New Weather Controlling App Prone To Glitches

by Shaky Parkinson

Last week saw the release of the Apple Store's long awaited Weather App.  Users of the app are given complete control of their surrounding environment through a user friendly interface.  Despite huge success the new app has come fully equipped with numerous glitches that have left authorities and meteorologists inundated with reports of bizarre weather patterns and shocking incidents.

The problems were first noted minutes after the app went live with several freak hurricanes instantly hitting Hull town centre while further north the Outer Hebrides experienced soaring temperatures that were completely uncharacteristic of the spring months.

"I'd forgotten what it felt like."

"It's a bloody marvel," claimed tweed worker Angus McMac, "What with the rising ferry costs I've been stuck on this fucking island for almost a decade and I've had to endure storms the likes of which most people can only imagine, but this new app has changed all that.  I'd forgotten what it felt like to be warm."

Other users haven't been so lucky with Skye receiving mixed blessings when their Internet connection was lost after their plans for an early summer burnt through the islands telephone cables.  "It could be months before it's fixed," claimed a BT Engineer, "There's over fifty meters of cabling that needs checking as well as parts and some other stuff.  They'll just have to live without the weather for a few months."

Touch screen interface lets you
swirl up your own typhoons.

"It's outrageous," claimed Dunvegan resident Duff McAngus, "We can't go without this new app.  It's been with us too long to switch back to past times, we cannot cope.  It isn't natural."

"Overground trains have become common place."

Problems have been reported from around the globe.  The epicentres of which are dense urban areas such as Hong Kong, Tokyo and London.  Reports of mass drownings on Japanese overground trains have become common place and on street glitching has lead to several deaths in the British Capital alone.

"It was horrific," claimed bystander Joe Bloggs, "You could see it happening but it was too late to change it.  These two business woman were strolling down Tottenham Court Road with their faces buried in their iPhones surrounded by a refreshing breeze, when they collided causing a miniature hurricane that took out three historic buildings, eighteen pedestrians and the new underground development.  There were body parts everywhere and the whole place was in chaos.  It makes you think doesn't it?"

The Northwest Territories were witness to freak bouts of weather upsets that saw rain, sleet, fog, sunshine, frogs, snow and tropical thunderstorms afflicting many towns in a matter of minutes.

Chaos in Manhatten after people
rally against a hose pipe ban.

"Nature just can't handle this sort of usage," cited Meteorologist David Wind, "If people can't use their powers for the greater good then we are as good as fucked.  We advise anyone who has absolutely no trust in smart-phones or their users to flee into the hills as quickly as possible."

"Patio furniture might be selling."

Industry has been the hardest hit with farmer's claiming massive crop yields and simultaneous harvest failures over many fields while the travel and holiday industry have been virtually wiped out overnight.  "No one is travelling abroad right now because they are bringing the weather to their gardens.  Patio furniture might be selling through the roof but we have been forced to rely on fascinated Japanese tourists just to get us through the week.  It's a hard time."

Downtown Coventry.

The problems afflicting the nation have also been seen on the digital arena with a hacker alert already in place when the online games' software was hit by a spam virus that caused penis enlargement letters to rain in volumes across the world, thus heavily stretching local recycling pick-ups that were forced to recruit from travel agencies to clear the debris.

The app's developers FLEECE inc. were unavailable for comment as they were snowed in to their Dubai offices but petitions have been flooding into Downing Street to ban the application for mass personal usage to be replaced with a time share system that would see only minimal weather fluctuations and curb any further unnatural abuse.

New Sims Expansion Pack Let's You Control Yourself

by Shaky Parkinson

EA's most anticipated Sims expansion pack hit gaming retailers today.  Sims You lets the player control and interact with themselves while offering improved graphics and game play.  The game has already sold ten million copies worldwide and is set to break all gaming records to date.

"I can't believe it," says Swindon gaming outlet, GamePlay, "I've gone through four thousand copies already.  This bad boy is selling in droves, people are clearly unhappy with their lives and are turning to gaming to fill the void."

"Sexual health has many gamers absorbed."

The game that allows players to experience crowded commuter transport, overpriced lettuce and failing sexual health has many gamers absorbed with some management companies infiltrating the games in a desperate bid to dish out work to their employees.

"We haven't seen a sickie binge like this since World of Warcraft hit the shelves," claimed John Boss, CEO of business management consultants ERGHHHHH, "I'm down to three people in the office and frankly the quality of the tea is being drastically effected."

Despite criticism gamers are flocking to their local video game retailer causing queues of up to four and a half miles in length.  Long time lay about Danny Faff was ecstatic about the games' release, "It's the best Sims game yet.  It's just so interactive.  A little food icon appears and bam, I'm down stairs eating a sandwich.  It's unreal."

Improved graphics add to realistic
gaming experience.

