ELVIS LIVES!!! ;ku;kjn;iukh HE LIVES!!! ROCK AND Rjbkafbaowugkfwakf Get him out of here. Dammit Douglas! I thought you were covering security. For fuck's sake what's all this? It's not going to print is it? What's that little microphone thing flashing for? Someone get Goodgame in here. Jesus Robbins what is it now? Delivery for you. rufflflflflflflflfe. About bloody time do you know how long I've been waiting for these cue tips? I haven't broken a century since Christmas. What's up chief? My fist in your ego if you can't fix this computer. It keeps writing everything I say and I can't make it stop. Look it's doing it now. No problem I've got it sorted. Good 'cos I've got a lunch date with the bloody press complaints commission, apparently we've breached standards again. Fuck knows why. Have you fixed it? I reckon so, hopefully this'll sort things out. Just hit okay. Shouldn't that be cancel? No it's one of those backwards ones. Good I'm going out make sure this is sorted by the time I get back and whatever you do make sure it doesn't go live. Righto Chief. Let's just okay this and see wh...
Wednesday, 26 June 2013
Friday, 14 June 2013
Tennant And Osbourne To Duel
by Shaky Parkinson
Flagship BBC program The One Show was forced off the air this evening when an argument broke out between Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osbourne and Royal Shakespeare Company operative David Tennant. As is their want the BBC have already apologised for the incident but the fight seems fit to continue as the pair don swords in a duel to be held at dawn.
"Financial grants to cows."
The conflict arose moments after the Chancellor ended his discussion about the Coalition's latest environmental scheme to reduce Britain's CO2 emissions by awarding financial grants to cows if they cease flatulating.
Despite staff claiming that the Chancellor 'Appeared stressed' and was 'Looking very pale' he openly discussed the scheme as well as claims about back bench opposition to the proposal, "The scheme is a doozy. Really top notch thinking, and we've got our best guys on it. Clegg, Cable, the whole team and the MP's who are opposing this strategy need to think in the long term if Britain is going to help combat global warming. People elected us so we would resolve the economic problems left to us by the previous government but we've gone one step further by altering every facet of daily life in our bid to assist the nation."
Further observations that the Chancellor looked 'Vacant and emotionally ignorant' failed to dampen his spirits as he left the studio during the broadcasting of a Springwatch 2013 segment to join fellow guest David Tennant in the green room where minutes later raised voices were heard. Eventually the banging and smashes alerted security who broke into the barricaded room to find the couple rough housing amongst a pile of empty Celebration Wrappers.
"Backwell back in 2008."
"We got them apart as quickly as we could," commented Security Officer Mick James, "But they were at each others throats. Galaxy Truffle this and see you on the battlefield that. I haven't dealt with anything this nasty since Len Goodman and Bruce Forsyth threw down over a cherry bakewell back in 2008."
"The pair were flustered," claimed presenter Matt Baker, "And we just want to apologise to our viewer for the incident. Thanks to my Blue Peter first aid training I was able to treat David's bruised ego and the Chancellor's ever reddening cheek before matters got out of hand."
Although staff were unable to discover a cause for the hostilities Tennant was eager to protest his innocence as the pair were calmly lead from Broadcasting House, """I'M INNOCENT!!! DOTH NOT THE EYE SEETH TRUTH IN ME??? HISS HISS HISS!!!""" while a more animated Osbourne was furious at the incident, "Boys will be boys and this is nothing more than a bit of light improv that got out of hand. Still no matter how the delivery a challenge is a challenge," but when asked to elaborate neither party could offer any further explanation although runner Claire Hutching witnessed the argument from outside the green room.
"I couldn't hear much through the overacting," she claimed, "But it seemed that there was a dispute about chocolate, which was followed by a lot of swearing and things being thrown around before I distinctly heard the word 'duel' and 'twat' being repeated a number of times.
This comment was later confirmed when Tennant released a press statement claiming, """GEORGE OSBOURNE IS NO MORE A SNOB THAN I AM A THESPIAN!!! AND WE SHALL BE DUELLING TO THE DEATH COME DAYBREAK!!!""" Downing Street also delivered a similar announcement that stated 'Chancellor Osbourne has accepted the challenge of a duel and will comply with all the requisite procedures required in its undertaking'.
