Massacres Necessary Claim Church

by Shaky Parkinson

A typical overcrowded
funeral performance.

The Church have today claimed that although they don't condone the use of violence they were forced to admit that a massacre every now and again is a blessing to their workload.  "We have to be realistic," claimed a representative of the Vatican, "No one is taking up the religious calling anymore.  The seminary's are seeing fewer and fewer applicants and we are frightfully short staffed."

He continued, "The Church has always over seen massacres and put a stop to any excessive killing.  We aren't butchers but if these events must occur we like to get a jump on proceedings and make sure things are done properly.  Frankly a mass burial for a thousand mutilated corpses is a huge time saver.  The average funeral in Florence can take anywhere up to three hours and we simply don't have the man power to deal with these demands."

"Work is hard."

Typical Biblical mass grave.

"There's nothing like a good massacre," claimed Armand Pitt of Grave Digger's association SHOVEL (Spiritual Holing Of Vaults for Extinguished Life), "Work is hard to come by and I'm losing men everyday to the well industry.  We need massacres to keep business flowing.  Even another foot and mouth outbreak would help.  In this economy you have to diversify but there is always room for the classics."

"Being brutally murdered during genocide is horrific," claimed one Cadaver, "So I'm glad that my death is not in vain.  People give the Church a hard time but they do a good job and I'm glad to be doing my bit.  It's not like funerals are hugely important once you're dead and it's nice to see people are becoming educated in these matters."

"We love 'em," cited Crematorium Manager Roger Burnside, "Fire's a good deal more effective than a bunch of worms and nothing screams efficiency like the smell of a thousand burning skeletons.  Death is a busy industry, especially with all this saturated fat about, so we need to maximize our time and efforts on getting rid of these corpse's as soon as they come onto the market."

"Wigan was the scene."

Modern streamlined
mass grave.

Despite widespread support for the practice there have been riots in backlash to today's news.  Church's Solicitors in Wigan was the scene of a firebombing early this afternoon when rioters hit the streets.  The attack left seventeen wounded individuals and three dead.  The resulting visit by a priest was greeted with more outrage when a second riot was instigated that lead to a further six hospital admissions.

"What they don't seem to realise," preached Parish Priest Father. Percy Ray, "Is that their actions are going to result in an extra firing squad shift in India and believe me they are already backed up the shitter.  This chaotic and unorganised violence solves nothing but through the love of Jesus they may at least learn the error of their ways so future priests will be spared the time of another unwanted hospital visit during the rugby."

Arguments have been put forward by numerous charitable organisations in a bid to change religion's stance on mass killing but due to a bad flu outbreak in Surrey and a bake sale in Wisconsin there was no one on hand to respond to the requests.

High Voiced Hijinks

by Shaky Parkinson

R.I.P. you sexy bastard!

Semi-popular comedian Joe Pasquale committed suicide late last night at his London home.  It is believed Pasquale was struggling with mounting depression after a recent voice change operation left him unable to cope with the voice of a normal person. Police are describing the incident as "Hilarious," and have stated their thoughts are with the dent in this years Christmas DVD releases.

"He looked normal."

Friends have said that, "He wasn't his jovial self, had sunk into depression," and "Was suffering from violent mood swings.  On the surface of things he looked normal and we have no idea what triggered his unhappiness."

"Pasquale had just landed a position with the London Opera Company to sing bass," claimed DCIP Superintendent Bottoms of Scotland Yard, "It's a sad loss, but shit happens, I'm sure Joe just wanted to give us all one final laugh.  In a recent interview Pasquale had claimed that, "Although I'm pleased with the new job and the diverse nature my career is taking it has left me an empty shell of a man."

Pasquale on a usual
bender.

We spoke to Timmy Wretch a dedicated Pasquale fan who recently underwent expensive and hugely painful vocal scrapings in a bid to sound more like his hero but his enthusiasm has quickly turned to anger and discontent at the announcement of his hero's death.

"He was planning on reversing."

