ELVIS LIVES!!! ;ku;kjn;iukh HE LIVES!!! ROCK AND Rjbkafbaowugkfwakf Get him out of here. Dammit Douglas! I thought you were covering security. For fuck's sake what's all this? It's not going to print is it? What's that little microphone thing flashing for? Someone get Goodgame in here. Jesus Robbins what is it now? Delivery for you. rufflflflflflflflfe. About bloody time do you know how long I've been waiting for these cue tips? I haven't broken a century since Christmas. What's up chief? My fist in your ego if you can't fix this computer. It keeps writing everything I say and I can't make it stop. Look it's doing it now. No problem I've got it sorted. Good 'cos I've got a lunch date with the bloody press complaints commission, apparently we've breached standards again. Fuck knows why. Have you fixed it? I reckon so, hopefully this'll sort things out. Just hit okay. Shouldn't that be cancel? No it's one of those backwards ones. Good I'm going out make sure this is sorted by the time I get back and whatever you do make sure it doesn't go live. Righto Chief. Let's just okay this and see wh...
Wednesday 26 June 2013
Friday 14 June 2013
Tennant And Osbourne To Duel
by Shaky Parkinson
Flagship BBC program The One Show was forced off the air this evening when an argument broke out between Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osbourne and Royal Shakespeare Company operative David Tennant. As is their want the BBC have already apologised for the incident but the fight seems fit to continue as the pair don swords in a duel to be held at dawn.
"Financial grants to cows."
The conflict arose moments after the Chancellor ended his discussion about the Coalition's latest environmental scheme to reduce Britain's CO2 emissions by awarding financial grants to cows if they cease flatulating.
Despite staff claiming that the Chancellor 'Appeared stressed' and was 'Looking very pale' he openly discussed the scheme as well as claims about back bench opposition to the proposal, "The scheme is a doozy. Really top notch thinking, and we've got our best guys on it. Clegg, Cable, the whole team and the MP's who are opposing this strategy need to think in the long term if Britain is going to help combat global warming. People elected us so we would resolve the economic problems left to us by the previous government but we've gone one step further by altering every facet of daily life in our bid to assist the nation."
Further observations that the Chancellor looked 'Vacant and emotionally ignorant' failed to dampen his spirits as he left the studio during the broadcasting of a Springwatch 2013 segment to join fellow guest David Tennant in the green room where minutes later raised voices were heard. Eventually the banging and smashes alerted security who broke into the barricaded room to find the couple rough housing amongst a pile of empty Celebration Wrappers.
"Backwell back in 2008."
"We got them apart as quickly as we could," commented Security Officer Mick James, "But they were at each others throats. Galaxy Truffle this and see you on the battlefield that. I haven't dealt with anything this nasty since Len Goodman and Bruce Forsyth threw down over a cherry bakewell back in 2008."
"The pair were flustered," claimed presenter Matt Baker, "And we just want to apologise to our viewer for the incident. Thanks to my Blue Peter first aid training I was able to treat David's bruised ego and the Chancellor's ever reddening cheek before matters got out of hand."
Although staff were unable to discover a cause for the hostilities Tennant was eager to protest his innocence as the pair were calmly lead from Broadcasting House, """I'M INNOCENT!!! DOTH NOT THE EYE SEETH TRUTH IN ME??? HISS HISS HISS!!!""" while a more animated Osbourne was furious at the incident, "Boys will be boys and this is nothing more than a bit of light improv that got out of hand. Still no matter how the delivery a challenge is a challenge," but when asked to elaborate neither party could offer any further explanation although runner Claire Hutching witnessed the argument from outside the green room.
"I couldn't hear much through the overacting," she claimed, "But it seemed that there was a dispute about chocolate, which was followed by a lot of swearing and things being thrown around before I distinctly heard the word 'duel' and 'twat' being repeated a number of times.
This comment was later confirmed when Tennant released a press statement claiming, """GEORGE OSBOURNE IS NO MORE A SNOB THAN I AM A THESPIAN!!! AND WE SHALL BE DUELLING TO THE DEATH COME DAYBREAK!!!""" Downing Street also delivered a similar announcement that stated 'Chancellor Osbourne has accepted the challenge of a duel and will comply with all the requisite procedures required in its undertaking'.
"Duels are to be fought."
Parliamentary tradition dictates that all duels are to be fought at first light upon the waters of the river Thames overlooking the Houses of Parliament and in good faith the palace has offered the royal duelling barge to act as the customary vessel.
