Corn Wall To Be Reinstated

by Shaky Parkinson

Amid rebuffs of independence Cornwall County Council have shocked the country be rallying volunteers to begin construction on the Corn Wall, a planned 300ft undertaking that will stretch from Plymouth to Welcombe and result in the unofficial annexing of Cornwall from the United Kingdom.

Drastic though it may be the new Corn Wall will not be the first of its kind.  In 900BC and again 1316AD corn walls were erected along the edge of Britain's 'Corn Belt' that marked the border between Devon and Cornwall and gave rise to the county's name.

"It was a big decision," claimed head of research and development for Cornwall County Council Bernard Rick, "But after many months of peaceful campaigning only to be told our desire for a free Cornwall was 'infantile on a level not even a child would understand' we decided to take matters into our own hands.  Although we would like to keep with tradition and build the fortification out of corn the idea isn't feasible or cost effective and so with a modern age comes a modern wall.  We have a long way to go yet but we are confident that in time everyone will come to love and support the project as much as our initial bunch of volunteers. "

"I'm not going to stand."

During a press conference this morning Prime Minister David Cameron was asked how he will be handling the matter and whether or not the actions taken by Cornwall were treasonous, "Sensible, no, treasonous, we can but hope.  If Cornwall want to play independence for a few days I'm not going to stand in their way but the reality is that their plans are completely unfeasible, ridiculous and infantile on a level not even a child would understand."

Artists impression of original
900BC Corn Wall.

He continued, "I mean where will they get the stones?  Years of mining have exhausted all their natural resources and if history has shown us anything it's that you cannot build a defensive 300ft barrier out of tin scraps.  It's just stupid.  However if it comes down to it we'll fight them, no matter how absurd the fight we can't have rogue counties causing mayhem in this manner.  A joke's a joke but that's as far as we'll let them take it."

"So."

Native Truro Architect Richard Price (8th Generation) has been asked to oversee the project, "This is the biggest undertaking of its kind and I'm proud to be apart of the project. We not only want the wall to be practical but also aesthetically pleasing, so we plan on using imported British cement for the structure and a beautiful Cornish granite for the facing, thus illustrating the strength and beauty that emblazons the Cornish people themselves."

"I'm simply the first link in a chain that will go on for the 250 years it will take to complete the wall," he furthered, "We're laying the groundwork of independence so that our grandchildren's children's great grandchildren will finally have the privilege of living in a state free from the tyrannical influence of the British Government."

"The family hopped."

News Guff was on site to speak to volunteers such as Samantha Pastry of Cambourne who has given up her time to aid the project, "After we'd heard the news the family hopped straight into the Citroen and we drove up to help.  We just had to be apart of this."

"This will really stick it to the man," claimed Edgar Plunk of Wendron.

"FREEDOM!!!" claimed Badger Dennings of Looe.

"Get those crazy fucks."

Support for the Corn Wall has already progressed beyond the confines of the county with Devonshire County Council committing extra workmen to aid in construction, "We just have to get rid of them," claimed Devonshire Councillor Kerry Hill, "It's always independence this and independence that so we've sent in labourers to quicken construction and get those crazy fucks locked away forever.  With them gone we can finally give the Devonshire Pasty its deserved placing as the nation's favourite heated snack and finally put Devon on the map."

Working? The Israeli
West Bank Barrier.

Support also came from further afield with Norfolk and Shropshire County Councils both in plans to dissociate themselves from British rule.  A spokesperson for Norfolk County Council stated, "We are sick of being left behind and if Britain is heading towards a state state then we want to be first in the queue."

"We've witnessed these projects fail."

Walls have been used throughout history as a simple form of segregation but UN Worker David Baulderdash has been quick to criticise the Corn Wall and it's unnecessary instigation, "The wall is only a means to distill a short term conflict and cannot succeed as a long term peaceful goal. Despite what they say people don't like to be separated and we've witnessed these projects fail time and time again.  When you think really hard about it, the idea of a Corn Wall is very much retarded."

The feelings of Baulderdash were mirrored by many inhabitants of the Cornish region that resulted in a riot at the workers construction HQ at Launceston.  "You don't just go around building walls without good cause," claimed protest organiser Kenneth Gill, "We believe that words and negotiation are what is needed here, so these idiots can fuck off while we burn down their campsite."

