Cyclist Crashes After Watching Road Collision

by Shaky Parkinson

29-year-old cyclist Ralph Wheel has been named as the third victim in the Oxford Ring Road pile up that took place on Thursday eve.  Eyewitness accounts say that Mr. Wheel was distracted by the nearby road collision that caused him to veer into a lamppost and severe his spinal cord.

"Bam.  He just hit that shit," articulated witness Paula Onlooker, "We heard a snap and that was that.  You can't blame him, it was a really good pile up."

Mr. Wheel's family are said to be distraught but after a good hug they released a statement saying that 'Although they are saddened by events there is no point dwelling on bad times so we've turned Ralph's bedroom into a games room slash sauna.  He did love saunas.'

Local artist Dominic Painter has been commissioned to create a memorial sculpture using the mangled frame of Mr. Wheel's bike.  "It'll be a harrowing depiction of a vicious fatality crossed with a new age Brazilian colour scheme," motioned Painter, "It will be called 'Spinal Rap' and will be my most linguistic piece yet."

Mr. Wheel wasn't the final victim of the crash.  A second Eye Witness wasn't quite so lucky when a ninth car entered the fray causing debris to spaz her in the face leaving her with permanent blindness and a further injury occurred at the nearby John Radcliffe Hospital when one Dr. Foster received an icky paper cut off the case file.

Thames Valley Police are urging bystanders to be, "Vigilant as to their position and to dismount any moving vehicle when observing any entertaining scenes.  We advise caution and in that respect only you can go wrong."

Even still the tragedy has deeply affected the community with the local Driving School contemplating a ten-minute silence and Mrs. Pat's Bakery doing a special remembrance bicycle shaped cookie for 30p.

"Unfortunately this sort of thing is on the rise," bustled Police Officer Reginald Halt, "This is the eighth accident in as many months and frankly I blame the lack of quality television.  We've had two deaths involving bus collisions, another enthusiast who crashed after catching sight of a Lance Armstrong cutout and one who simply rode off a ravine because of a Lidl billboard advertisement.  If we don't make the British roads a less interesting place to be then we are going to see more distraction induced deaths.

Mr. Wheel is being buried yesterday at the Hillside Grave n' Grill.