"It's a tricky game," commented another Gamer, "So far I've logged 215 gaming hours and I'm still stuck in the dole queue.  It's difficult but I've played more challenging games.  This is hardly Turok 2.  I think I'm going to make myself a rock star or maybe a porn director."

"Shame the toilet."

"It's bitchin'," said another Fan, "The graphics are insanely realistic and the perving in this version is so much more fun.  It's a shame the toilet breaks take more time but I'm loving it.  I don't usually buy games when they first come out but this was totally worth the two hundred pounds I paid for it.  I even got the special edition where your character gets a free hat.  Pretty cool huh?"

The game that has been in development for upwards of three months is set to be the jewel in the EA crown and has already elevated their status as the worlds biggest gaming company to even loftier heights.  

"We just wanted to create a thoroughly realistic game," claimed an EA Executive, "And what is more realistic than playing yourself?  Even I've started playing the game.  Usually I don't dabble with computer games because of my grueling work schedule but after playing Sims You I'd happily change my mind.  I've gotten a monster truck, ten wives and I'm head of the world's biggest games distributor, for a novice I'm doing very well, things are just on the up for me at the moment."

Such enthusiasm has created a wave of excitement that is putting extreme pressure on production.  "We just can't get this game out quick enough to fulfill demand," continued the EA Executive, "We've had to hold off deliveries to Scotland until next month and they are our biggest demographic.  We've already opened up a further seventeen processing plants with many of our gamers getting first dibs at employment but even that isn't enough.  People want to live their lives and we just can't make that happen for everyone."

"Outlook is bleak."

Typical property available in
the game.

The lack of stock has caused many gamers to descend into drug abuse and shy away from all forms of social interaction.  Laura Chuff of Bangor was one of the few teenagers in her town unable to get a copy of the game.  "I feel shunned," she sobbed, "I've been having a terrible time of it and have resorted to drinking myself through each day.  I've been asking a friend of mine to use her game to check if our local GAME has any more copies in stock but the outlook is bleak.  I just want to be myself."

Coupled with these problems are the decreasing social values that are being demonstrated by gamers online.  We've already seen wars, theft and bad language being used far too often," claimed Gaming Activist Patricia Fluff, "The death rate is enormous with our figures showing a lost life every three seconds.  Even though new gamers are balancing out the statistics we are still seeing a massive loss of life."

Regardless of the dangers and controversy EA is set to release a sequel to the special edition expansion pack tomorrow.  As of yet the content is being kept a closely guarded secret leaving industry experts to speculate as to where the gaming world is going to be taken next.

Man Invents Superior Water

by Shaky Parkinson

New miracle substance.

Local man Arthur Sack has momentarily stunned the scientific world with his discovery of superior water.  The new water is said to be better than normal water by offering the drinker more hydration, refreshment and clarity.

"I've been tinkering around with this for about a week," beamed Sack, "It's pretty easy when you think about it.   I simply added an extra number to change water from H2O into H3O to give it that extra kick.  The extra number makes it more oxidizing and stuff."

"This Sack."

Leading scientists were quick to criticise the discovery.  "We've all thought about super water," claimed biochemist Rebecca Plant, "But it is an impossible achievement.  First there's the ratification across all the scientific boards and then the copyrighting and as far as we can make out H3O already exists.  It's all about hydronium ions mixing with water and stuff, so this Sack can't possibly be telling the truth."

Undeterred Sack was keen to offer himself up for a press conference earlier this afternoon.  "My new super water is one better than normal water and three times better than Water from the Oxford basin or the continent.  It will make crops grow faster and taste better and the world will be a happier place all round."  

Sack's press conference.

When asked about his distribution plans Sack was not very forthcoming and refused to elaborate on his projects too much.  "The way I see it is like this.  We need to begin a hydroinstigated upgrade across all seven oceans with a long-term goal to have the entire globe running super water by 2024.  It's ambitious but then again this is an ambitious step for mankind.  That I came up with.  Me, a Sack, changing the world.  If only my dad could see me now, but the bugger refuses to go digital and hasn't used a telephone in over thirty years."

"He was sat on the toilet."

After the silence had abated journalists were quick to ask the question that was on everyone's lips, "How does super water actually work and how did you get the inspiration for it?"  Sack went onto explain that his discovery had come to him while he was sat on the toilet.  "This thought was even more profound than usual, I guess," he explained, "In a way I've been blessed with such knowledge and I plan to share my fluid with the world."

Sack was quick to establish to the press a fully signed distribution deal with Perrier in hopes that super water will be on the shelves by June.  Although which June was unspecified.

Man Elects Himself As Nations' Biggest Twat

by Shaky Parkinson

Imminent world improvement
narrowly avoided.

