"It's Not Our Fault Today's Youth Are Useless."

by Shaky Parkinson

Tired Deputy PM Nick Clegg
"I have a gun in my pocket,
it's that easy."

The Government has once again been beaten into a corner after trying to teach young people the trait of responsibility after work experience sanctions were today dropped amid vicious attack.  A number of charities and business' decided to take the misguided moral high ground by claiming the proposed scheme to get people into work was nothing but 'Unpaid Labour'.

"It's not our fault that Today's Youth are useless.  It's yesterday's Government," chuckled Prime Minister David Cameron, "There are jobs everywhere, EVERYWHERE!  If employers cannot find suitable people to employ don't you think that hints towards a youth that are simply useless?  This is just a step up program, which has yet to be criticised for its success.  Wouldn't you rather have out of work people earning their benefits as opposed to clogging up the servers of my Xbox Live?"

Despite the Government's best efforts to do anything, criticism has once again reared its nosey face to have a whinge and put across its own personal and superior argument.  "It's disgraceful," claimed Greggs CEO George Pasty, "We won't participate in a scheme where people aren't paid, although we're happy to announce ten new branches to be opening nationally next week."

"They aren't working for free, we keep giving them loads of money.  We don't have to but we do, so a bit of gratitude on their part is much appreciated," continued the PM, "Besides, there are some that actually enjoy being in a working environment, just because they aren't getting paid doesn't mean shit.  I think 8 weeks of reasonably gentle stock adjusting is a good trade for six years of financial freedom."

Some very passive and levelheaded
man who opposes the stuff.

"Any employer that would willingly accept free labour are scumbags," claimed mother Kathy Bates (Not that one), "Why can't all these huge and no doubt financially stable business' pay for my daughter to mess up their shops.  It's scum and a disgrace."

The PM tried again, "There isn't even any obligation for benefit claimers to participate in the first place and now if they display a lack of discipline they are fucking rewarded.  You do understand this lack of motivation and knowledge that the state will pay for your 367inch plasma screens is what caused us to instigate the scheme in the first place.  If that's what you want then bring on the Zombie Nation but don't expect anything with as lasting quality as Kernkraft 400."

"Frankly I think the scheme is horrid," cited local business owner Deborah Twat, "I like my young staff to be fully paid and inept.  Anything else is just a mockery to the system."

Cake!

"You whinge about people mooching off the state so we try and change it and what do you fucktards do, you fucking whinge.  If you want to bring about self destruction we've got a lot of nukes stored up, it'll only take a few minutes to bring about our total ruin, or is that too long?"

The debate is set to continue as they always do and News Guff is proud to vacate the frontline in favour of a doughnut break and Emmerdale.

Oxford Tube Slower Than Hair Growth

by Shaky Parkinson

Passengers aboard Saturday evenings Oxford Tube were shocked when their simple trundle down the M40 turned into a two and a half hour slugfest with time.  After leaving Gloucester Green it seems the bus entered a strange time warp only to materialise hours later outside Victoria Coach Station.

"I'm bewildered," claimed coach driver Reg, "I just don't know what happened, maybe it always takes this long.  Frankly I blame the traffic and possibly that cunt who was smoking in the toilet."

Passenger Shaky Parkinson had this too say, "No comment, I don't want to be pegged as a whiny prick but frankly I could've thought myself there quicker."

Other passengers were less than quiet, "I've just lost an extra hour of my life and for what?  As far as I can make out nothing," screamed Emily Wood of Botley, "It's all this congestion stuff, it took us thirty-five minutes to get from Notting Hill Gate to Victoria.  That's not progress its bollocks."

"I think we can safely explain the phenomenon away with simple applied theory," cited one pent up Oxford Lecturer, "You see if we factor in to account the number of passengers insisting on using the smaller stops only reserved for the people that couldn't be bothered to walk to the bus station and the fact that it took over thirty minutes to hit Thornhill Park and Ride it is plainly evident where those lost minutes went.  It was either that or aliens.  It's anyone's guess but either way it's balls."

Upon arriving at Victoria station a small procession was held and driver Reg Reginald was awarded with a medal for his strength in the face of congestion and for helping the passengers to their destination safely.

"His chorus of 'The Wheels On The Bus' was a serious moral booster," claimed Emily, "That and the way he dealt with the wanker who was smoking in the toilet kept us all going.

The unexplained phenomenon is set to put an investigation into the works but initial findings are proving difficult, as Transport for London and Oxfordshire Council are unsure where to lay the blame for such a painstakingly slow journey.

