Staff Memo: Where's My Front Page Bitches?

Dear All,

I understand that winter is with us but unfortunately the news doesn't mirror the pace of National Rail and if we don't get something to press soon we're fucked.  I've got the IRS up my arse claiming that we owe them something called taxes and they are threatening to get rid of Champagne Thursday as it apparently counts as a luxury and can't be classified under running costs.  Personally I'd like to see them run a newspaper without it and the sad thing is I might get my wish.

Just because heaven is going through a Head and Shoulders shortage doesn't mean the news gets any less important.  If I can get in from Alaska then you lot have no excuse.  I mean Jesus Goodgame you live in the basement and Jack, think up something better.  Coming from Robbins I'd be less skeptical but I'm not buying the suggestion that you were mortally wounded by a rogue Scottish Ninja off the Balham High Road.

Chris you have telepathic powers so even if your Internet is out you can at least beam me over a horoscope or two and Douglas, I know you're touchy about them but I've seen those paw like feet you're rocking and if they aren't snow friendly then nothing is.  Just chalk this one up as a disabled win and get cracking on this economic terminology:

1) Revenue
2) Stocks (That's with a 't' I'm not a complete moron)
3) Extravagance
4) Jail

Bottom line if you're not going to brave the weather for me at least do it for the readers.  How are they going to give credence to their anger without a few conflicting facts behind them?


Yours Forever,

Shaky xxx

UK Prepares For Mid-Week Sickie

by Shaky Parkinson

Extreme weather warnings from the Met Office have caused employers to expect a huge rise in absenteeism in the coming week.  With the country heading into a yellow warning due to an increase in temperature in the stratosphere the UK could expect an excuse of -2C freezing, causing minimal amounts of ice and slush to hit the roads.

"It's the weather we've been waiting for," claimed Daniel Pierce of the Met Office, "Personally I found a damp cloudy Christmas wasn't good enough, so it is with belated joy we can claim that in the coming days we are expecting roughly 5cm of snow to fall on the highest points in the UK that will result in a fatal sleet and slush combo in most low lying areas.  With the recent global warming figures hot off the press we will happily be debunking any doubting farts by braving all in our thermals for a snowball fight at Henley Golf Course at a prompt 6am start on Tuesday morning."

"We can to make sure."

The Highways Agency were quick to reassure the public by stating, "There is enough salt for us to see out the winter.  However, the chips might be a problem with the findings of a contaminated potato storage lock up in East London.  We are doing all we can to make sure that the public get what they need to help them through this potentially exciting time."

Science?

Despite the reassurance of Government and institutions alike the public flew straight into panic mode with supermarkets undergoing a rush for booze, snacks and reduced mince pies.  "It's been chaos," spoke supermarket greeter Richard Ace, "The beer aisle is completely empty and we're running desperately low on Jacob's Creek.  As for crisps you won't get a pack of Walker's this side of Leicester."

The chance of a five day weekend also fueled the firebombing of a grit depot in Maidenhead, which saw a score of workers badly burned with salt in their wounds.  To coincide with the holiday ITV also underwent a massive scheduling change by advertising a mid-week Harry Potter film marathon that has left next Saturday's evening programming open to perilous amounts of Ant and Dec.

"Further."

"We're practically slaves," claimed one Scottish retail worker, "These company's just want more and more from you, they don't regard you as people and abuse your generous nature and hard work to reduce staff and exploit you further.  They may be able to take our health, time and freedom but they will NEVER TAKE OUR WEATHER!!!"

Prediction of Monday's rush hour.

Despite widespread enthusiasm many skeptics have come out to argue the statistics such as London banker Rectum Will, "The general public have once again shown themselves to be a pack of fools.  I'd like a day off as much as the next person but false optimism is not the answer.  We all know that the Met Office have proven time and time again that they cannot actually predict the weather beyond a shaky seven minute time frame and if people want to risk their jobs on loose findings then that is up to them.  What with the huge levels of anger, frustration and aggression being furthered by corporate rape and a failing economy we need to plough on regardless of these issues."

Other critics were also vocal on the subject but having given them one paragraph we thought that covers us and so the country waits to see if Monday's hangover will be as easy to manage as they hope.

'Gategate': Scandal Exclusive

by Shaky Parkinson

Semi-reliable sources inside Downing Street have leaked formally exclusive information about the property damage suffered by Conservative MP for Kinky Heath, Sebastian Flick during the attack on his home late last Thursday.  What Police were originally calling a 'Gate' Crime perpetrated by a band of drunkards is rapidly being attributed to an ongoing Parliamentary war between two opposing factions within the two main political parties.