"It made me feel sick, physically sick.  To do this to his fans was hurtful, selfish and uncool.  Joe's death has shown me that it is foolish to place your faith in people no matter how brilliant they are."  When asked if he was planning on reversing the operation Timmy claimed that due to a lack of funds he would not be pursuing additional surgery.

The nation is saddened by the loss and comedy trust CARE (Comedians Against Rubbish Extermination) has been set up to help care for Pasquale's thirty-three orphaned children.  He also leaves behind a strong comic legacy, numerous memories of happiness and one final joke being that his middle name is Ellis.

*News Guff would like to note that Joe Pasquale is not in fact dead and that the initial reports were just a well-staged joke on part of the comedian.  Although his middle name is actually Ellis.

Signal Dies On Television Remote Control Inventor

by Shaky Parkinson

The man himself.

The inventor of the first television remote control is claimed to have passed away on Sunday, say his former employers Zenith Electronics.  "We think he's dead, it came as a bit of a shock to hear it but we can safely say that he is gone.  We think." claimed Zenith CEO Michael Ahn, "This man was a true pioneer of the American way of life and without him we'd not be doing so financially well.  If anyone has any thoughts, condolences or indeed any light hearted puns be sure to send them to our admin team and we'll get on circulating them ASAP.  It's the least we can do."

Eugene Polly began work as an engineer way back in the War times but didn't cause much fuss until his 1955 invention the 'Flashmatic' used light and imagination to shot a wireless signal across the room to alter the state of the users television from on to off.

The awesome Zenith
Flashmatic. 

"Sweet gun."

Despite the invention being temperamental and prone to failure its sweet gun like design proved popular with the American mass market and Polly was always keen to receive his admiration whenever possible.

We spoke to Polly's former colleague and developer of the 1956 'Zenith Space Commander 600', Robert Adler.  "Polly was a joke, that bloody 'Flashmatic' was a piece of pants and he knew it.  The damn thing didn't work.  It only took a bit of sunlight on the receiver and the television would switch off or even on.  I was developing the 'Space Commander' way back when the 'Lazy Bones' was being conceived.  This title he's been given is far from accurate.  The 'Lazy Bones' was the original remote, it just wasn't wireless and got sidelined after the unsightly cable caused a few clumsy deaths.  Then again that's the consumer for you, memory like a sieve and an imagination like a photocopier.  I was the true inventor of the wireless television remote control!"

The equally sexy Zenith
Space Commander 600.

Regardless of past paragraphs Eugene Polly spent his 96 years on earth changing everyone's life and without his efforts people would still be getting up to change the channel to this day.  What a chap.

90% Of Other Eye Drops Miss

by Shaky Parkinson (in association with Pink Eye, the number one cuddly treatment for blotched eyes)

Dr. Robert Hall and Professor Arthur Oates have today published the results of their fifteen-year study into the rate of eye-drop wastage in the United Kingdom.  The paper, dubbed 'Private Eyes' is being held as startling and revolutionary by the pharmaceutical industry and could change the way we use eye-drops in the future.

"Over fifteen thousand tonnes of eye-drops were used in the experiment and our results are so close," beamed Hall.  "It's great being able to do what you want, be who you are and make a difference," chimed Oates.

"Pink Eye is radical!"

"If there were any other leading brands I could say so, but because Pink Eye is radical and efficient, a promise ain't enough and you have our word that when running from paradise you'll have one on one vision that won't disappoint," claimed Pink Executive Sara Smile.

Despite large amounts of praise some groups are unhappy with the research.  Optician Ralph Lense was quick to voice his opinion, "Ignore that Sara Smile she's just a maneater, all she's interested in is possession, obsession and downtown life.  Quite frankly this research is nothing new.  Just because you put something to paper doesn't mean the idea and knowledge wasn't everywhere I look.  I feel this is a missed opportunity in adult education where instead of blaming people for inadvertently squandering their medicine we can let love take control and help people to eliminate eye disease."

Man demonstrates how not to
use eye drops.

The report claims that up to, around and even exceeding 18billion drops are missed each year, which accounts for up to, around and even exceeding 90% of all drops dropped in a given year and that shows people are very much out of touch with their droppings.