"Trains Exist," Claim Man

by Shaky Parkinson

A London Theologist has today claimed that 'Trains do actually exist'.  The claim comes amid a trying week for Network Rail after rumours of their death circulated on the Internet earlier this month. This coupled with an increasing disbelief in the entire rail network and increasingly bare platforms have lead passengers to accept the complete non-existence of trains as an entity.

Today's announcement will come as relief to millions of commuters and trainspotter's alike as church's have been inundated with requests to God asking for their recreation.  "I remember when trains existed," cited one Old Thing, "They were a marvel of the 21st century and their death left a hole in my heart as big as catheter bag."

"I love trains," claimed this other Wooly Hat and Flask, "They are great and after the funeral we thought this day would never come.  I'm getting a new notepad especially."

The Theologist who would rather not be named as he is dull and boring did have this to say, "I may be dull and boring but being able to prove the existence of trains is a career defining moment."

He went onto rant, "I chose theology as a back door into Oxford and when I got their my ideas were already being cornered and stamped on.  I found a niche in trains and it's a niche that has served me well."

Oct' 2008 - The day the train died.

Despite the evidence it seems not everyone is being won over by the claims, "It's all a load of hokum," winged some Miserable Blighter, "This theologian man person is obviously a crackpot that has been smoking too much wacky backy.  We all know that trains don't exist and may never have existed outside of 1987.  This is clearly a case of conspiracy theory gone mad.  Hokum I say."

When pressured for a response Mr. Boffin had this to say, "My research and theories prove that trains exist.  Think about it?  Go on, think about.  Thousands of people go missing from stations every day only to reappear hundreds of miles away and frankly if that isn't enough then the CCTV footage I have would clearly back me up."

"My investigations show some elongated steam engine contraption appearing on a number of occasions throughout the countries rail stations.  You cannot refute the evidence not to mention the eye witness testimony's.  They cannot cover this one up, we will not be silenced like we were when trains were thought to be dead.  I'm outraged.  Trains exist and if that isn't cause for celebration I don't know what is."

Amidst the confusion News Guff was able to gather a few bemused looks from its readers and it is hoped that after the publication of something or other then the book or even the door will be closed on this case, or carriage.

Whitney Houston's Death Boycotted By Thousands Of Stockroom Workers

by Shaky Parkinson

The announcement of Whitney Houston's death has caused a mass strike by stockroom staff and sales assistants throughout the country's music shops and record distributors.  The initial reasoning for the walkout is being blamed on the general public's inability to decide upon their preferences and tastes while simultaneously being stupid.

"If you liked Whitney Houston why didn't you support her music while she was living?" fumed John Box, a stockroom controller at Sony Music Distribution, "This happens every fucking time.  It's like these walking shit machines need their two minute dose of empathy to make them justify their selfish existence's and we're the ones that have to deal with it.  But not anymore."

The mass walkout is said to continue up until Whitney's burial sometime next month.  The effects of which mean that no one will be able to spend their money on any Whitney Houston CD's and further the profit machine people are so keen to abuse and ridicule whenever possible.

The results of a mini riot in
HMV Stockport.

"This has nothing to do with us," continued Box, "For once we are going to celebrate an artists death in an alternative manner and that is with silence.  We've just gotten over Etta James and now this shit.  We're done.  How would you like it if I sent three thousand copies of 'The Bodyguard' soundtrack to your door followed by several hundred morons who couldn't name you the title track?  You'd be pissed wouldn't you?  Fucker's I bet their already working on a movie biopic."

The Whitney drought has caused available CD stock to hit all time highs with copies of 'My Love Is Your Love' being sold on ebay for as much as £2million while the dormant reprints that are due to be scaled out on mass have been placed under armed guard after a three man raid in a Warwick TNT storage facility left seven dead.

Beginner's Luck Fundamental In Winning Euromillions

by Shaky Parkinson

Have you ever dreamt of being rich?  Of course you have.  But unlike Cassey Carrington and Matt (no 'hew') Topham you won't be winning a £45million Euromillions Jackpot because you've been playing it far too often.

After receiving a 'Lucky bonus' at work Cassey was in the throws of jubilation when she purchased her sixth Euromillions ticket before coming up trumps and winning Tuesday's motherload.  "I think it definitely helped being new to the idea of random number selection," stated Cassey in a press interview, "If I'd gotten bogged down in the numbers game there's no way I'd have won.  Now I can buy a boat and get sea sick."

It appears that the increasing number of undeserving players winning the jackpot is leading strategists to recommend abandoning the game after your tenth play.  We harassed Dr. Painswick of Lancashire University, "We've calculated that beginner's luck can only last for a maximum of ten Euromillion plays. After that you become just another player and cannot benefit from a fluke victory as your fellow player is no longer able to bestow you with anger or jealousy at your win.  I've been playing from the start and I've won jack shit.  I wish I'd spent more years doing my research than watching the lottery results, then maybe I wouldn't be in this boring mess."

