Food To Kill Again

by Shaky Parkinson

It seems scientists are at it again with this seconds scare involving low-fat yogurt, pregnancy and Asthma.  The European Respiratory Society have today unveiled research claiming that pregnant women eating low-fat yogurt will put their children at a greater risk of contracting Asthma, and probably cancer, that shit gets everywhere.

"We surveyed over 70,000 Danish Woman and it all makes sense," claimed lead study author, Ekaterina Maslova, "The lack of fatty acids in the yogurt clearly demonstrate that these children are fucked and will be struggling for air for the rest of eternity."

"This has nothing to do with breast milk or normal milk or indeed that soya crap," she furthered, "But it is clear that normal yogurt is the way forward if you are preggers and anyone who cares about their unborn fetus should listen to what we say and take our recommendations as concrete fact.  But only if we're right."

Many sensible people have been quick to ignore the study with Roger Buffing of Medical College Oxford having this to say, "I have this to say, the fact is we are all fucked.  According to those test tube lovers there is not a food alive that will in some way bring about our untimely end, so they can just jog on.  I currently weigh 390 Stone and so far no diet has worked.  Each and every single one of them is in contradiction with the others.  I've decided that crisps are the way forward.  I've only heard bad things so I want to be ahead of the game when they become healthy."

"They'd need to duplicate the results," stated Asthma UK Research Director, Leanne Metcalf, "I'm not falling for another 'onions cure AIDS' rant.  Either way, this is all speculation and by the time we get to the bottom of it the scare will be long over and no one will care when we find out they were wrong."

After suggesting the usual 'balanced diet' get out clause, the scientists packed up their wagons and hit off on the trail to make camp at the next town.  It is also recommended that if someone is ill that they go to their Local GP, thus absolving the publishers of spreading any misinformation while keeping the white coats firmly placed at the head of reason and logic.

Superhero Attacks Swiss Bank

by Shaky Parkinson

Swiss bank UBS has been ravaged by the dealings of a rogue trading Superhero with the estimated loss currently running at $2bn.  "First it was there then it wasn't, don't ask me what happened," said Group CEO Oswald Grubel, "These things happen and we'd rather step aside and let someone else deal with it just in case our shares take a further hit."

And hit they were with UBS shares dropping 8% overnight.  It appears the actions of this as yet unnamed trader, we'll call him Mr. Wonderful, have resulted in a serious loss of faith for the company that had to be bailed out by the Swiss government back in 2008.

"It's about bloody time," said War Veteran Charlie Slug, "Those damn Nazi cowards could do with a kick up the arse.  It's all Hadron Collider this and C.E.R.N. that, well fuck 'em.  Maybe if they spent a bit more time telling jokes instead of struggling against futility to out wit God, they might not be seen as such pompous knobs."

Tensions were running high with an immediate investigation set in motion to locate Mr. Wonderful's lair.  "We believe his hiding to be located on or around the 39th floor of our main building.  Then again it could just be a very knowledgeable cleaner out for revenge after that impromptu custard pie fight we had on Friday.  To be honest we don't know, but it is shocking nonetheless."

It is still unclear how Mr. Wonderful was able to migrate the ever increasing limitations being placed on bankers worldwide but it seems, "A bit of skilled fudging was sufficient to bypass our most secure stock movement programs or whatever it is we use to move stocks about," continued Grubel, "If we don't find him soon his mission to destroy our financial credibility will be ruined.  We haven't suffered an image breach since our founding in 1854.  That is why we have called in Supervillian, Mr. Boring to ferret out the culprit and his creative banking manoeuvres that have left us in a quandary."

It is uncertain how the story will proceed, but what is certain is that wherever there is a dull money hungry country whose chief exports are boredom and scientists Mr. Wonderful will be there to kick them where it hurts.

Cigarette Causes Explosion, or Gas, or Whatever

by Shaky P (I'm trying it out)

75 people were killed today when a fuel pipe exploded under the Sinai slum in Nairobi.  It is believed that a petrol leak was gathering for some time before a disgusting individual whose habits had driven him to the break of insanity relieved himself of a cigarette thus sparking an horrific display of death and destruction throughout the area.