"Secretary Andrew."

"We've been talking all night and have decided to instigate a nationwide program that will inform and educate the general public on the application of eye drops to bring us back together again to a place where such vast amounts of costly medicine aren't being wasted," cited Health Secretary Andrew Lansley.

Even still the problems facing the eye-drop user continue to wreak havoc on the nation.  "Their has to be a more efficient way of relieving eye pain," stated florist Peter Potter, "Romeo is bleeding out the back and I've had to throw the roses away.  This problem effects us all as a nation, the statistics might be true but they aren't providing a solution and I can't go for that, no can do.  I'm not a rich girl who can nip off to a clinic for some laser treatment, something needs to be done.  That's why I've started using Pink Eye, it's the first kiss on my list when I think of eye strain, now I can drive my getaway car, I mean florist van without any jingle bell rock."

Other comments from eye-drop users shed a different opinion on their usage, such as one statement from an Anonymous Jerk.  "I'm just a family man who likes Italian girls.  It's uncanny, I'm a man on a mission and that mission was my droppings.  I was unsure at first but I did it in a minute with the portable radio playing in the background.  It's easy, just hold onto yourself and squeeze, it's a laugh, but then again who said the world was fair?

Use Pink Eye to avoid
demon spawn.

"Things are a bugger."

"I don't care what people say," claimed an Irate Citizen, "The reason for this vast wastage is that these things are a bugger to operate.  You either get a soggy eyelash or miniature drowning.  I say deal with it and if that doesn't work use the method of modern love and get an eye patch."

Despite today's research it is thought that any change in current eye-drop design will take years to implement and although some things are better left unsaid the possibility of gels, creams and even transplants are all potential possibilities that have been put forward by the medical community in its fight against eye-drop wastage.

So if you've lost that lovin' feeling and everything your heart desires.  If you feel out of touch (remix) and the sky is falling, say it isn't so because I'll be around to help.  Pink Eye, forever for you.

Shadow Education Secretary Promotes Eastern Teaching Techniques

by Shaky Parkinson

Shadow Education Secretary Stephen Twigg has today stated that the British Education system is not only dated but needs a change in approach if it is going to improve performance.

In a press conference at Shadow Downing Street Twigg likened the current state of schools as Victorian and was keen to highlight that nothing has changed since such times.  "The Labour Party is dedicated (Cough!) to education.  It is our number one (Cough!) priority and we see it as an area that needs rapid investment."

"Staff the country."

He went onto to praise Eastern education specifically the lesson planning system known to all teachers as jugyou kenkyuu (You can fuck right off), a system of planning that utilises the highly paid and numerous underworked teaching staff the country has its disposal by giving them less time with their students and more time in meetings with other like minded colleagues.

"It's a good system," beamed Twigg, "I cannot see any problems with this.  I've heard criticism that it may cost money, but that is tosh, there's money everywhere so it shouldn't be hard to organise.  But it's not just these lesson plans I'm keen on.  I've watched a series of promotional videos produced by renowned director Kinji Fukasaku and it is clear that on the international playing field British students are not as disciplined as those in Korea or Japan.  We've got a lot of work to do."

"The Victorians had it bad."

Not Nick Griffin MP Stephen Twigg

Teachers have been instant of their criticism of Twigg's propositions.  History teacher Kingston Waffle was keen to explain, "There is nothing wrong with our teaching system, the problem lies with the students and the barriers we face in dealing with them, namely the hitting one and the not being able to fail them one.  And who's to say the Victorians had it bad?  You would think a system that mirrored the greatest period in the British Empire would be good enough for today's dullards.  I teach in a three hundred year old school so does that mean my students will all graduate as P.E. Teachers?"

"He's wrong," voxed Headmaster Reginald Peterson, "Just plain old wrong.  I can't make it any simpler."

When asked why there was no improvement in the education system during Labour's last three terms and why the Party was so strongly offended by a system that seems to have been working for over a century it appeared Twigg had stepped out for a class of water.