"Duels are to be fought."
Parliamentary tradition dictates that all duels are to be fought at first light upon the waters of the river Thames overlooking the Houses of Parliament and in good faith the palace has offered the royal duelling barge to act as the customary vessel.
What with Osbourne's 2nd grade fencing award from Magdalen College and Tennant's extensive use of stage props bookies are saying that a Tennant death would prove unfavourable as would an Osbourne win and are therefore refusing to give odds on either opponent but wish both the combatants unanimous condolences.
BBC will be broadcasting the event from 4.30am with kick off at 5.08 after opening coverage from Adrian Chiles and Sue Barker. You can also follow the proceedings on twitter at #twatfight.
"Financial grants to cows."
The conflict arose moments after the Chancellor ended his discussion about the Coalition's latest environmental scheme to reduce Britain's CO2 emissions by awarding financial grants to cows if they cease flatulating.
Despite staff claiming that the Chancellor 'Appeared stressed' and was 'Looking very pale' he openly discussed the scheme as well as claims about back bench opposition to the proposal, "The scheme is a doozy. Really top notch thinking, and we've got our best guys on it. Clegg, Cable, the whole team and the MP's who are opposing this strategy need to think in the long term if Britain is going to help combat global warming. People elected us so we would resolve the economic problems left to us by the previous government but we've gone one step further by altering every facet of daily life in our bid to assist the nation."
Further observations that the Chancellor looked 'Vacant and emotionally ignorant' failed to dampen his spirits as he left the studio during the broadcasting of a Springwatch 2013 segment to join fellow guest David Tennant in the green room where minutes later raised voices were heard. Eventually the banging and smashes alerted security who broke into the barricaded room to find the couple rough housing amongst a pile of empty Celebration Wrappers.
 |
| Tennant moments before the fight. |
"Backwell back in 2008."
"We got them apart as quickly as we could," commented Security Officer Mick James, "But they were at each others throats. Galaxy Truffle this and see you on the battlefield that. I haven't dealt with anything this nasty since Len Goodman and Bruce Forsyth threw down over a cherry bakewell back in 2008."
"The pair were flustered," claimed presenter Matt Baker, "And we just want to apologise to our viewer for the incident. Thanks to my Blue Peter first aid training I was able to treat David's bruised ego and the Chancellor's ever reddening cheek before matters got out of hand."
Although staff were unable to discover a cause for the hostilities Tennant was eager to protest his innocence as the pair were calmly lead from Broadcasting House, """I'M INNOCENT!!! DOTH NOT THE EYE SEETH TRUTH IN ME??? HISS HISS HISS!!!""" while a more animated Osbourne was furious at the incident, "Boys will be boys and this is nothing more than a bit of light improv that got out of hand. Still no matter how the delivery a challenge is a challenge," but when asked to elaborate neither party could offer any further explanation although runner Claire Hutching witnessed the argument from outside the green room.
"I couldn't hear much through the overacting," she claimed, "But it seemed that there was a dispute about chocolate, which was followed by a lot of swearing and things being thrown around before I distinctly heard the word 'duel' and 'twat' being repeated a number of times.
 |
| Osbourne's duelling gonks. |
"Duels are to be fought."
Parliamentary tradition dictates that all duels are to be fought at first light upon the waters of the river Thames overlooking the Houses of Parliament and in good faith the palace has offered the royal duelling barge to act as the customary vessel.
 |
| Royal duelling barge. |
BBC will be broadcasting the event from 4.30am with kick off at 5.08 after opening coverage from Adrian Chiles and Sue Barker. You can also follow the proceedings on twitter at #twatfight.
Friday, 7 June 2013
Limb Found In Sussex
by Shaky Parkinson
An arm belonging to a fifty year old African American male was found outside the Pup and Smut on market street, Eppington yesterday evening. Police are asking the owner to come and collect the limb within the next thirty days or it will be sold at auction.
"It's starting to pong," claimed Constable Brian Blunt of the Eppington Constabulary, "And what with the recent genocide clogging up our evidence room we'd prefer it if the limb was collected sooner rather than later."