Over a hundred people have been injured in the blast and a recent glance at the death tally has seen fatalities rapidly approach the one hundred way point.  Bodies of those burnt were seen floating in a nearby river while tar stained teeth and clogged vessels were witnessed falling over 1,000 feet away.

"That fucker went up big time," said one Old Man, "I've been sittin' in this here pile of shite for almost fifty year but I ain't ever seen a mother load like that.  Sort of makes things okay.  I ain't ever failin' with that image scared into my retina's."

It is believed the clean up operation may take hours with the cost to property running at a little over seven dollars.  Residents were shocked at the disaster.  None more so than Lungamba Smith, "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"It's horrible," reacted another Resident, "You just don't think it's going to happen to you.  We're used to all the frozen piss spikes falling through our roofs because of the airport but a cigarette smoker is something you just can't cope with."

Body parts were seen littering the ground around the crater and a mass crowd had turned up to witness the gigantic hole in the ground left there.  "Someone said there was a gas leak so I came over as fast as I could," claimed one Nairobian, "If this is what smoking does I'm making sure the kids get hooked on liquor before it's too late."

One resident, Mr. Jumba Evans was tucking into his tea when the explosion occurred.  "Forget second hand smoke, I got second hand lung in my potatoes," he ranted, "First there was a whoosh, then a burp then a big fuck off bang.  My hearts are with the family's but why couldn't this have happened on fish scraping night?"

Of course smoking campaigners were quickly on the scene to drive home their cause and show what a little bit of lung love can do to a neighbourhood.  We spoke to Miss Elma Waddle, chairwoman of SMUG (Smoking Makes Unhealthy Gums) and this is what she had to say, "We tried to warn you, we did we did, but you didn't listen and now you're looking at a broken homes and a mass grave.  See, we told you this would happen.  It only takes one cigarette butt and a few tonnes of leaking fuel and you have a disaster on your hands.  I hope you're happy and if you aren't then it serves you right."

It seems Kenya cannot catch a break with the Government issuing a category five 'Shit's Law Warning' that prohibits the use of thumbtacks, cling film and all versions of Windows 7.  "Fuck," said Prime Minister Raila Odinga, "Fuck."

Army Outraged At Car-Bomb Attack

by Shaky Parkinson

The Armed Forces are today mourning the loss of 80 US Troops who were killed in a truck bomb attack in Wardak province, Afghanistan.  The attack which occurred within a United States Military base is just one more addition to an increasingly dull and lack luster list of terrorist attacks over the last few years.

"Those bastards," yelled Lieutenant Commander Peter Loud, "What kind of sick game of terrorist are they playing here?  I've seen more ingenuity in a dog kennel.  Those scruffy lay abouts haven't come up with a decent piece of creative killing in over a decade and today's attack was just one to many."

"He's right," agreed Captain Lieutenant Barry Edge, "Another fucking car bomb, are they taking the piss?  If they are trying to force us out through shame they are doing a bloody good job of it.  One more sobbing widow whose fella has bitten the dust from a nondescript car bomb and I'm calling it quits."

"There's just no creativity," continued Loud, "I always thought these gits were given to the idea of free thinking but it seems our regimented strictness is proving more interesting than even their wittiest ideas.  Where are the unicycle bombs, the grenades through the windows?  Even a nutter with a loaded paintball gun would prove a useful distraction.  There are ways to win a war and pussy footing around like girls is not one of them."

When sort for a quote one Terrorist stated, "We have lots of cars, so we use cars.  We don't like cars so much.  Fuck the soldiers and their boredom, why don't they give us some tanks and we can blow them up instead.  We sent Yusuf out to make some kites so we could dive bomb them into the enemies compound but they are shit.  Have you tried strapping dynamite to twine, the weight ratio is obscene.  Sorry I must go.  Have you seen my keys."

