"It's Nice To Sir You, Sir You, Nice!"

by Shaky Parkinson

After a ropey headline News Guff has decided to push ahead with its coverage of Sir Bruce Forsyth's Knighthood.  The announcement of this impending pun came way back during June in the Queen's Birthday Honours List.  Since then Brucey has been tapping his heels to the beat of life and generally feeling pretty fantastic.  "I'm very proud my career hasn't been in vain," he was overheard quoting, "And I'd like to big up the press for supporting me all the way and making today possible.  Keep it real fuckers."

Below is a transcript taken from News Guff's live radio coverage of the event.

"Here comes Brucey.  Oh, I do like that wiggle, very stylish.  Classic, subtle and very sexy.  He's going down on one knee.  Don't worry folks he's not proposing, although you'd be hard press to say no.  There's the sword.  Beautifully handed by Her Majesty.  That's how it should be done.  I think the decision to leave off the full armour and shield combo was probably a good move.  Watch the toupee, watch the toupee!  She's good.  Superb.  Superb.  You can hear the applause ringing out through the palace.  I've seen a fair few Knightings in my time but this is really quite spectacular.  The shoulder placement was just so natural.  God, don't we love the Queen?  Wait.  Wait. What's this?  She's leaning in, maybe she's accepting after all.  I can't quite make that out.  I think the Queen is saying, wait.  Lovely to Sir you, Sir you, nice.


Oooooooooh, they don't like that.  Listen to that silence.  Brucey is not happy.  He's smiling but he's not happy.  Not happy at all.  That's a sour face if ever I've seen one.  Proof that bad humour can ruin even the most special moment.  I think that's the last of the clapping we'll be hearing today.  Such a sad sight.  If you've just joined us you're listening to the 2011 Queen's Birthday Honours List Awards."

Amongst the other recipients were fashion designer Celia Birtwell and author Julia Donaldson whose contributions to literature don't do much in furthering the notion of credibility.  It is hoped that Donaldson's MBE will help lower the bar and aid Katy Price and Kerry Katona in their respective bids for the Queen's next birthday.

"We're Back," Whinge BNP, "And This Time We're Trying Fraud."

by Shaky Parkinson

A former British National Party administrator, Marion Thomas, has claimed that the party falsified invoices to create the illusion of huge debts during the 2010 election simply to detract attention from its fascist standpoint.  Thomas is said to have been sickened by the events, "Apparently I'm sickened by the events.  Falsifying legal documents before submitting them to the Electoral Commission is an horrific act.  It detracts from all our hard work attacking black's and immigrants and in my opinion goes against our party's core ideals."

"We've made a mistake," claimed Nick Griffin, Party Chairman, "The racism angle only had so much mileage.  Rookie mistake.  If we are going for the big votes we're going to have to play the sympathy card.  Besides we could use any press at the moment.  A bit of fraud was a logical step, plus it means we can fudge the accounting and give Danny and the Boys some much needed acting work.  Check it, that's three birds, one stone."

The media strategy thought up by the party has been deemed 'Epic' amongst strategists.  We spoke to Jim Smartypants who was wearing a white coat, "Smashing stuff.  The way they have taken on a new angle to get themselves some sympathy while still harbouring incredibly dangerous racist tendencies is something special.  I'm thinking of adopting the policy on home ground.  A quick word with Mrs. Smartypants claiming that the recession caused us to cut back the handbag allowance and that whole secretary over the desk business will be a thing of the past.  They've got my vote."

"See, we've got his vote," chimed in Griffin.

It is still unclear how the BNP managed to believably falsify debts of £570,000 but the rising cost in baseball bats is being used as a go to.  "Finger pointing and picketing are expensive work," stated Griffin, "And then the photocopier bust so you can see how things spiralled out of control.  We had no choice but to fake the invoices, things were desperate.  We've had no press coverage and our image was sending us into obscurity.  We came this close to a party collapse, then where would democracy have been?  We did this for you Britain.  Even if you disagree with our methods, views and whole manifesto you can at least have a good old bitch about us, and isn't that a reason for voting BNP?"

The BNP deny any wrongdoing but adamantly claim to have been instrumental in any rightdoing.