This isn't the first instance of missing body parts being found in the area, with two sandalled feet showing up outside Aldi last spring and a rogue torsoe causing confusion during the town's Christmas pageant it is hoped that this isn't the beginning of a trend.
The public can contact the police by telephone.
 |
| Pup and Smut pub, Eppington. |
"It's starting to pong," claimed Constable Brian Blunt of the Eppington Constabulary, "And what with the recent genocide clogging up our evidence room we'd prefer it if the limb was collected sooner rather than later."
This isn't the first instance of missing body parts being found in the area, with two sandalled feet showing up outside Aldi last spring and a rogue torsoe causing confusion during the town's Christmas pageant it is hoped that this isn't the beginning of a trend.
The public can contact the police by telephone.
Friday, 17 May 2013
Puff Piece Found Dead In Tree
by Shaky Parkinson
After a six month search the body of missing news icon 'The Puff Piece' was found stuck up a tree on Clapham Common in the early hours of this morning. Police have said they are shocked at the discovery but are happy that their arduous search has finally resolved itself in a moderately positive way.
"Stabbed."
Although a time of death has yet to be established forensic specialists have revealed that the body had been brutally stabbed, raped, mugged, beaten, drugged, shot, stabbed, burnt, stripped, embezzled, defrauded, bullied, violated, stabbed, abused, divorced, paedophiled, sued, excommunicated, tortured and photographed for internet distribution.
"It didn't help the breakfast go down," claimed William Felt who discovered the body while out jogging in the early hours, "I was nipping back home through the woods when I saw something moving in the trees. It wasn't until I got closer that I saw a cat pawing over something hidden in the branches. So I called the fire brigade and they brought down what was left of the body. I've never been so dismayed and relieved in all my life. I mean what's the world coming to?"
The victim's family are saddened by the loss but in a statement claimed, "It was a long time coming and we are simply glad that the torment is over. The incident has come as a big shock to us but we've got a new fridge freezer on the way so it's not all bad news."
"Knives."
Scotland Yard have launched an investigation into the attack and with the use of intelligence reports and CCTV footage have issued a profile of what is believed to be a vicious gang of badly dressed media types armed with bulging wallets, knives, pessimistic viewpoints and vast amounts of audience research data. Police are warning the public to stay clear of the gang and are appealing for witnesses to come forward and aid in the investigation.
And in lighter news...
 |
| Crime scene. |
"Stabbed."
Although a time of death has yet to be established forensic specialists have revealed that the body had been brutally stabbed, raped, mugged, beaten, drugged, shot, stabbed, burnt, stripped, embezzled, defrauded, bullied, violated, stabbed, abused, divorced, paedophiled, sued, excommunicated, tortured and photographed for internet distribution.
"It didn't help the breakfast go down," claimed William Felt who discovered the body while out jogging in the early hours, "I was nipping back home through the woods when I saw something moving in the trees. It wasn't until I got closer that I saw a cat pawing over something hidden in the branches. So I called the fire brigade and they brought down what was left of the body. I've never been so dismayed and relieved in all my life. I mean what's the world coming to?"
The victim's family are saddened by the loss but in a statement claimed, "It was a long time coming and we are simply glad that the torment is over. The incident has come as a big shock to us but we've got a new fridge freezer on the way so it's not all bad news."
"Knives."
Scotland Yard have launched an investigation into the attack and with the use of intelligence reports and CCTV footage have issued a profile of what is believed to be a vicious gang of badly dressed media types armed with bulging wallets, knives, pessimistic viewpoints and vast amounts of audience research data. Police are warning the public to stay clear of the gang and are appealing for witnesses to come forward and aid in the investigation.
And in lighter news...
Monday, 6 May 2013
Investigation Launched Into 1970's Policing
by Shaky Parkinson
Scotland Yard's squeaky clean reputation has fallen into disrepute after a number of television personalities have come forward claiming that the Metropolitan Police are guilty of systematic abuse dating back as far as the 1970's.
"Men as old as 87."
The bubble of lies finally burst when an independent commission was set up to investigate confessions made by broadcaster Stuart Hall about how the police systematically preyed on the weak and vulnerable wallets of men as old as 87 throughout the television industry for over four decades.
