Investigation After More Tosser's Win The Lottery

by Shaky Parkinson

Tosser's

An investigation by Scotland Yard has been set into motion after another lottery victor turns out to be a tosser.  George Keates, a 77 year-old great grandfather became a millionaire on Wednesday after purchasing his tenth Lotto ticket.  Despite a life of hardship with Mr. Keates being made redundant from three different jobs Mr. and Mrs. Keates plan to spend their money wisely with a new home, car and holiday.

However the shock announcement has caught the attention of Scotland Yard who have been monitoring the activity of The Lottery winners since a teenager found a winning ticket underneath a cum stained pizza box after his mother yelled at him to tidy his room.  Coupled with the fourth UK Euromillions winner in as many months the police are on high alert and plan to "Take down this sordid affair".

"It's really not on," claimed Detective Inspector Pete Ramble, "We've built up a society where tosser's are systematically forced to its fringes and then these people come along out of nowhere and are given millions of pounds as reward for nothing.  It makes a mockery of life and it's painfully unfair."

He continued, "As of yet we have no conclusive evidence that these tosser's are doing anything illegal.  On the surface it seems like they re just purchasing tickets and winning big but frankly that doesn't sound right."

Lottery expert and statistic professor William Shankly commented, "This is all a wild herring chase and there is no reason to believe anything untoward is going on.  By my research it is safe to say that 99% of all lottery winners and indeed players are tosser's.  It's just a numbers game."

Either way the witch-hunt has been put into motion with thousands of irate players ringing into their local police stations to complain about the tosser's.  "This guy's had it so bad has he," cited one Callee, "At least he had three jobs, I'm fresh out of university and frankly I'm fucked.  If I'd known I'd never get to use my degree I'd have stayed at blockbusters, shit I could've been running it by now.  This dude bought ten fucking tickets.  I've been doing this shit since day one and I've only won a tenner.  I'm sick of all these tosser's winning the Lottery."

The Tosser Enquiry is set to present its findings later this month and Scotland Yard's proposed ban on any Lottery based events have been denied, so until that date it is safe to say that tossers will be winning the Lottery all over the place.  Yet the nation will be waiting to see the outcome of the investigation to see if it is just coincidence that tosser's keep winning the Lottery or not.

Beginner's Luck Fundamental In Winning Euromillions

by Shaky Parkinson

Have you ever dreamt of being rich?  Of course you have.  But unlike Cassey Carrington and Matt (no 'hew') Topham you won't be winning a £45million Euromillions Jackpot because you've been playing it far too often.

After receiving a 'Lucky bonus' at work Cassey was in the throws of jubilation when she purchased her sixth Euromillions ticket before coming up trumps and winning Tuesday's motherload.  "I think it definitely helped being new to the idea of random number selection," stated Cassey in a press interview, "If I'd gotten bogged down in the numbers game there's no way I'd have won.  Now I can buy a boat and get sea sick."

It appears that the increasing number of undeserving players winning the jackpot is leading strategists to recommend abandoning the game after your tenth play.  We harassed Dr. Painswick of Lancashire University, "We've calculated that beginner's luck can only last for a maximum of ten Euromillion plays. After that you become just another player and cannot benefit from a fluke victory as your fellow player is no longer able to bestow you with anger or jealousy at your win.  I've been playing from the start and I've won jack shit.  I wish I'd spent more years doing my research than watching the lottery results, then maybe I wouldn't be in this boring mess."

"I had a feeling I was going to win," continued the flukester Cassey, "I know everyone says that but statistically I'm right, that's why I'm going to use part of the money to train my mental abilities.  To be honest I'm chuffed to pieces."

Balls.

Husband to be Matt couldn't contain his excitement or spending plans, "First I want to buy a jet, then another one because that's how you have to do it.  Then maybe a few cars, a mansion and then pursue my music or something and I've got to get me a copy of Battlefield 3, that shit is whack.  No lies, I'm the luckiest man on the fucking planet."

He continued, "I think it's all about chance.  I don't even know what a Eurothingy is but I'm not complaining.  I'm in love, rich and can finally free my facial hair from ridicule."

The fluke victory comes just three weeks after some other people from the UK also won the jackpot thus backing up the theory propagated in this piece.  "Now that the Euromillions is effectively pointless," cited Dr. Painswick, "We'll have to come up with something else to take its place.  I'm thinking about an elaborate skill based numbers guessing game that only rewards players who have poured tears into the game.  Almost like a Mortgage or a savings account.  No matter what, we have to curb this filthy habit of undeserving gamers winning my money."