"Has Anyone Told Them They've Lost?" asks Interim Authority Forces

by Shaky Parkinson

After a fresh bombardment has been launched on the Gaddafi stronghold of Sirte, Rebels are asking themselves some serious questions.  The biggest one being if anyone bothered telling the pro-Gaddafi forces that they have lost.

"I'm pretty sure someone mentioned something," claimed Transitional Government Force Commander, Nasser Abu Zian, "I remember we got together and wrote them a note or something.  It must have been pretty good because we sent out for pizzas and beer halfway through writing it."

It is thought that intense fighting in the city has caused the post to be a bit delayed.  "It's possible that the mail man was amongst the thousands of civilians who fled the city to safety the other day," continued Zian, "But it's just as likely he is dead.  We already have 12 bodies in the room out back and if that was the case we're boned.  All the maps have been blown up and he was the only one who knew the street names.  Then again I'm looking at my book of six 1st Class and there isn't any missing.  It's a mystery, you know the post."

Just to be on the safe side Zian has implemented a blanket advertising campaign of the entire area with special attention being paid to the enemies compound.  He talked us through the plan, "We've brought in some awesome megaphones and banners to be put up around the major roundabouts, not too mention a crack team of flyer distributors who'll be monitoring the streets 24/7.  It was a logical step, what with airtime hitting an all time low price and the cost of constant shelling proving a burden on the food budget.  I'm using the savings to buy myself a hat."

We spoke to Mark Arse of LAME, London Advertising Media Execution, who has been commissioned to produce the campaign.  "We wanted to keep it simple, loud, but simple and also very loud," proclaimed Arse, "Our initial idea of getting the entire NTC to sing a cover of Katy Perry's Lost was met with much criticism so we've gone for the minimalist approach, nothing fancy, a simple 'you've lost' banner knocked out on the photocopier.  We think it's a win."

It is hoped that the advertising campaign will bring about an end to the bloodshed and lead to a peaceful transition into a new democratic Libya.

Internal Memo: FAO: Mr. Mack

Dear 'The Mac',

That's it Jack, you are officially barred from using the staff fridge.  Not only did I find half a Wellington boot lodged firmly into my custard slice but your flagrant disregard for the Marmite policy is proving troublesome.  It's a two to one thing so stop bringing that muck into our canteen.

Not too mention the down right disturbing site of having a cuddly toy staring at me from the top shelf.   If I have to sit through another snack time with the phrase, 'Mr. Cuddles, Protector of the Universe' ingrained on my retinas one more time, I'll kick his ass.

THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!!! NO MARMITE IN THE FRIDGE!!! 

On a side note your current lack of written material is just plain irritating yet your expense claim for the beach house in Malibu is a site for sore eyes.  We agreed to only abuse the expenses up to a £750,000 limit and now there isn't any cash left to pay off my hooker bill.  If you're going to start skimming cash from the Bosses then you have to let us all know so we can join in.  I hate to sound like the twatty kid at the party but unless you set Robbins and me up with a time-share then we'll have no choice to turn to arson.  It's in the staff handbook so stop fannying about.

And if you've finished with it I need my copy of Bambi back, I'm feeling down and need a pick me up.

Cheers

Shaky

Tubbies To Taste Tiredness

by Shaky Parkinson

A shock report has claimed that the NHS in Scotland has seen a 25% rise in sleep disorders with 80% of sufferer's showing signs of obesity.  "The main culprit appears to be Sleep Apnoea," stated Dr. Tom Mackay of Edinburgh's Royal Infirmary, "The patients fat neck squishes down their windpipe causing them to suck their airway closed, much like that of sucking up a milkshake.  We believe the motions that have become habitual are transferring themselves into a nocturnal setting.  Either that or the word suck is very misplaced."

He continued, "The resultant lack of oxygen has caused people to wake up, die or pass out at the wheel.  Thus causing a crummy nights sleep, death and proof that obesity can kill.  We've been prescribing diets and jogging but it seems that most of these people enjoy being fat."

The Guff met up with one Survivor at her favourite burger joint, "I knew that after I had technically died it was time to hit the salads.  Now I no longer snore and I'm still alive.  Although I am being treated for clown related nightmares."

