Man Elects Himself As Nations' Biggest Twat

by Shaky Parkinson

Imminent world improvement
narrowly avoided.

Struggling introvert Trenton Oldfield has today pulled off the greatest feet of twattyness in all of history by pissing on the nation he calls home.  Trenton (soon to be known and ridiculed as 'That Twat') was today found swimming in the river Thames lying in wait to sabotage the University Boat Race that was subsequently won by Cambridge.

After ten minutes of rowing both teams were in joint first until the race was halted when That Twat decided to obstruct passage with a feeble and self-centred protest.  "I had a point to make," he gassed, "And that is that I need to be seen more and people need to talk about me and I need to be the centre of everything.  Who cares about a silly race, I was the real prize and now millions of lives will be changed because of me. I feel pretty special."

"THAT TWAT!"

That Twat's obstruction of the race lead to a thirty-one minute halt and a restart at the halfway line in which Oxford rower Hanno Wienhausen broke an oar when it became tangled with that of their rivals.  From then on the race became an eight vs. seven affair and it was clear there would only be one winner.

"That Twat has ruined seven months worth of work and planning," stated Oxford University Boat Club President, Karl Hudspith, "This colossal bellend and Cunt has taken away everything we have trained for.  This is the culmination of our careers and he has taken it from us. You may be the Nation's Biggest Twat, but you can still bleed bitch."

"THAT TWAT!"

That Twat, ecstatic at his pole
clinging performance.  

"I didn't do anything wrong," blamed That Cunt, "I was just out looking for a good seat right in front of the cameras, so it's not my fault if I got in the way.  Life is a game and now I'm winning.  Being the Nation's Biggest Twat is going to open up some doors."

"Twat!" comment race umpire John Garrett.

"Cunt!" stated officer Sergeant Chris Tranter.

"Puss ridden bellend!" indicated Oxford Coach Sean Bowden.

"Twat!" added Oxford bow Alexander Woods.

That Twat is currently under questioning while the fullest extent of the law is researched.  "We are currently working on the hypothesis that execution is illegal," claimed Judge Paul Girth, "But don't fear we've got some crack lawyers working on this case and we're confident a satisfactory result can be achieved."