Miracle Cow Pig Hybrid Cures World Pessimism

by Shaky Parkinson

Pow (Artist Impression)

Scientists at Oxford University have claimed that they have cured world hunger in the most miraculous and tasty way possible.  The sudden discovery of a new cow pig hybrid in the Dean's private garden is being hailed by all as the second coming.

"This event cannot be measured in any feasible terms and even the phrase 'Epic' is a woeful understatement," beamed University Professor Dungus Fluff, "After we'd carried out the preliminary scientific necessities such as measuring it and giving it a name we were quick to get 'Pow' onto the barbecue for the taste test.  Luckily we were holding the monthly staff party and it is just wandered out of the shrubbery, if this isn't proof to back up the existence of God then we might as well quit now."

"We'll be able to cure."

"If you think you've tasted heaven then be prepared to question your beliefs because this shit is the bomb," slobbered Humanitarian Professor Charlie Eats, "It tastes like steak, pork, gammon and ribs all in one incredible mouthful with a bacony aftertaste that carries you through until the next bite.  They even have inbuilt suicidal tendencies and an innate ugliness that lends them easy butchering.  And it doesn't stop there; these fuckers just keep jumping out of the bushes so we're pretty confident that we'll be able to cure world hunger in a matter of weeks.  What a fucking win!"

Priests of all religions were quick to praise the miracle with the Pope declaring, "God has risen again and this time his followers will be so full of belief the world will soon be plunged into a tasty universal enlightenment."

Miracle garden.

"God works in mysterious ways," munched Archbishop Anders Plaff, "And if he sees fit to return to earth in the form of a cow pig chicken amalgamation thing who are we to question his designs?"

"Out of one fucking."

As is the human races usual want conflict was quick to muster with thousands of television chefs coming together to protest the miracle.  "This will fucking ruin us," fumed Gordon Ramsey, "How many recipes do you think we can milk out of one fucking animal especially when it tastes so fucking excellent?  This could be the end to contemporary food as we know it.  Think about Heston what the hell is that fucker going to do now people's diets will be so satisfyingly limited, there's only so much you can do with herpes cream."

Oxford University were quick to ease the situation by saying that a recipe book arrived stuck to one of the cows that featured over seventeen million different recipes for the new creature that swiftly killed the protest until the Vegetarians got wind of the story and began marching feebly on London."

The Government was quick to dispel the protests with impromptu feeding stations that were able to turn the most dedicated Vegetarians against their beliefs in acceptance of the one true Pow.  A breakaway sect of Vegetarianism merged with some renegade Vegans in a desperate bid to combat the change but with farmer's now on a well-deserved permanent vacation it is thought that the rebellion will soon die out.  "With all the chicken's being freed and the Vegan's limited berry knowledge and unsuitability to apple theft we are pretty confident they'll come to accept the new world in time," claimed Old McDonald.

"Hitting the village for a rape."

Warlord E. Vilevil celebrating
the coming of the Pow.

"Now that we have all the food we want I'm just a bit too full to indulge my blood lust," claimed African Warlord E. Vilevil, "The lads are happy so we're going to shelve the guns and catch up on Desperate Housewives instead of hitting the village for a rape."

Questions as to the creatures origin were being asked by the strongest atheists the Internet had to offer so News Guff gave the benefit of the doubt to Particle Physicist Edmund Spat of Cambridge University, "What we have here is an inter-dimensional tear in the space time continuum that is seeing an alien race being transported through time and space into the Dean's garden at Oxford University.  For all we know we're munching our way through the population of Venus without a care for the consequences.  With this theory I think we can adequately dispel the ludicrous notion of miracles.  Next they'll be saying that those dogs over at Oxford are the saviours of the world."

"Spat was unable."

With the complete global dynamic in change for the better, Oxford University is being hailed as the Saviour of the World and its entire faculty is being honoured with knighthoods for services to peace and prosperity.  When asked for a second quote Spat was unable for comment, although the Cambridgeshire Police claim to have seen a man of similar description lying under a thunder struck piano in Cambridge City Centre with the word 'Coincidence' written on his T-Shirt.

When asked for a quote to sum up today's events God had this to say, "If this doesn't get the idea across then I'm heading off to Fiji for an early retirement."

Either way this period of global unity is set to continue into the next millennium or to the point when Pow's are eaten into extinction but seeing as that is an uncertainty the world is enjoying its longest period of peace in like forever.

Local Radio Finally Deemed Useless

by Shaky Parkinson

The BBC have announced they plan to cut all funding to local radio after an internal report has dubbed it "Useless".  It is thought that abolishing local radio could be the saviour to the BBC's lavish spending.

"We're in a state," claimed Director General George Entwistle, "What with Doctor Who, excessive waste and my new bathroom to pay for we just cannot rely on the License Fee anymore.  We need more cash and it seems axing local radio is a sure fire way to unsure we can fund another series of Strictly Come Dancing."

The report delved deeply into the BBC's biggest expenditures and when crossed referenced with a second report into the corporation's most boring and expendable assets, local radio came out as the largest target.

"Everyone will agree."

