Man Wakes Up After 6,000 Year Coma

by Shaky Parkinson

Dennis with his flash agent
Flash. 

Accountant and part-time Reese Witherspoon lookalike Dennis Bradshaw has today woken up after being in a coma for 6,000 years.  Dennis slipped into a stressed induced comatose state after a nasty land debate with some fellow hunter gatherers in the early bronze age but came too this morning when his alarm was uncovered at a nearby archaeological dig.

"I suppose a land argument was pretty trivial but that's all we had back then, that and hairy copulation," enunciated Bradshaw, "This neighbour of mine Pete, we called him Pete 'cos it was short for Peter, had moved his fence a couple of feet into my garden.  The whole situation was absurd, there were several thousand acres of untouched countryside on the other side of his garden but he was just out for the spite.  I must seem like a simple soul arguing over such a stupid thing but it was a different time."

Scientists, Archaeologists and Descendants from around the world have been flown into Wiltshire General for a chance to speak with Dennis.  "This man is a miracle," claimed renowned gynaecologist Dr.  P. Ervy, "It is highly unusual for a patient in such a deep coma to wake up after such prolonged sleep."

"We're very excited," beamed Medical Scientist Doctor, Judith Tosh, "We're hoping that Dennis will be able to answer many of our questions such as, what is it like being in a coma, what was his best dream and what does he think of the iPad3.  I'm ecstatic."

"All this attention is very flattering," claimed Dennis, "I've been awake for twenty minutes and I've seen more people in the last ten minutes than I did in my entire life.  I've already skimmed through your history books and it is more or less perfectly accurate as far as I can remember.  Then again I was a heavy drinker and this is what lead to the break down of my union with Jennifer.  'Stop dragging mud into the roundhouse, no deer blood on the sheep carcasses', I mean is it any wonder I turned hit the liquor?  No mud in the roundhouse I tell you, there's mud everywhere, please tell me things are better now and it's all gone."

Bradshaw's residence, lying untouched
in the Swindon suburbs and
currently housing the
Wilshire Chicken Museum.

When asked what he thought of the modern world Dennis was eager to express his thoughts, "It's pretty much the same just a little more shiny and bizarre, frankly I'm not enjoying it very much.  Imagine waking up from the best sleep anyone has ever experienced to see a repeat of 'Cash In The Attic' starring back at you.  It nearly sent me back under."

After the press conference we spoke to Dennis' agent Tom Flash, "He's going to be big, massive, huge, enormous, like my vocabulary.  We've already signed a book deal that'll blow that Rowling bint out of the water and Dennis is already scheduled to take over from Judith Keppel on Eggheads.  I'm stunned with excitement, joy, happiness."

"I think it's a disgrace," screamed one Protester from their camp outside the hospital, "This is just another case of the Government giving another freeloader an easy ride.  He hasn't paid any tax since 4012 B.C. and going by inflation that amounts to nothing more than a gesture of goodwill and who has to front the bill for his medical costs.  Us and possibly mostly everyone else."

Alas the party didn't last too long as an unmonitored Bradshaw was able to asses the remote control and accidentally switched himself over to 'Sherlock' and was found seconds later banging his head repeatedly on the wall in a successful attempt at re-inducing his comatose state.

"It's a sad day for money," sobbed Flash, "He'll be forgotten but never missed."