At 11.15pm on Thursday, security cameras outside Mr. Flick's Surrey home captured a lone figure as he used human excrement, spray paint and a vast array of low budget cinnamon sticks to smear graffiti and discriminatory slogans on Flick's front gate including phrases such as 'Blue Cross Sale: 15% Reduction In All Tory Support' and the not so witty 'Flick's A Fucking Fake Fuck'.

"Behind one in many."

Talk from inside and outside the Government is that the figure bares a striking resemblance to and actually is Labour MP for Lemon-upon-Lime, Funk Underwood who has shared a long standing feud with Mr. Flick which is said to be the motivation behind one in many violent attacks perpetrated by both individuals.

Underwood caught on CCTV.

The dispute is said to have initiated during a widely publicised Parliamentary five-a-side football tournament that took place in the summer of 1991 in which Underwood claimed Flick tripped him on an unopposed goal attempt that cost his constituency a place in the final.  Flick in turn declared his foot never impacted on Underwood's boot and that the verbal slander was a way of overshadowing the fact that he'd in fact fallen over a piece of dirt.

"I."

"The man is a wretch," spoke Flick earlier this afternoon, "He's once again out to bring down not only myself but also himself and the Conservative Party as a whole although I bet he's the one feeling blue after today's formal identification.  Dirty politics such as this reflect a frankly childlike approach to government both personally and professionally so, na nana naaana."

Indeed Flick's rebuke seems well placed as Underwood was this morning arrested on suspicion of vandalism, more vandalism, blasphemy, catnapping and pottymouth with the press dubbing the scandal 'Gategate' after the similarly recent 'Plebgate' affair.

"We're taking this matter in the most anally way possible," noted Chief Intendant Jacob Wiltshire of Scotland yard, "We're having to delve into a two decade old feud that although harmless at first quickly descended into attempted murder, arson, rape and various acts of buggery.  We are only just starting to collect the relevant evidence needed to unravel these deeds but we have no doubt that this conflict branches into the highest levels of Parliament."

"We have no choice but to hand."

Former PM John Major on the
set of his popular game show
'Got Your Number. 10'.

"It was a tricky situation," spoke former Prime Minister John Major, "There was no clear evidence to prove that Underwood had fallen over the dirt and so in the spirit of Democracy it was agreed by all the members to let them battle it out over a jolly game of pranks.  The ensuing physical assaults, joke phone calls, shootings and mild acts of terrorism were all well and good but the use of feces was a step too far and we had to put a stop to it.  It's a shame Underwood was hard pressed for some creative inspiration and chose to attack his rival by airing his own dirty laundry but the man is a red blooded male and can't be blamed for thinking outside the skull.  Now that the matter has become public we have no choice but to hand control over to the Metropolitan Police for a full investigation."

Underwood was unavailable for comment although when interviewed his doorbell piped up to sing a positive tune of his employer.

Internal Memo: Season's Greetings

Dear All,

First off I'd like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and ask the person who abused the photocopying machine on Saturday's office bash to come forward.  The act was neither entertaining nor clever and reflects a standard of activity far below the heraldic wit that our subscribers have come to expect from us.  God knows how Gladys will react to the sight of next years paper budget being wasted on the promotion of the male member but the task will no doubt take more muscle to fix than the usual mop and bucket approach and I'll not be taking the flack for this one.

That said I'm looking forward to the Carol Concert and utter my thanks to Goodgame who has lived up to his name by faxing across the lyrics for tomorrow's festivities.  Time may be against us but a little work and we'll get this baby nailed.  I've had a read and must confess that my memory was in dire need of refreshing as it would appear I have little recollection of the words and the music quite escapes me having not heard it since the Upper Butterfield Midnight Mass service back in '86.  So have fun with it and I'll see you all at The Plough at a prompt 5ish and we'll soil a few hearts.

Shaky xxx

Away In A Manger (Lyrics)

Hooked up with a minger,

Legs splayed on the bed,

My little poor penis,

Laid down his soft head.

Her parts in the lamplight,

Looked up where she lay,

My little poor penis,

Asleep in her hay.

The prattle is flowing,

In coldness she waits,

My little poor penis,

Sore crying he makes.

I hate thee poor penis,

Catch glance eye to eye,

Let's leave this here bedside,

'fore one of us cries.

Be with me poor penis,

Apologies I pray,

Chance takings will never,

Take home to away.

Flee all these one nighters,

In your tender care,

And take me to heaven,

When better's not there.

Cliff Richard Becomes World's First Self Stalker

"It's over," Cliff at Scotland Yard.

Cliff Richard has walked himself into the ego-books by becoming the world's first self-stalker.  His confession was heard by officers at Scotland Yard after he swept into the building in the early hours of this morning claiming to the victim and perpetrator of a stalking he had initiated upon himself.