In a statement earlier this morning Hall claimed, "We were powerless, they knew how to isolate us and shame you into their way of thinking. It's not like you could go to the police or seek help elsewhere and so you just end up going along with what they want. It makes you feel sick, sick and hopeless. I'm just happy that this is all coming out in the open."
"Indecent money."
Officials were seen leaving Scotland yard with boxes containing thousands of indecent money bands along with numerous cigar ends and used whisky glasses that under examination will hopefully contain invaluable DNA evidence to ratify the claims. Yet the question of how have these crimes went unpunished for so long is still one that needs answering.
"By all appearances Scotland Yard was the beacon of trust and honesty," claimed Commission Head Gerald Printer, "No one had a bad word to say about it and the nation was fully content to support and encourage it."
"Maybe a few years ago the shock at the recent findings would have been markedly less ravenous," he continued, "But with today's falling social standards and unforced media economy the British public are ready to enact their viciousness for almost anything. Even so it is a terrible thing to watch such a long serving member of the United Kingdom being brought into disrepute. As always our thoughts are with the victims families and we hope that our investigation can uncover any and all hidden secrets and establish the true nature of these crimes."
"And stalking as well."
Further information was released about an alleged secret 'Vice Squad' that were unofficially tasked with carrying out the alleged offences that range from bullying, blackmailing and stalking as well as both physical and mental assault.
A spokesman for The Sun newspaper claimed, "We've been furthering this cause for years now and it seems we're doing a damn sight better job than those sickos back in the 70's. All they've done is let these predators run around unchecked and it is up to The Sun to sell the public some justice."
Despite the investigation still being in its early stages families of the prospective victims are already setting up their bank accounts for a potential boost in assets and it is hoped that the necessary castrations and resignations will be carried out on live television in the coming weeks.
"Men as old as 87."
The bubble of lies finally burst when an independent commission was set up to investigate confessions made by broadcaster Stuart Hall about how the police systematically preyed on the weak and vulnerable wallets of men as old as 87 throughout the television industry for over four decades.
In a statement earlier this morning Hall claimed, "We were powerless, they knew how to isolate us and shame you into their way of thinking. It's not like you could go to the police or seek help elsewhere and so you just end up going along with what they want. It makes you feel sick, sick and hopeless. I'm just happy that this is all coming out in the open."
"Indecent money."
Officials were seen leaving Scotland yard with boxes containing thousands of indecent money bands along with numerous cigar ends and used whisky glasses that under examination will hopefully contain invaluable DNA evidence to ratify the claims. Yet the question of how have these crimes went unpunished for so long is still one that needs answering.
"By all appearances Scotland Yard was the beacon of trust and honesty," claimed Commission Head Gerald Printer, "No one had a bad word to say about it and the nation was fully content to support and encourage it."
 |
| Stuart Hall outside Preston Crown Court. |
"And stalking as well."
Further information was released about an alleged secret 'Vice Squad' that were unofficially tasked with carrying out the alleged offences that range from bullying, blackmailing and stalking as well as both physical and mental assault.
A spokesman for The Sun newspaper claimed, "We've been furthering this cause for years now and it seems we're doing a damn sight better job than those sickos back in the 70's. All they've done is let these predators run around unchecked and it is up to The Sun to sell the public some justice."
Despite the investigation still being in its early stages families of the prospective victims are already setting up their bank accounts for a potential boost in assets and it is hoped that the necessary castrations and resignations will be carried out on live television in the coming weeks.
Monday, 29 April 2013
Mohammed Sohel Rana Enters Record Books
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Sunday, 21 April 2013
Michael Bolton, Not From Bolton
by Shaky Parkinson
The people of Bolton were today shocked to discover that legendary singer/songwriter and local icon Michael Bolton was not in fact born in the city. Bolton whose real name is in fact Bolotin originally hails from New Haven, Connecticut and isn't even of British nationality.
"Devastated," claimed Bolton Mayor Guy Harkin, "This is a massive blow to our city's identity and the work required in rectifying this mistake could cripple us at the next budget. There's the street names, the statues, not too mention the charities that will have to be shut down. I guess no one did the research. Although this does shed light on why he didn't respond to our letters."
