Staff Memo: Where's My Front Page Bitches?

Dear All,

I understand that winter is with us but unfortunately the news doesn't mirror the pace of National Rail and if we don't get something to press soon we're fucked.  I've got the IRS up my arse claiming that we owe them something called taxes and they are threatening to get rid of Champagne Thursday as it apparently counts as a luxury and can't be classified under running costs.  Personally I'd like to see them run a newspaper without it and the sad thing is I might get my wish.

Just because heaven is going through a Head and Shoulders shortage doesn't mean the news gets any less important.  If I can get in from Alaska then you lot have no excuse.  I mean Jesus Goodgame you live in the basement and Jack, think up something better.  Coming from Robbins I'd be less skeptical but I'm not buying the suggestion that you were mortally wounded by a rogue Scottish Ninja off the Balham High Road.

Chris you have telepathic powers so even if your Internet is out you can at least beam me over a horoscope or two and Douglas, I know you're touchy about them but I've seen those paw like feet you're rocking and if they aren't snow friendly then nothing is.  Just chalk this one up as a disabled win and get cracking on this economic terminology:

1) Revenue
2) Stocks (That's with a 't' I'm not a complete moron)
3) Extravagance
4) Jail

Bottom line if you're not going to brave the weather for me at least do it for the readers.  How are they going to give credence to their anger without a few conflicting facts behind them?


Yours Forever,

Shaky xxx

UK Prepares For Mid-Week Sickie

by Shaky Parkinson

Extreme weather warnings from the Met Office have caused employers to expect a huge rise in absenteeism in the coming week.  With the country heading into a yellow warning due to an increase in temperature in the stratosphere the UK could expect an excuse of -2C freezing, causing minimal amounts of ice and slush to hit the roads.

"It's the weather we've been waiting for," claimed Daniel Pierce of the Met Office, "Personally I found a damp cloudy Christmas wasn't good enough, so it is with belated joy we can claim that in the coming days we are expecting roughly 5cm of snow to fall on the highest points in the UK that will result in a fatal sleet and slush combo in most low lying areas.  With the recent global warming figures hot off the press we will happily be debunking any doubting farts by braving all in our thermals for a snowball fight at Henley Golf Course at a prompt 6am start on Tuesday morning."

"We can to make sure."

The Highways Agency were quick to reassure the public by stating, "There is enough salt for us to see out the winter.  However, the chips might be a problem with the findings of a contaminated potato storage lock up in East London.  We are doing all we can to make sure that the public get what they need to help them through this potentially exciting time."

Science?

Despite the reassurance of Government and institutions alike the public flew straight into panic mode with supermarkets undergoing a rush for booze, snacks and reduced mince pies.  "It's been chaos," spoke supermarket greeter Richard Ace, "The beer aisle is completely empty and we're running desperately low on Jacob's Creek.  As for crisps you won't get a pack of Walker's this side of Leicester."

The chance of a five day weekend also fueled the firebombing of a grit depot in Maidenhead, which saw a score of workers badly burned with salt in their wounds.  To coincide with the holiday ITV also underwent a massive scheduling change by advertising a mid-week Harry Potter film marathon that has left next Saturday's evening programming open to perilous amounts of Ant and Dec.

"Further."

"We're practically slaves," claimed one Scottish retail worker, "These company's just want more and more from you, they don't regard you as people and abuse your generous nature and hard work to reduce staff and exploit you further.  They may be able to take our health, time and freedom but they will NEVER TAKE OUR WEATHER!!!"

Prediction of Monday's rush hour.

Despite widespread enthusiasm many skeptics have come out to argue the statistics such as London banker Rectum Will, "The general public have once again shown themselves to be a pack of fools.  I'd like a day off as much as the next person but false optimism is not the answer.  We all know that the Met Office have proven time and time again that they cannot actually predict the weather beyond a shaky seven minute time frame and if people want to risk their jobs on loose findings then that is up to them.  What with the huge levels of anger, frustration and aggression being furthered by corporate rape and a failing economy we need to plough on regardless of these issues."

Other critics were also vocal on the subject but having given them one paragraph we thought that covers us and so the country waits to see if Monday's hangover will be as easy to manage as they hope.

'Gategate': Scandal Exclusive

by Shaky Parkinson

Semi-reliable sources inside Downing Street have leaked formally exclusive information about the property damage suffered by Conservative MP for Kinky Heath, Sebastian Flick during the attack on his home late last Thursday.  What Police were originally calling a 'Gate' Crime perpetrated by a band of drunkards is rapidly being attributed to an ongoing Parliamentary war between two opposing factions within the two main political parties.

At 11.15pm on Thursday, security cameras outside Mr. Flick's Surrey home captured a lone figure as he used human excrement, spray paint and a vast array of low budget cinnamon sticks to smear graffiti and discriminatory slogans on Flick's front gate including phrases such as 'Blue Cross Sale: 15% Reduction In All Tory Support' and the not so witty 'Flick's A Fucking Fake Fuck'.

"Behind one in many."

Talk from inside and outside the Government is that the figure bares a striking resemblance to and actually is Labour MP for Lemon-upon-Lime, Funk Underwood who has shared a long standing feud with Mr. Flick which is said to be the motivation behind one in many violent attacks perpetrated by both individuals.

Underwood caught on CCTV.

The dispute is said to have initiated during a widely publicised Parliamentary five-a-side football tournament that took place in the summer of 1991 in which Underwood claimed Flick tripped him on an unopposed goal attempt that cost his constituency a place in the final.  Flick in turn declared his foot never impacted on Underwood's boot and that the verbal slander was a way of overshadowing the fact that he'd in fact fallen over a piece of dirt.

"I."

"The man is a wretch," spoke Flick earlier this afternoon, "He's once again out to bring down not only myself but also himself and the Conservative Party as a whole although I bet he's the one feeling blue after today's formal identification.  Dirty politics such as this reflect a frankly childlike approach to government both personally and professionally so, na nana naaana."

Indeed Flick's rebuke seems well placed as Underwood was this morning arrested on suspicion of vandalism, more vandalism, blasphemy, catnapping and pottymouth with the press dubbing the scandal 'Gategate' after the similarly recent 'Plebgate' affair.

"We're taking this matter in the most anally way possible," noted Chief Intendant Jacob Wiltshire of Scotland yard, "We're having to delve into a two decade old feud that although harmless at first quickly descended into attempted murder, arson, rape and various acts of buggery.  We are only just starting to collect the relevant evidence needed to unravel these deeds but we have no doubt that this conflict branches into the highest levels of Parliament."

"We have no choice but to hand."

Former PM John Major on the
set of his popular game show
'Got Your Number. 10'.

"It was a tricky situation," spoke former Prime Minister John Major, "There was no clear evidence to prove that Underwood had fallen over the dirt and so in the spirit of Democracy it was agreed by all the members to let them battle it out over a jolly game of pranks.  The ensuing physical assaults, joke phone calls, shootings and mild acts of terrorism were all well and good but the use of feces was a step too far and we had to put a stop to it.  It's a shame Underwood was hard pressed for some creative inspiration and chose to attack his rival by airing his own dirty laundry but the man is a red blooded male and can't be blamed for thinking outside the skull.  Now that the matter has become public we have no choice but to hand control over to the Metropolitan Police for a full investigation."

Underwood was unavailable for comment although when interviewed his doorbell piped up to sing a positive tune of his employer.