After the police were presented with scrapbooks, photo logs and Richard's personal correspondence he was taken into custody and questioned before being released on bail minutes later and told to go home.

"Low and hard."

"When Mr. Richard arrived at the station we were of course distressed," claimed Chief Inspector Mark Grubber, "It's not often we see such an upstanding member of the showbiz community at our door but knowing how low and hard they fall we naturally took the confession seriously.  However, despite the overwhelming evidence provided by Mr. Richard against himself we were unable to charge the scumbag with anything and have let him off with a £6.5million fine and the condition he can stay free as long as he doesn't do it again."

With the comforting flash of the paparazzi in tow Cliff read a spontaneous speech he had written yesterday on his ordeal, "It's been a trying decade for me.  I've had plenty of chart records, public appearances and book deals but they just aren't enough anymore so I thought the most effective way to get myself some more exposure was with a stalker and who better to follow my every move than myself. I know him inside out and the convenience was a huge bonus.  I'm brilliant and wonderful and I just want the world to know it."

Cliff performing a miracle for
the Wimbledon spectators.

Guinness official Duncan Runk was called upon to officiate the story, "We've never seen an ego or a record attempt like this.  Mr. Richard is breaking every rule of accepted self admiration so much so that we can't help (and we tried) to give him anything less than the world record for the world's first self stalking, an award he will forever hold and never lose.  Hopefully this will put an end to his record breaking career and encourage him to give up public life and finally retire."

"We all laughed."

Cliff continued (as if he wouldn't), "I may be modest but I'm also great, just great.  It reminds me of the time I was doing something really great with all these well known celebrities and they thought I was great too because they couldn't possibly think otherwise and so I was there being great and just superb when something great happened but not great enough to take the attention away from myself and acted more of as a compliment to my presence when we all laughed, I sold another ten million records and I became even greater."

"We're being used," claimed the Press at Richard's press conference, "It feels horrible that this twisted ego is providing my children with dinner.  If something isn't done to curb this monster we could have another 'Millennium Prayer' incident on our hands and the country has only just recovered from the initial bout.  If he thinks he can get away with it this megalomaniac will soon be dishing out miracles, on every London street corner.  We need to get him and his calendars off the street and behind some sort of bars.  The fact that he isn't aware self-stalking is completely impossible and only remotely feasible in the case of a grudge laden split personality case then we shouldn't humour him."

Leslie Ash with her husband Neil
Morrissey before her accident.

Further anger came Cliff's way when he ignored Leslie Ash's protests that she herself had attempted the same stunt in 2003 after her Homebase contract had ended claiming, "The self stalk is a classic that I started years ago to get myself another series of Merseybeat after my surgical complications.  If anyone belongs in the record books it's me."

"I was stalking myself."

Guinness were looking into the allegations when Cliff returned to Scotland Yard with a possible grin across his face claiming to have been stalking his stalker in an act of revenge, "It started when I found out that I was stalking myself and instead of going to the proper authorities as I know to be right I took it upon myself to seek vengeance against the perpetrator by stalking him like some crazed but ethically sound vigilantly.  I know this makes me appear as some sort of Superman and you'd be right but I think it is time that this sordid affair is uncovered for the world to see.  I just want widely publicised justice."

Things got even more precarious when a supposed Cliff Richard lookalike named Harry Webb visited the same police station moments later claiming to be Richard's real stalker, "I've been following Cliff since his childhood days in India and I feel this man is a terrible egocentric and should be immediately admitted to a psychiatric hospital before he injures somebody."

Webb was later found belly up in the Thames and a warrant has been issued for Richard's arrest.  "It's been a trying but eventful day," continued Grubber, "We just hope that this case will be solved quickly and although we haven't charged anyone yet, Mr. Richard is being held under the spotlight until further evidence can surface to his innocence, guilt or mental stability."

9/11 Did Happen Claim Theorists

by Shaky Parkinson

Once again controversy and hearsay have arisen to question the events that shook the world when terrorists flew two big planes into New York's Twin Towers 134 months ago.  Conspiracy theorists have put finger to keyboard as a fresh batch of evidence has been released that they say will finally prove that 9/11 did actually happen.

Blogging sites have seen increased traffic as groups of pro 9/11 conspiracy theorists (but not in that way) claim that newly released eye witness reports and satellite imaging clearly show that the US Government wasn't stupid enough to destroy one if its crowning feats of engineering for the sake of a sense of fear they could've got by dressing up some cost effective extras in black suits and ear pieces and let them parade around your local neighbourhood.

"Cover up to hide."

"It's like we've been saying all along," stuttered Max Clink author of conspiracy blog Far Out, "There was definitely some kind of cover up to hide the truth that 9/11 actually occurred.  We've been campaigning for years and it finally looks like people are starting to notice."