"We've always known it's utterly pants," continued Entwistle, "Deep down I think everyone will agree.  Crop formations in Norwich, swimming pool closures in Lincoln, is this really what people want?  Is it bollocks, it is what cynical dullards want, normal morons want another series of The Voice and we're going to give it to them."

Backlash was swift and unobtrusive with numerous walkouts going unnoticed across the North East.  "We are a highly valued and loved broadcast," claimed Damphrey Spludge of weekly Doncaster gardening program Tickhill Tilling, "We have a ten strong fan base and the BBC should not be so quick to dismiss them."

"Think of the children?" cited Lemington mother Carly Clump, "How am I supposed to know if my daughter's school is closed during the winter? I doubt the coverage will be as comprehensive if the job goes national."

"Thumbs down Benny's Bottom."

Ben Bennington was quick to voice his outrage with a morning moan on his Swindon based radio show Benny's Breakfast Burp.  "The people need us, the people love us and you can be sure as ship that I'm not going back to hospital radio after this.  I'm making a real difference.  We cannot compete with mass genocide and global recession but the Wiltshire Downs can yield their fair share of air rescue stories.  These cuts get a thumbs down Benny's Bottom of ten."

Many organisations have protested the cuts such as Mickey Rourke (No not that Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler one) of former secret society D.E.A.T.H. (Dude's Expecting A Tenth Hell), "Entwistle has no idea about the potential disaster he is unleashing onto our streets.  With local radio gone these Deejays will be let loose on hospitals, street corners and low-rent social clubs and who knows what chaos they will unleash.  THE WAR IS COMING!!!"

Commercial radio stations such as Oxfordshire's Jack FM were quick to be praised for their superior content.  "Thank fuck someone has finally levelled some budget cuts their way," they commented, "It makes you sick to see over funded and over produced shows put together sub-standard output. It might make competition easier with them gone but it doesn't fill anyone with enthusiasm for the medium.  Here at Jack we give people apposite output that they will enjoy.  The general public don't want stories about sheep farming they want Phil Collins and Duran Duran."

"Local radio is a thing of the past," concluded Entwistle, "In this climate of streamlining and recession there is no place for rubbish except on our flagship channels."

London 2012 Logo Finally Deciphered

Local mini cab driver Abdul Shabesh will go down in history today as being the first man to decipher the London 2012 Olympic Logo.  When an unmarked envelope arrived at Wolff Olins brand consultancy in May 2007 the enclosed illustration was seen as a solution to deadline problems and creative blockage and has since caused global speculation as to its true origin.

While catching up on some 'me' time it seems Mr. Shabesh accidentally stumbled upon the answer to the enigma that has had the entire globe confused and angry.  "I was sat in the taxi rank outside Paddington waiting for the Saturday night dregs to puke themselves onto the street when I looked down at the sports section and saw it staring back at me," he claimed at a press conference earlier this afternoon, "Once I'd seen it the pieces clicked together to read '2012'.  I was shocked but if you look really really really really hard you'll just about be able to see it."

"Someone cracked."

Shabesh's discovery has instantly sent ripples through the academic world landing many intuitions in hot water, notably Keble College's Dr. Anthony Plank who has come under strong criticism after his fifty million pound study into the logo was made instantly redundant by Shabesh and his broken mini cab tail light.  "He got lucky," blagged Plank, "The foundations were well in place and it was only a matter of time before someone cracked the Olympic Code."

Conspiracy Theorists were unhappy.  John Crunge of information network S.P.O.C.K (Silent Persons Of Credible ilK) was quick to denounce Shabesh and his findings, "This is clearly a cover up by the IOC.  Are we seriously to believe that a West London mini cab driver is cleverer than the boffins at every university on the planet?  This whole 2012 excuse is flawed at best.  The logo resembles something far more abstract and confusing than a few numbers, and once the truth is revealed the world will quake beneath its own feet."

Shabesh's epiphany stop.

Shabesh's discovery hit the world in more ways than one when a public information leaflet explaining his discovery quickly became the nations best seller and histories most sort after pamphlet.  The literary world was also eager to tap Shabesh's celebrity status as Dan Brown emerged with a statement claiming that Shabesh will be helping him co-write the next Robert Langdon outing entitled 'Oi Limp 'Ere'.  "The book will be set in the historical East End of London," claimed Brown, "The plot will follow Langdon as he navigates the shallow depths of the Docklands Light Railway in search of a mystical cult called the Olympian's after one of its members kills a good friend of his only minutes before he is due to give a seminar in nearby King's College.  It's gonna be lucrative."

"Filthy image."

Despite wide spread shock and adulation there has been much discontent levelled at Shabesh and his logo.  "I've had to see this filthy image everyday for years and it's still a pile of shite," cited commoner Joe Bloggs, "Now that the truth is out I'm even angrier.  This Shabesh chappy should have kept his mouth shut.  We're already running 100% over budget at $28billion so I didn't really need to know that this £400,000 logo wasn't a secret code to hidden treasure gifted to us by aliens but a snatch and grab by a greasy consultancy firm.  At least you could ignore the magic, but this is hideous."

Whatever the response, ticket sales and anticipation for this months games are as misguided as ever with extended gasps of excitement being heard throughout the city in the run up to the opening ceremony on 27th July.