What with Osbourne's 2nd grade fencing award from Magdalen College and Tennant's extensive use of stage props bookies are saying that a Tennant death would prove unfavourable as would an Osbourne win and are therefore refusing to give odds on either opponent but wish both the combatants unanimous condolences.
BBC will be broadcasting the event from 4.30am with kick off at 5.08 after opening coverage from Adrian Chiles and Sue Barker. You can also follow the proceedings on twitter at #twatfight.
"Financial grants to cows."
The conflict arose moments after the Chancellor ended his discussion about the Coalition's latest environmental scheme to reduce Britain's CO2 emissions by awarding financial grants to cows if they cease flatulating.
Despite staff claiming that the Chancellor 'Appeared stressed' and was 'Looking very pale' he openly discussed the scheme as well as claims about back bench opposition to the proposal, "The scheme is a doozy. Really top notch thinking, and we've got our best guys on it. Clegg, Cable, the whole team and the MP's who are opposing this strategy need to think in the long term if Britain is going to help combat global warming. People elected us so we would resolve the economic problems left to us by the previous government but we've gone one step further by altering every facet of daily life in our bid to assist the nation."
Further observations that the Chancellor looked 'Vacant and emotionally ignorant' failed to dampen his spirits as he left the studio during the broadcasting of a Springwatch 2013 segment to join fellow guest David Tennant in the green room where minutes later raised voices were heard. Eventually the banging and smashes alerted security who broke into the barricaded room to find the couple rough housing amongst a pile of empty Celebration Wrappers.
 |
| Tennant moments before the fight. |
"Backwell back in 2008."
"We got them apart as quickly as we could," commented Security Officer Mick James, "But they were at each others throats. Galaxy Truffle this and see you on the battlefield that. I haven't dealt with anything this nasty since Len Goodman and Bruce Forsyth threw down over a cherry bakewell back in 2008."
"The pair were flustered," claimed presenter Matt Baker, "And we just want to apologise to our viewer for the incident. Thanks to my Blue Peter first aid training I was able to treat David's bruised ego and the Chancellor's ever reddening cheek before matters got out of hand."
Although staff were unable to discover a cause for the hostilities Tennant was eager to protest his innocence as the pair were calmly lead from Broadcasting House, """I'M INNOCENT!!! DOTH NOT THE EYE SEETH TRUTH IN ME??? HISS HISS HISS!!!""" while a more animated Osbourne was furious at the incident, "Boys will be boys and this is nothing more than a bit of light improv that got out of hand. Still no matter how the delivery a challenge is a challenge," but when asked to elaborate neither party could offer any further explanation although runner Claire Hutching witnessed the argument from outside the green room.
"I couldn't hear much through the overacting," she claimed, "But it seemed that there was a dispute about chocolate, which was followed by a lot of swearing and things being thrown around before I distinctly heard the word 'duel' and 'twat' being repeated a number of times.
 |
| Osbourne's duelling gonks. |
"Duels are to be fought."
Parliamentary tradition dictates that all duels are to be fought at first light upon the waters of the river Thames overlooking the Houses of Parliament and in good faith the palace has offered the royal duelling barge to act as the customary vessel.
 |
| Royal duelling barge. |
BBC will be broadcasting the event from 4.30am with kick off at 5.08 after opening coverage from Adrian Chiles and Sue Barker. You can also follow the proceedings on twitter at #twatfight.
Friday 7 June 2013
Limb Found In Sussex
by Shaky Parkinson
An arm belonging to a fifty year old African American male was found outside the Pup and Smut on market street, Eppington yesterday evening. Police are asking the owner to come and collect the limb within the next thirty days or it will be sold at auction.
"It's starting to pong," claimed Constable Brian Blunt of the Eppington Constabulary, "And what with the recent genocide clogging up our evidence room we'd prefer it if the limb was collected sooner rather than later."
This isn't the first instance of missing body parts being found in the area, with two sandalled feet showing up outside Aldi last spring and a rogue torsoe causing confusion during the town's Christmas pageant it is hoped that this isn't the beginning of a trend.
The public can contact the police by telephone.
 |
| Pup and Smut pub, Eppington. |
"It's starting to pong," claimed Constable Brian Blunt of the Eppington Constabulary, "And what with the recent genocide clogging up our evidence room we'd prefer it if the limb was collected sooner rather than later."
This isn't the first instance of missing body parts being found in the area, with two sandalled feet showing up outside Aldi last spring and a rogue torsoe causing confusion during the town's Christmas pageant it is hoped that this isn't the beginning of a trend.
The public can contact the police by telephone.
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