"I had a feeling I was going to win," continued the flukester Cassey, "I know everyone says that but statistically I'm right, that's why I'm going to use part of the money to train my mental abilities.  To be honest I'm chuffed to pieces."

Balls.

Husband to be Matt couldn't contain his excitement or spending plans, "First I want to buy a jet, then another one because that's how you have to do it.  Then maybe a few cars, a mansion and then pursue my music or something and I've got to get me a copy of Battlefield 3, that shit is whack.  No lies, I'm the luckiest man on the fucking planet."

He continued, "I think it's all about chance.  I don't even know what a Eurothingy is but I'm not complaining.  I'm in love, rich and can finally free my facial hair from ridicule."

The fluke victory comes just three weeks after some other people from the UK also won the jackpot thus backing up the theory propagated in this piece.  "Now that the Euromillions is effectively pointless," cited Dr. Painswick, "We'll have to come up with something else to take its place.  I'm thinking about an elaborate skill based numbers guessing game that only rewards players who have poured tears into the game.  Almost like a Mortgage or a savings account.  No matter what, we have to curb this filthy habit of undeserving gamers winning my money."

Eurozone Head Out West

by Jack 'The Mac' Mack

 

Eurozone crisis talks were interrupted this week for what was described as a "make or break" trip to Las Vegas. 

 

News Guff caught up with Greece President Dr. Karolos Papoulias in Caesar's Palace, "Basically we had no choice," said the visibly perspiring premier, "Germany isn't keen to help, China offers support but no cash so we decided to give it a last shot. I've cashed in what little money the country has left, let the chips fall where they may. Literally, in this case. I'm not worried, as worrying would imply I can lose. Blackjack has been my game for years, I'm wearing my lucky pants, I've said a prayer and I haven't walked under a ladder. I even found a penny this morning, the winning streak has got to continue." 

 

Dismissed as a desperate gamble by some the move was praised by the US Treasurery. A Spokesman said; "Its putting money back into the US economy and although it may seem reckless we have been assured the Europeans are not relying on luck alone. They are all big sports fans and will play the odds like pros. I've been told the Deputy President is on roulette and the Foreign Minister is playing poker. Who says a crisis can't be fun?"

Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti was unavailable for comment as he was yelling; "Run you stupid nag!" at a TV. Spirits were raised when he punched the minister without portfolio, claiming his bad luck was catching and went on to win $1,000.

Cyclist Crashes After Watching Road Collision

by Shaky Parkinson

29-year-old cyclist Ralph Wheel has been named as the third victim in the Oxford Ring Road pile up that took place on Thursday eve.  Eyewitness accounts say that Mr. Wheel was distracted by the nearby road collision that caused him to veer into a lamppost and severe his spinal cord.

"Bam.  He just hit that shit," articulated witness Paula Onlooker, "We heard a snap and that was that.  You can't blame him, it was a really good pile up."

Mr. Wheel's family are said to be distraught but after a good hug they released a statement saying that 'Although they are saddened by events there is no point dwelling on bad times so we've turned Ralph's bedroom into a games room slash sauna.  He did love saunas.'

Local artist Dominic Painter has been commissioned to create a memorial sculpture using the mangled frame of Mr. Wheel's bike.  "It'll be a harrowing depiction of a vicious fatality crossed with a new age Brazilian colour scheme," motioned Painter, "It will be called 'Spinal Rap' and will be my most linguistic piece yet."

Mr. Wheel wasn't the final victim of the crash.  A second Eye Witness wasn't quite so lucky when a ninth car entered the fray causing debris to spaz her in the face leaving her with permanent blindness and a further injury occurred at the nearby John Radcliffe Hospital when one Dr. Foster received an icky paper cut off the case file.

Thames Valley Police are urging bystanders to be, "Vigilant as to their position and to dismount any moving vehicle when observing any entertaining scenes.  We advise caution and in that respect only you can go wrong."

Even still the tragedy has deeply affected the community with the local Driving School contemplating a ten-minute silence and Mrs. Pat's Bakery doing a special remembrance bicycle shaped cookie for 30p.

"Unfortunately this sort of thing is on the rise," bustled Police Officer Reginald Halt, "This is the eighth accident in as many months and frankly I blame the lack of quality television.  We've had two deaths involving bus collisions, another enthusiast who crashed after catching sight of a Lance Armstrong cutout and one who simply rode off a ravine because of a Lidl billboard advertisement.  If we don't make the British roads a less interesting place to be then we are going to see more distraction induced deaths.

Mr. Wheel is being buried yesterday at the Hillside Grave n' Grill.