Struggling introvert Trenton Oldfield has today pulled off the greatest feet of twattyness in all of history by pissing on the nation he calls home.  Trenton (soon to be known and ridiculed as 'That Twat') was today found swimming in the river Thames lying in wait to sabotage the University Boat Race that was subsequently won by Cambridge.

After ten minutes of rowing both teams were in joint first until the race was halted when That Twat decided to obstruct passage with a feeble and self-centred protest.  "I had a point to make," he gassed, "And that is that I need to be seen more and people need to talk about me and I need to be the centre of everything.  Who cares about a silly race, I was the real prize and now millions of lives will be changed because of me. I feel pretty special."

"THAT TWAT!"

That Twat's obstruction of the race lead to a thirty-one minute halt and a restart at the halfway line in which Oxford rower Hanno Wienhausen broke an oar when it became tangled with that of their rivals.  From then on the race became an eight vs. seven affair and it was clear there would only be one winner.

"That Twat has ruined seven months worth of work and planning," stated Oxford University Boat Club President, Karl Hudspith, "This colossal bellend and Cunt has taken away everything we have trained for.  This is the culmination of our careers and he has taken it from us. You may be the Nation's Biggest Twat, but you can still bleed bitch."

"THAT TWAT!"

That Twat, ecstatic at his pole
clinging performance.  

"I didn't do anything wrong," blamed That Cunt, "I was just out looking for a good seat right in front of the cameras, so it's not my fault if I got in the way.  Life is a game and now I'm winning.  Being the Nation's Biggest Twat is going to open up some doors."

"Twat!" comment race umpire John Garrett.

"Cunt!" stated officer Sergeant Chris Tranter.

"Puss ridden bellend!" indicated Oxford Coach Sean Bowden.

"Twat!" added Oxford bow Alexander Woods.

That Twat is currently under questioning while the fullest extent of the law is researched.  "We are currently working on the hypothesis that execution is illegal," claimed Judge Paul Girth, "But don't fear we've got some crack lawyers working on this case and we're confident a satisfactory result can be achieved."

Monitored Email Shows Plans To Monitor Emails

by Shaky Parkinson

GCHQ were shocked today when they located an email from the Home Office outlining a new bill that would see them gain powers to legally monitor the Internet activity of the British public.  The proposed legislation that would see GCHQ obtaining all Internet and electronic communication activity of anyone living within the British Isles saw light under the Labour regime but was forced down after strong protest from rights activists and both Conservative and Liberal Democrat parties.  Despite strong objections from Tory MP's such as David Davis the coalition's latest suicide attempt is proving none to popular with the electorate and a plea for sense is being offered by activists to talk them down.

"We were just snooping around the Home Office data banks and this turned up," claimed shock GCHQ employee A.A. Anonymous, "It's great, now I can check up on anyone and have a good old perve.  Hopefully it'll work internally as well because Karen in accounts has some saucy pictures on her phone she won't show me but now she doesn't have to."

"I'm not ashamed of viewing gay midget fantasy porn."

"Frankly this legislation is absurd," fumed Anna Sour, leader of UK Rights Group and Anti-Cannibal organisation T.O.U.G.H (The Outrageous Unfair Grilling of Humans), "Fair enough it might catch us a terror suspect or two but I don't want to fork out billions of pounds we can't afford to waste, only so marketing companies can gain access to my porn viewing habits.  I'm not ashamed of viewing gay midget fantasy porn but there are certain social stigma's attached to such material that could lose me a friend or two.  It's bad form."

"I've got nothing to hide," beamed Mr. William Plug of Chorley Wood, "And if proving that you can't find out my hidden agenda's, which I don't have because I'm better than everyone else means signing off everyone else's liberties then so be it.  That's their problem."

GCHQ Cheltenham, or is it?

We also spoke to concerned housewife Margaret Smudge of Cheltenham, "My husband works down the road at GCHQ and if he finds out that I've done our life's savings into GoBingo.com our marriage is as good as over.  Not only that but the Internet dating websites and online affair forums are certainly going to prove difficult.  He's suspicious as it is but without this bill he can't really check up on me but who knows what will happen if he gets these super powers."

"What other choices do we have?"

"Up until now we've been relying solely on phone tapping, interrogation and torture to get what we want," claimed MI5 Director General Jonathan Evans, "Frankly we need a twenty-first century solution to a twenty-first century problem.  At present the 'clear history' feature of all Internet browsers is crippling us.  We haven't caught a terror suspect in months and I'm struggling to fill my quotas.  I cannot see any other solution to ridding the world of global and domestic terrorism than this legislation.  Sure it's flawed, sure it's open to hackers, spies and pretty much anyone clever enough to swindle a key card out of a ninety year old security officer but what other choices do we have?"

It is thought the Queen is to give a shout out to the legislation in her next speech but even if the Monarch does give the bill a thumbs up the process will still take it through the House of Commons and the House of Lords where many critics are hoping that the bill will fail.