Puff Piece Found Dead In Tree

by Shaky Parkinson

Crime scene.

After a six month search the body of missing news icon 'The Puff Piece' was found stuck up a tree on Clapham Common in the early hours of this morning.  Police have said they are shocked at the discovery but are happy that their arduous search has finally resolved itself in a moderately positive way.

"Stabbed."

Although a time of death has yet to be established forensic specialists have revealed that the body had been brutally stabbed, raped, mugged, beaten, drugged, shot, stabbed, burnt, stripped, embezzled, defrauded, bullied, violated, stabbed, abused, divorced, paedophiled, sued, excommunicated, tortured and photographed for internet distribution.

"It didn't help the breakfast go down," claimed William Felt who discovered the body while out jogging in the early hours, "I was nipping back home through the woods when I saw something moving in the trees.  It wasn't until I got closer that I saw a cat pawing over something hidden in the branches.  So I called the fire brigade and they brought down what was left of the body.  I've never been so dismayed and relieved in all my life.  I mean what's the world coming to?"

The victim's family are saddened by the loss but in a statement claimed, "It was a long time coming and we are simply glad that the torment is over.  The incident has come as a big shock to us but we've got a new fridge freezer on the way so it's not all bad news."

"Knives."

Scotland Yard have launched an investigation into the attack and with the use of intelligence reports and CCTV footage have issued a profile of what is believed to be a vicious gang of badly dressed media types armed with bulging wallets, knives, pessimistic viewpoints and vast amounts of audience research data.  Police are warning the public to stay clear of the gang and are appealing for witnesses to come forward and aid in the investigation.

And in lighter news...

Investigation Launched Into 1970's Policing

by Shaky Parkinson

Scotland Yard's squeaky clean reputation has fallen into disrepute after a number of television personalities have come forward claiming that the Metropolitan Police are guilty of systematic abuse dating back as far as the 1970's.

"Men as old as 87."

The bubble of lies finally burst when an independent commission was set up to investigate confessions made by broadcaster Stuart Hall about how the police systematically preyed on the weak and vulnerable wallets of men as old as 87 throughout the television industry for over four decades.

In a statement earlier this morning Hall claimed, "We were powerless, they knew how to isolate us and shame you into their way of thinking.  It's not like you could go to the police or seek help elsewhere and so you just end up going along with what they want.  It makes you feel sick, sick and hopeless.  I'm just happy that this is all coming out in the open."

"Indecent money."

Officials were seen leaving Scotland yard with boxes containing thousands of indecent money bands along with numerous cigar ends and used whisky glasses that under examination will hopefully contain invaluable DNA evidence to ratify the claims.  Yet the question of how have these crimes went unpunished for so long is still one that needs answering.

"By all appearances Scotland Yard was the beacon of trust and honesty," claimed Commission Head Gerald Printer, "No one had a bad word to say about it and the nation was fully content to support and encourage it."

Stuart Hall outside Preston
Crown Court.

"Maybe a few years ago the shock at the recent findings would have been markedly less ravenous," he continued,  "But with today's falling social standards and unforced media economy the British public are ready to enact their viciousness for almost anything. Even so it is a terrible thing to watch such a long serving member of the United Kingdom being brought into disrepute. As always our thoughts are with the victims families and we hope that our investigation can uncover any and all hidden secrets and establish the true nature of these crimes."

"And stalking as well."

Further information was released about an alleged secret 'Vice Squad' that were unofficially tasked with carrying out the alleged offences that range from bullying, blackmailing and stalking as well as both physical and mental assault.

A spokesman for The Sun newspaper claimed, "We've been furthering this cause for years now and it seems we're doing a damn sight better job than those sickos back in the 70's.  All they've done is let these predators run around unchecked and it is up to The Sun to sell the public some justice."

Despite the investigation still being in its early stages families of the prospective victims are already setting up their bank accounts for a potential boost in assets and it is hoped that the necessary castrations and resignations will be carried out on live television in the coming weeks.