"This particular form of violence is becoming widespread throughout the world and is having a serious effect on our troops' moral," claimed Defence Secretary Dr. Liam Fox, "Who wants another death defying blast when we could resign ourselves to the fact that a midget trained in the ways of the force could be lurking around the next corner, just waiting to make his move.  Those are the kind of emotions we need. These Terrorists are damaging moral, creativity and humour."

"We let off three car bombs earlier this year just as an April Fool's joke" chuckled Loud, "I can still see the boys faces, bored senseless.  We did such a good job of it they failed to see the joke.  So you can see how bad it has gotten.  Oh well, next year we're just going to go with the old cling film over the toilet.  With this current lull in Terrorist originality we could use the laughs."

After the shock explosion it was reported that Ross Kemp was patrolling the army base but as of yet has not done anything of use.  It is hoped that new legislation and an influx of troops may do something to spark the Terrorists into action but it is thought the last smidgen of hope was lost during the release of the latest Terrorist trade magazine, 'Car Bomb Weekly'

Galliano Swindled Of 6,000 Euros

by Shaky Parkinson

Poor anit-Semitic fashion fool John Galliano was today swindled of 6,000 Euros by a covetous Jew and her swindling counterparts.  The team who set upon Galliano in a Parisian restaurant are said to have used cunning, deceit and observation in coaxing abuse out of the drunk fashion designer.

"I apologise," claimed Galliano in court this afternoon, "If I knew what was happening there would be more to say."  Stepping into the void with his trusted text book Galliano's lawyer, Aurelien Hamelle, was quick to save the accused by stating Mr. Galliano, "Is relived to be putting this all behind him."  "What do you mean 'This'?" stumbled Galliano.

It seems museum curator, Geraldine Bloch and her little yellow, and as yet unnamed Friend were able to keep the fashion designer in a forty-five minute argument until the Rozzer's showed up to arrest him.  "What a rookie mistake," claimed Miss Bloch's lawyer, "My clients showed great talent in being able to lure a boozed up Mr. Galliano into a war of words.  After the first syllable the case was as good as won."

He continued, "Two women, probably lesbians, one Asian and the other one a Jew, what a moron.  His flamboyant dress sense was a blessing, and the bottle of vodka he was swilling was a golden ticket covered in good cocaine.  The man is a walking cash machine."

Galliano who is said to be receiving treatment for his addictions to alcohol, Valium and sleeping pills is just one in a long line of racists whose over the top presence has been exploited for financial gain by the ever greedy Jew.  "I don't know what happened," claimed Galliano, "First some woman is being rude to me and one witty quip later I'm out of a job and up in court facing a fine of 6,000 Euros, have they seen the exchange rate recently.  What happened?  Shit, I could end up working for Primark."

Little is known of the Con Artist team but the 'Symbolic Payout' that somehow managed to include five anti-racism groups just proves that stereotypes can be true and anti-tosser groups have been seen outside the court house protesting both parties.

"This is a fucking mess," angered the Judge, "I hate the lot of them but I can't rightly sentence a woman, probably a lesbian, so I had to rule against the arrogant arse in the funny hat and trousers.  I've seen the exchange rate, tough break, but someone had to cop."

As yet we are unsure what the Con Artist's plan to do with their windfall but we are assured it is locked up tightly until a decision can be decided on.  "What we can take from this is important," continued the Judge, "Shit happens so learn from that and if you insist on running the risk of encountering people just remember that you didn't have to leave your house.  I'm going to bed, get out of my way you dirtbag Journo."

Miss Bloch was unwanted for comment, being deemed to insignificant for interviewing, "We'll give her some airtime if this case can get her career of the ground but until then it's a no go," claimed a Colleague and fellow dirtbag.

"English Channel Not Good Enough" Claims Walliams

by Shaky Parkinson

Sport Relief Lord, David Walliams is back in the limelight after his 100 mile swim down the River Thames kicked off in Lechdale, Gloucestershire yesterday.  The funny man has charged himself with swimming the entire length of the waterway, culminating in applause at Big Ben in just over a week's time.