Construction HQ, Launceston.

"They may think they are keeping everyone else out but really they are locking us all in," claimed fellow activist Gemma Beach, "I've seen the plans and although the granite is a lovely touch the project is simply barmy.  I'm all for displays of mass action but as a county there is no reason why we need independence from our neighbours, and we sure as shit don't need a 300ft wall blocking out our most enjoyable asset."

After the riot left three people bruised and eight tents flattened the Territorial Army sent in reserve troops to monitor the scene but with rumours of rain, excessive tea breaks and malcontent circulating, the chaotic diplomatic affairs amongst the Cornish ranks could already spell doom for the plan.

iApple Hits Shops

by Shaky Parkinson

Tim Cook at iApple launch.

Apple's new portable device the iApple hit the high street this morning with fans already queueing round the block to get their hands on what experts are dubbing 'The decades most revolutionary invention'.

"The iApple is not just an apple," claimed Apple CEO Tim Cook, "It's the latest innovation in mobile technology.  Much like we did with the desktop computer and the mobile phone we have taken this simple fruit and developed it in a way that will suit our customers needs and further the Apple brand."

"Our consumers are always looking for the next big technological development and the iApple is there to help them on the way.  Its goal is to cater to the professional who is so busy with their important rushing about that eating not only becomes a choir but a nuisance.  With incorporated calorie counter, iTunes connectivity and wireless Internet the iApple aims to time manage people's eating habits in a healthy way whilst offering up all the essential communication tools of a high end Apple product."

Feeding the world.  The iApple.

It seems the public are eager to get their hands on the new device that comes equipped not only with all the plug-ins, apps and accessibility of a standard iPhone but with a calorie counter, diet instructor and fat measurer coupled with tasty nourishing abilities that are set to path the way for a fresh surge in healthy living.

"I've been queuing up here for roughly a month," claimed avid Apple fan Stephen Fry, "If the iApple is as awesome as my iPhone then I'm willing to pay the £800 for the privilege of using it."

"If it has Angry Birds on it then I'm sold," claimed Publicist Shelia Gonk.

"Increase in whole sale fruit."

Retail analysts are predicting that the release of the iApple could see a positive effect on the high street at a time when many retailers are struggling with closure.  Although many critics are claiming that the Apple brand is becoming far to monopolising, recent statistics show an increase in wholesale fruit and vegetables as Apple licensed fruit and vegetable stores sprout up across the country.

The scene on Regent Street.

"We're out to crush our competitors," continued Cook, "And we see our backing as key to the survival of the fledging fruit and veg industry in the UK.  As a company we're innovators and with our skills coupled with that of the already well-established apple we can promote healthy, clean living with integrated Wi-Fi at a reasonable and excessive cost.  With Apple's global appeal we plan on putting an iApple into the hands of everyone on the globe.  Simply put the iApple is the future."

The Online iApple App Store has already seen a massive surge in activity since stores opened at 8am this morning and it is thought that the trend will continue.  Experts are also expecting to see increased sales in healthy food products with many brands already using the iApple's technology to syndicate their products.

"The public won't stand."

The news wasn't all jubilant with court cases and criticism hitting Apple's door like a barrage of shit.  "The apple is a fruit and cannot be licensed by one company alone," claimed Granny Smith, "This kind of corporate intrusion cannot be justified and no matter how many features it has the public won't stand for this."

The iApple's classic features.

Samsung also bruised Apple's side by filing a number of lawsuits against the company claiming that they had infringed patent copyright, "We invented the apple years ago and Apple have simply ripped off our technology for their own uses," fumed Samsung Chairman Lee Kun-hee, "They must be stopped."

Cook responded by claiming, "That Apple has breached no copyright laws and that its fruity technology is its own," before going onto accost Samsung CEO Kwon Oh-hyun of failing to produce proof of the accusations, "If we can steal from the Beatles we can steal from anybody and regardless of these accusations it is clear that the iApple is having a positive impact on the consumer market," he concluded.

Samsung made no further statements and their concerns were lost amid news that the iApple 2.0 will be hitting shelves next month featuring upgrades such as a 16 mega-pixel camera as well as orange, kiwi and strawberry coloured models.