It appears this new report has sent shock waves through the fast food industry with a mandatory extra slice of lettuce being added to every burger sold nationwide.  "Hey, we're just trying to do our bit," said King Ronald, Burger Mogul, we can't have all our customers dying, that's bad for business.  This Afro isn't holding its colour as well as it used to and the price of hair dye is a fucking joke."

Despite the seriousness of the report certain organisations have deemed the statistics as localised.  "You did say these results are from the Scotland?" asked Dr. Foster of Gloucester Royal Infirmary, "Well there's your answer.  If you've ever seen the school lunch rush in Musselburgh you'll have no cause to fear this down in the South East."

Either way the rise in the number of rough nights being attributed to the cheeseburger cannot probably be a bad or good thing although it might be very tasty.  "It's an outrage," continued the Survivor, "First they kill Elvis and now they are determined to ruin my life.  When will these delicious bastards be stopped?"

The situation has apparently gotten so bad that the British Lung Foundation has used the word 'Priority'.



Oh, and Steve Jobs died but we figured someone else would cover that one.

Nun Bride Defeats Army

by Shaky Parkinson

This Saturday, Delta Force Paintball in Milton Keynes, saw the heroic scene of one Nun's triumph at the hands of twenty opponents.  A pregnant Nun and bride to be, was seen to be out kicking ass amid the cries and yells of a heated Saturday's battling.

The Nun's left and right tactics proved hugely successful and her command of her limited forces has already caused a stir within modern strategist circles.  With ideas such as throwing grenades at those too young too wield them and a full out confident approach to attack, the Nun made a unique impression upon the battlefield.  With cries of, "Get the guy in the tutu, he's pretty good," abounding the field the action was certainly in full swing.

The day came to fruition with a strategic attack upon a bunker containing a seventy strong force.  The surprise attack was proving successful up until the moment Gary ran away.  It was then left to the Nun to take down the three thousand inhabitants of the building with nothing more than ten balls to her name.

The events of the next few minutes are hazy but from information gathered it appears the Nun, in full battle fury, proceeded to wreak havoc on the amassed forces of the opposing army.  It is thought that the loss of her baby earlier on in the foray contributed to her blood lust.

Unfortunately it was this loss and the feeling of abandonment that forced the Nun to excessive drink.  After lovingly harassing a hen night and the staff of Pizza Express Oxford, the Nun was seen practicing her tray spinning skills while rocking the night away.  Luckily one Dr. Tit was on hand to offer up medical advice throughout the night and help the Nun arrive safely home at her convent.

When asked for a quote about her courageous act of defeating a 25,000 strong army the Nun had this to say, "Whoooooooooooooooooooo!"


Love you Dude!

Hottest October On Record

by Shaky Parkinson

Statistics released today have shown this October to be the hottest on record.  Despite being only a single day into the month experts have claimed that the spill over from last month has forced recorded levels to an all time high, thus making it very hot.

"I can't believe it," stated one Shopper, "There is totty everywhere.  Usually when September begins you buckle down into the online porn but for no reason there are scantily clad hotties everywhere.  And Christmas is coming up too.  Result."

We asked noted pervert, Randy Peeps, what he made of the situation.  "It really is an anomaly," he commented, "I've been out and about and cannot find a single reason why the ratio of attractive women is on the increase.  It is baffling, but maybe there are just some things better left unknown and simply appreciated.  PHWOOOOAAAR!!!"

"I'm not sure what is occurring here but I'm getting very hot under the collar and I can say this to be a good thing," continued the Shopper.

"Although this freak occurrence is thoroughly enjoyable it is by no means setting any trends," continued Peeps, "We all know how fickle and unpredictable these things can be but we have to remember that records only go back as far as 1906 and we all know how randy the Victorians were.  I'd recommend we just take things in our stride and simply enjoy the climate.  If we get our hopes up about this becoming a permanent fixture we may end up being very disappointed.  Now pass me those binoculars and that blanket."

Experts say the level of hotties is only going to increase over the coming fortnight and recommend that when leaving your house you should carry with you the appropriate protection.