Bolton's citizens were equally distressed by the news with Mr. Wellesley of Michael Bolton Manor claiming, "We sort of assumed everything and you know what they say, to assume is to set yourself up to look like a tit."
"Our bad," sighed Shelia Smith of How Am I Supposed To Live Without You Road.
"Honestly, I don't think we should change a thing. What Bolton needs now is moral and shunning our identity won't help that. Bolton is Bolton and it should stay that way," noted Sid Purt of Go The Distance Avenue.
"Who?" asked Deborah Hill of Can I Touch You...There? Street.
Sentiment wasn't all positive with Richard Holme of Michael Mews in uproar at the discovery, "I don't know what this tosser is trying to pull but he's upsetting a lot of people. Think of the lives he is ruining."
"My faith is absolutely shattered," he continued to sob, "When a man loves a woman it's fine, but when a city loves a man its nothing but a fucking joke. Well ha ha ha. Bolton's taken all my love and left me a hollow shell of a man. What are we supposed to do now?"
"We were only days away from a cure," claimed researcher Imelda Johnson of the Michael Bolton Leukaemia Research Foundation that was shut down this morning after the announcement, "That's thirty years of research down the drain. Shit."
Protest was strongest amongst the city's more radical fan-base with a CD and tape cassette burning scheduled to take place at Sexual Healing Square later this evening. Bolton was unavailable for comment although his answering machine claimed that he, "Said I Loved You...But I lied."
The turmoil is set to spread nationwide with other cities double checking their research in fear of losing claim to what may or may not be their homegrown talent. "It's a sad time," claimed Home Secretary Theresa May, "People are waking up to the fact that Julie London was from California, Michael York was a Southerner and Clarke Kent never even set foot in the home counties. It is a sad realisation but we can at least take solace in the fact that the Britain we know and love is being represented across the world by a vast group of Americans.
Tickets for the Big Bolton Burn are £7 each on the door, no concessions. Doors open at 7pm and remember, you bring the fuel and we'll bring the fun.
 |
| "Said I loved you...But I Lied" |
"Devastated," claimed Bolton Mayor Guy Harkin, "This is a massive blow to our city's identity and the work required in rectifying this mistake could cripple us at the next budget. There's the street names, the statues, not too mention the charities that will have to be shut down. I guess no one did the research. Although this does shed light on why he didn't respond to our letters."
Bolton's citizens were equally distressed by the news with Mr. Wellesley of Michael Bolton Manor claiming, "We sort of assumed everything and you know what they say, to assume is to set yourself up to look like a tit."
"Our bad," sighed Shelia Smith of How Am I Supposed To Live Without You Road.
"Honestly, I don't think we should change a thing. What Bolton needs now is moral and shunning our identity won't help that. Bolton is Bolton and it should stay that way," noted Sid Purt of Go The Distance Avenue.
 |
| Bolton, a city reeling. |
Sentiment wasn't all positive with Richard Holme of Michael Mews in uproar at the discovery, "I don't know what this tosser is trying to pull but he's upsetting a lot of people. Think of the lives he is ruining."
"My faith is absolutely shattered," he continued to sob, "When a man loves a woman it's fine, but when a city loves a man its nothing but a fucking joke. Well ha ha ha. Bolton's taken all my love and left me a hollow shell of a man. What are we supposed to do now?"
"We were only days away from a cure," claimed researcher Imelda Johnson of the Michael Bolton Leukaemia Research Foundation that was shut down this morning after the announcement, "That's thirty years of research down the drain. Shit."
 |
| The Michael Bolton statue that adorns Sexual Healing Square in the City Centre. |
The turmoil is set to spread nationwide with other cities double checking their research in fear of losing claim to what may or may not be their homegrown talent. "It's a sad time," claimed Home Secretary Theresa May, "People are waking up to the fact that Julie London was from California, Michael York was a Southerner and Clarke Kent never even set foot in the home counties. It is a sad realisation but we can at least take solace in the fact that the Britain we know and love is being represented across the world by a vast group of Americans.
Tickets for the Big Bolton Burn are £7 each on the door, no concessions. Doors open at 7pm and remember, you bring the fuel and we'll bring the fun.
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