Angry Birds Cause Disdain

by Shaky Parkinson (Tanned like a burnt peach)

The release of the latest installment of the Angry Birds franchise has left filing uncompleted and Microsoft in tears.  With a new space themed development, Angry Birds: Space has sold over ten million downloads in its first three days of sale.  Yet a bitter Microsoft were seemingly unhappy with the millions of occupied faces across the globe claiming, "This game features too many adverts and that drains batteries on peoples thingy's and because we haven't made any cash off this thing it's a fucking disgrace."

Angry Birds developer Rovio tweeted a response claiming sour grapes but were shot down when Microsoft countered with a cease and desist, citing mental torment as the reason for the injunction.  "We don't like to be made fun of or deal with suffering.  We try not to inflict misery on the world but when it comes to battery life we can't hold our tongue."

In a CO-authored report in which Microsoft didn't make these claims themselves, they blame advertising based apps as being a drain on the battery life of mobile entertainment products with such outlandish claims that adverts can sap up to 75% of battery power.

"The figures speak for themselves," claims Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, "It's so lame.  People are blissfully unaware of just how much money they are ploughing into someone else's pocket and then some.  It's going to take a toll on their battery life and it's something we're taking a serious interest in."

When asked for a statement Rovio commented, "What the fuck are they whinging about now?  Can't they just leave us Finns alone.  We won this one and they didn't, tough break, this battery life talk is shi.................  Sorry my phone just died, where's was I?  Advertising won't drain anything except Microsoft's profits and share in the gaming app marketplace.  Who cares I'm off to go wash my massive Scandinavian cock in some champagne.  Who'd have thought it.  Angry birds.  What a fluke."

Consumer Helpline advisor Nick Dial was on hand to offer us some advice, "Adverts are the way of the world, whether its a smooth glass of Jack Daniels or a bite of the country's favourite Cathedral City cheese don't you think a short battery life is a small price to pay for such lasting happiness?  Do you?"

Microsoft have caused a lot of anger with the publication of their CO-report and even with battery lives running dangerously low it seems the world will not be turning their attention from the six new birds available in the most popular gaming app of all time.

Internal Memo: News Guff Spring Holiday Checklist

To All Staff,

I've just gotten off the blower with my agent and he's booked us a cracking two week cruise around the mid-Atlantic, booze included but we'll have to bring our own loo roll.  The boat leaves Portsmouth at a prompt 2pm so I expect you there no later than half-past.  Below is a checklist of things to sort in the office before we go and bon voyage.

- Take up the rubbish.
- Call the asbestos guy.
- Call the asbestos asbestos guy.
- Renew all passports (I'm not spending another week in an Icelandic jail, the reception was cold).
- Turn off the cheese toastie machine.
- Probably best to turn everything off except the calendars.
- Wash the dog, at least he won't be too bad to clean when we get back.
- Feed the pigeons, tuppence a bag.
- Go to print.
- Locate my alarm clock, I'm sick of missing shuffleboard.
- Sort out Robbins' prescription, the pharmacy on board will be light at best and I don't want another Gibralta incident.
- Call the asbestos guy.
- Re-frost the freezer.  We all know the tradition but frankly I seem to be the only one who cares.  The man died for Christ's Sake!
- Call the asbestos guy.

Happy sailing,

Shaky P.


P.S. Robbins, if you get a chance take that damn leopard print bikini out of Jack's bag and burn it otherwise it'll be you who has to get him out of the brig.  I'm still going through the motions from our '96 fishing trip to Utah so if anything goes wrong it's your turn to sort it out.  That's why I'm making you his travel buddy so don't let him out of your sight even for a minute.  And yes that even means when he's on the shitter, you know what he's like.

Cycling Protest Infiltrated By Nudist Movement

by Shaky Parkinson

A protest to highlight the poor road conditions faced by cyclists in the Peruvian capital Lima was today hijacked by a colony of nudists.  500 cyclists were seen blocking up major roads in a bid to show the unsafe conditions faced by the road users everyday when the cavalcade was joined by a large number of nudists who thought the demonstration was an unscheduled nudist rally.

From what we can gather the nudists had taken the scantily clad cyclists, who were showing a symbolic use of their skin to demonstrate their lack of metallic defences when faced against heavy traffic, and assumed it was an outing for their cause.

"We were happy to help," commented protest organiser, Pablo Pablo, "The more the merrier, frankly nudism is a major problem in Peru, the public's repressed stance is standing in the way of the pastime's acceptance into the mainstream so we were glad to be of service."

He continued, "If anything, their extreme dedication only furthered our message.  Most of our lads were a bit shy with going the full hog because a 30mph wind can prove less than flattering but these guys were just happy to be out and the air of bravado really brought in the crowds."

"We really got our message out there," claimed nudist, Sanchez Sanchez, "Despite our mistake things went down well and we really made headway with our mission.  It was just a happy ending to a great outing and we're thinking of making it an annual event.  Hopefully the Government will take notice of what we were getting up to and sort out these cycling lane issues."

The protest proved a shocker out on the streets with much disdain and also praise being levelled at the movement.  "Bottom line," claimed Pablo, "Is that I just want to go to work and not have worry about getting killed and I don't think that is too much to ask.  Today we've witnessed a lot of love and some good vibes and frankly we're hoping this message will rub off onto our nation's politicians."

Peruvian Prime Minister Oscar Valdes was unable to comment but his aids said he was giving the matter some deep thought.

