, Michael York was a Southerner and Clarke Kent never even set foot in the home counties. It is a sad realisation but we can at least take solace in the fact that the Britain we know and love is being represented across the world by a vast group of Americans.
Tickets for the Big Bolton Burn are £7 each on the door, no concessions. Doors open at 7pm and remember, you bring the fuel and we'll bring the fun.
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| "Said I loved you...But I Lied" |
"Devastated," claimed Bolton Mayor Guy Harkin, "This is a massive blow to our city's identity and the work required in rectifying this mistake could cripple us at the next budget. There's the street names, the statues, not too mention the charities that will have to be shut down. I guess no one did the research. Although this does shed light on why he didn't respond to our letters."
Bolton's citizens were equally distressed by the news with Mr. Wellesley of Michael Bolton Manor claiming, "We sort of assumed everything and you know what they say, to assume is to set yourself up to look like a tit."
"Our bad," sighed Shelia Smith of How Am I Supposed To Live Without You Road.
"Honestly, I don't think we should change a thing. What Bolton needs now is moral and shunning our identity won't help that. Bolton is Bolton and it should stay that way," noted Sid Purt of Go The Distance Avenue.
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| Bolton, a city reeling. |
Sentiment wasn't all positive with Richard Holme of Michael Mews in uproar at the discovery, "I don't know what this tosser is trying to pull but he's upsetting a lot of people. Think of the lives he is ruining."
"My faith is absolutely shattered," he continued to sob, "When a man loves a woman it's fine, but when a city loves a man its nothing but a fucking joke. Well ha ha ha. Bolton's taken all my love and left me a hollow shell of a man. What are we supposed to do now?"
"We were only days away from a cure," claimed researcher Imelda Johnson of the Michael Bolton Leukaemia Research Foundation that was shut down this morning after the announcement, "That's thirty years of research down the drain. Shit."
 |
| The Michael Bolton statue that adorns Sexual Healing Square in the City Centre. |
The turmoil is set to spread nationwide with other cities double checking their research in fear of losing claim to what may or may not be their homegrown talent. "It's a sad time," claimed Home Secretary Theresa May, "People are waking up to the fact that Julie London was from California, Michael York was a Southerner and Clarke Kent never even set foot in the home counties. It is a sad realisation but we can at least take solace in the fact that the Britain we know and love is being represented across the world by a vast group of Americans.
Tickets for the Big Bolton Burn are £7 each on the door, no concessions. Doors open at 7pm and remember, you bring the fuel and we'll bring the fun.
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