Angry Birds Cause Disdain

by Shaky Parkinson (Tanned like a burnt peach)

The release of the latest installment of the Angry Birds franchise has left filing uncompleted and Microsoft in tears.  With a new space themed development, Angry Birds: Space has sold over ten million downloads in its first three days of sale.  Yet a bitter Microsoft were seemingly unhappy with the millions of occupied faces across the globe claiming, "This game features too many adverts and that drains batteries on peoples thingy's and because we haven't made any cash off this thing it's a fucking disgrace."

Angry Birds developer Rovio tweeted a response claiming sour grapes but were shot down when Microsoft countered with a cease and desist, citing mental torment as the reason for the injunction.  "We don't like to be made fun of or deal with suffering.  We try not to inflict misery on the world but when it comes to battery life we can't hold our tongue."

In a CO-authored report in which Microsoft didn't make these claims themselves, they blame advertising based apps as being a drain on the battery life of mobile entertainment products with such outlandish claims that adverts can sap up to 75% of battery power.

"The figures speak for themselves," claims Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, "It's so lame.  People are blissfully unaware of just how much money they are ploughing into someone else's pocket and then some.  It's going to take a toll on their battery life and it's something we're taking a serious interest in."

When asked for a statement Rovio commented, "What the fuck are they whinging about now?  Can't they just leave us Finns alone.  We won this one and they didn't, tough break, this battery life talk is shi.................  Sorry my phone just died, where's was I?  Advertising won't drain anything except Microsoft's profits and share in the gaming app marketplace.  Who cares I'm off to go wash my massive Scandinavian cock in some champagne.  Who'd have thought it.  Angry birds.  What a fluke."

Consumer Helpline advisor Nick Dial was on hand to offer us some advice, "Adverts are the way of the world, whether its a smooth glass of Jack Daniels or a bite of the country's favourite Cathedral City cheese don't you think a short battery life is a small price to pay for such lasting happiness?  Do you?"

Microsoft have caused a lot of anger with the publication of their CO-report and even with battery lives running dangerously low it seems the world will not be turning their attention from the six new birds available in the most popular gaming app of all time.