Investigation After More Tosser's Win The Lottery

by Shaky Parkinson

Tosser's

An investigation by Scotland Yard has been set into motion after another lottery victor turns out to be a tosser.  George Keates, a 77 year-old great grandfather became a millionaire on Wednesday after purchasing his tenth Lotto ticket.  Despite a life of hardship with Mr. Keates being made redundant from three different jobs Mr. and Mrs. Keates plan to spend their money wisely with a new home, car and holiday.

However the shock announcement has caught the attention of Scotland Yard who have been monitoring the activity of The Lottery winners since a teenager found a winning ticket underneath a cum stained pizza box after his mother yelled at him to tidy his room.  Coupled with the fourth UK Euromillions winner in as many months the police are on high alert and plan to "Take down this sordid affair".

"It's really not on," claimed Detective Inspector Pete Ramble, "We've built up a society where tosser's are systematically forced to its fringes and then these people come along out of nowhere and are given millions of pounds as reward for nothing.  It makes a mockery of life and it's painfully unfair."

He continued, "As of yet we have no conclusive evidence that these tosser's are doing anything illegal.  On the surface it seems like they re just purchasing tickets and winning big but frankly that doesn't sound right."

Lottery expert and statistic professor William Shankly commented, "This is all a wild herring chase and there is no reason to believe anything untoward is going on.  By my research it is safe to say that 99% of all lottery winners and indeed players are tosser's.  It's just a numbers game."

Either way the witch-hunt has been put into motion with thousands of irate players ringing into their local police stations to complain about the tosser's.  "This guy's had it so bad has he," cited one Callee, "At least he had three jobs, I'm fresh out of university and frankly I'm fucked.  If I'd known I'd never get to use my degree I'd have stayed at blockbusters, shit I could've been running it by now.  This dude bought ten fucking tickets.  I've been doing this shit since day one and I've only won a tenner.  I'm sick of all these tosser's winning the Lottery."

The Tosser Enquiry is set to present its findings later this month and Scotland Yard's proposed ban on any Lottery based events have been denied, so until that date it is safe to say that tossers will be winning the Lottery all over the place.  Yet the nation will be waiting to see the outcome of the investigation to see if it is just coincidence that tosser's keep winning the Lottery or not.

Man Wakes Up After 6,000 Year Coma

by Shaky Parkinson

Dennis with his flash agent
Flash. 

Accountant and part-time Reese Witherspoon lookalike Dennis Bradshaw has today woken up after being in a coma for 6,000 years.  Dennis slipped into a stressed induced comatose state after a nasty land debate with some fellow hunter gatherers in the early bronze age but came too this morning when his alarm was uncovered at a nearby archaeological dig.

"I suppose a land argument was pretty trivial but that's all we had back then, that and hairy copulation," enunciated Bradshaw, "This neighbour of mine Pete, we called him Pete 'cos it was short for Peter, had moved his fence a couple of feet into my garden.  The whole situation was absurd, there were several thousand acres of untouched countryside on the other side of his garden but he was just out for the spite.  I must seem like a simple soul arguing over such a stupid thing but it was a different time."

Scientists, Archaeologists and Descendants from around the world have been flown into Wiltshire General for a chance to speak with Dennis.  "This man is a miracle," claimed renowned gynaecologist Dr.  P. Ervy, "It is highly unusual for a patient in such a deep coma to wake up after such prolonged sleep."

"We're very excited," beamed Medical Scientist Doctor, Judith Tosh, "We're hoping that Dennis will be able to answer many of our questions such as, what is it like being in a coma, what was his best dream and what does he think of the iPad3.  I'm ecstatic."

"All this attention is very flattering," claimed Dennis, "I've been awake for twenty minutes and I've seen more people in the last ten minutes than I did in my entire life.  I've already skimmed through your history books and it is more or less perfectly accurate as far as I can remember.  Then again I was a heavy drinker and this is what lead to the break down of my union with Jennifer.  'Stop dragging mud into the roundhouse, no deer blood on the sheep carcasses', I mean is it any wonder I turned hit the liquor?  No mud in the roundhouse I tell you, there's mud everywhere, please tell me things are better now and it's all gone."

Bradshaw's residence, lying untouched
in the Swindon suburbs and
currently housing the
Wilshire Chicken Museum.

When asked what he thought of the modern world Dennis was eager to express his thoughts, "It's pretty much the same just a little more shiny and bizarre, frankly I'm not enjoying it very much.  Imagine waking up from the best sleep anyone has ever experienced to see a repeat of 'Cash In The Attic' starring back at you.  It nearly sent me back under."

After the press conference we spoke to Dennis' agent Tom Flash, "He's going to be big, massive, huge, enormous, like my vocabulary.  We've already signed a book deal that'll blow that Rowling bint out of the water and Dennis is already scheduled to take over from Judith Keppel on Eggheads.  I'm stunned with excitement, joy, happiness."

"I think it's a disgrace," screamed one Protester from their camp outside the hospital, "This is just another case of the Government giving another freeloader an easy ride.  He hasn't paid any tax since 4012 B.C. and going by inflation that amounts to nothing more than a gesture of goodwill and who has to front the bill for his medical costs.  Us and possibly mostly everyone else."

Alas the party didn't last too long as an unmonitored Bradshaw was able to asses the remote control and accidentally switched himself over to 'Sherlock' and was found seconds later banging his head repeatedly on the wall in a successful attempt at re-inducing his comatose state.

"It's a sad day for money," sobbed Flash, "He'll be forgotten but never missed."