"This is going to be even bigger than when I swam the English Channel," he commented, "Do you remember that?  When I swam the English Channel?  It was a few years ago, I think it was 2006 you must remember it?  It takes someone special to swim the English Channel.  It was tough but I did it."

After some editing he continued with, "Well this swim is going to be SEVEN TIMES longer than the English Channel.  I mean come on. SEVEN TIMES. Whaaaaat!"  Asked why he is wasting his time Walliams commented, "SEVEN TIMES!!!"  It seems the Sport Relief bug just won't go away with this years venture set to massively outshine his previous fund raising challenge of cycling from John O'Groats to Lands End.  "SEVEN TIMES!!!"

The charity swim is set to literally bring out the punters with humour conservationists planning a demonstration on Tuesday with the proposed plan of sinking Walliams just outside Oxford.  "His damage to the written word has been absolute, all we can do now is hope to stop him before this publicity train inflicts more damage on our combined consciousness," claimed Donald Dunk, Protest Leader, "I'm still suffering from post-traumatic stress after watching the pilot episode of Little Britain.  I thought we'd ridden ourselves of this grease ball but he keeps coming back."

"SEVEN TIMES!!!" shouted a now distant Walliams as he waved to the amassed crowds.  The swim which is set to see Walliams arrive in London next Monday after his 140 mile struggle will hopefully raise enough money for Sport Relief to construct another pointless inner city athletics field.

"People aren't running enough," claimed Kevin Cahill, former Chief Executive of Comic Relief, "Children spend all their time indoors playing interactive video games and watching top quality American television instead of being out on a sports pitch in the pissing rain throwing an over weighted ball of iron an unsatisfying five feet.  When I was young I loved nothing more than to run around in circles jumping over awkwardly placed obstacles and satisfyingly fail to volt over a ludicrously placed pole.  I just don't understand the youth of today."

It is hoped the ego boost will force Walliams into hiding for a further twelve months but the drooling praise being showered upon the star no doubt means we'll be hearing about this on third rate comedy panel shows for years to come.

"SEVEN TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMES!!!"

NHS Canteen's To Get Foreign Makeover

by Shaky Parkinson

After a number of disgruntled comments from the suggestion box the NHS has decided to outsource its catering sector to foreign investors.  It appears a wave of discontent has broken out across many top leading institutions throughout the UK and in a bid to keep standards high the Government is planning to allow foreign investment into many UK hospitals.

"Everyone loves curry right?  Problem solved," beamed Health Secretary Andrew Lansley, "We aren't privatising the NHS, we just thought that patients would prefer a post colostomy curry than some mouldy brown salad.  Beans and chips aren't going to cut it in this Jamie Oliver Snail FUCK! Smith sort of world."

After breaking for a quick Chicken Vindaloo Lansley was back with, "What we are planning to do is bring up all NHS canteen's to a level of pretension that rivals that of the best London bistro.  Once we've souped up this kitchen you'll be shitting bricks."

After his runaway success with the rebranding of Little Chef, Heston Blumenthal is being dragged in to create a public friendly menu to suit injuries of any scale, "We've got snail toast for the fractures and frozen piss cream for tonsillitis but I've yet to make any progress with the cancer patients," he scoffed earlier today.

"I'm for it," said one Vox Pop, "I pay my taxes and I think it is about time the NHS offered me up a few choice cuts with my leg amputation.  If I wanted chips I could go to the freezer, what I want is an experience that I cannot get at home.  They already have the awkward room share and that weird metal thing to piss in but so far the food isn't up to scratch."

"My jelly is crap," fumed brain surgery survivor, Richard Head, "When will they learn."  It seems the range of Greek salads, curries, fresh pizzas and Turkish kebabs has already proven a success during its trial period and is set to go national next month.

"This is going to be great," smiled Lansley, "We'll get the best in food the world has to offer.  We're changing the whole face medicine.  Once I drag up some research that links feta cheese with a cancer cure we're set.  Hey, if this works we might as well source out the whole lot.  Gotta go my Kulfi is here."