Faked photos show a giant arrow
 to have caused the attack.

"What we're dealing with here is a massive event that cannot be properly understood," he continued, "The attack on the Twin Towers breaches a mental barrier of security that has until now retained a stern sense of stability.  It's going to take a decade of materialistic living to counteract these images.  We are only just coming to grips with what is happening and the initial reports aren't good."


"I remember where I was the day the towers fell," stated Old Man Drudge, "It was a Sunday or some such day and I had just gotten the mower out of the car hold when I saw a gaggle of geese flying by overhead.  Now I thought to myself that you don't see too many a gaggle anymore, seems to me like the geese are becoming a more hermitised bird.  It must've been '86 since I saw a pair of them together, maybe even '85 and being one of my favourite winged animals it struck me as a sad affair that only zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ."

(Eye witness report taken 12th September 2001)

Reports such as these are said to have caused the initial disbelief that lead to a vague sense of happening rather than clear evidence for a genuine terrorist attack.  Yet special analysts, forgers and experts have trawled through the masses of photographs, videos, interviews, videos and rubble to finally achieve what they are calling conclusive evidence.

"As far as I can make out this did happen," claimed one such expert Philip Patz, "There's doubt, like there is with everything, but I'd say this is an open and shut book and I'd go on record as saying that you'd be a fool to say 9/11 didn't happen and an even bigger one to joke about it."

Popular villain Smoke Face was
seen amongst the fires leading many
to believe a Hollywood film
was in production.

"Life is horrific."

Messages of acceptance, condolences and nonsense have been widespread with Katie Hulch of Kentucky having this to say, "The loss of life, it's horrific.  I didn't think it was even possible.  If it wasn't for these eye witness accounts and footage I may have gone another decade without believing 9/11 ever happened."

"It's a disgrace," claimed Sally Field (Yes that Sally Field), "Someone had to say to it."

"Our hearts go out to the people effected by this attack, even the Jews," claimed anti-Semitic preacher Caleb Funk.

One uncovered eye witness report from Manhattan resident Peter Gunk read, "I was there, I saw them towers fall and no matter how stoned I was that shit was real, you wanna know how?  'Cos I was inside them when it happened."

"People claim that."

Evidence was as far reaching as China, Madagascar and Ireland where Mrs. O'Toole of Cork proclaimed, "It's a dirty fecking business.  It wasn't until we saw it on the news that we realised it had actually happened.  These people claim that their Government were to blame and although they may be blameless and to blame it's clear that 9/11 did happen unlike the Holocaust which is clearly just a flight of fancy."

FAKE!!! Experts debunk widely
famous photo of a ciricle plan of death.

"We never claimed that 9/11 didn't happen," furthered Clink, "But we may have said some things that were untrue, hearsay or otherwise bollocks.  What we can all agree on is that this terrible event did take place and that from the start we knew this and can only hope to move on with our lives now that the tragedy can be labelled as nostalgic and pray that a commemorative lunch box is in the pipeline."

James Brown, "Never Felt Good"

by Brick Goodgame

The face of a broken man.

A never before seen documentary recently unearthed in the Polydor archives that charted the chart success of late feel good singer James Brown has finally made its way onto DVD.  In a never before seen candid interview the chocolate coloured fallen star discussed his addictions to sex, drugs and Fawlty Towers, and how excessive indulgence made him feel, "A bit shit," and "Untrue to his real urges."

"One hit, I feel good."

The footage that was filmed in 1989 by Bobby Ballweather, has sparked worldwide controversy amongst the 'Fat man with an obese voice' fans, or as Brown used to refer to them, 'His Sweet Brown Army', due to its revealing content in which Brown describes his number one hit 'I Feel Good' as, "A bloody shambles," "Bollocks," and "Nothing but a chubby lie," whilst also taking time to comment on the then economic downturn and health sector troubles.

The film's director Peter Cunt spoke about his fondness for the singer, "I only knew him for a brief time.  No more than a few hours, but in those few hours I think I was closer to him than anyone.  Our chairs were almost touching, it was an intimate session.  It shocked me to hear that James was in fact suffering with manic depression brought on by his feelings of unfulfilment at not having partied out his true dreams and that he never felt good.  Sad stuff."

"Better yourself!"

A Spokesperson for the Brown family told the Guff that, "James always wanted to be a politician but his singing got in the way.  It was always his dream to become the first black President of the USA but he felt he could better inspire people by singing about how to better yourself.  His cocaine benders, rampant sexual encounters and inexhaustible amounts of wealth and fame were the true cost of a soul who was truly committed to getting down.  Down to hard work in the aid of his fellow man."

'Getting Down In Brown Town: The Soul Searcher' premiers on BBC Four this Sunday at 10pm.  Ba dum bum bum bum bump bump bump.