Hello, Hello, I'm Back Again!

by Shaky Parkinson

Saturday evenings are set to take a turn for the fun with the launch of ITV's new game-show 'Gary Glitter's Sex Quiz'.  The show features legendary rock n' roller Gary Glitter as he takes contestants on an insightful and entertaining journey through his sexual history and selected discography.

"Suspected kiddy fiddler is dead."

"According to our market research in today's Sun it is clear what the public want.  Paedophiles," claimed ITV's Entertainment Commissioner, Kate Maddigan, "It seems any show that doesn't feature even a suspected kiddy fiddler is dead in the water.  So what better way to cater to popular tastes than with a detailed look into the sexual history of one the 70's biggest entertainers.  If we want to continue broadcasting through the recession we have to accept that touching kids is where the money is."

Today saw the show's pilot being filmed to a receptive audience.  Various catchphrases such as 'Do you wanna win in my gang', 'Hello, Hell, I'm back again' and 'Do you wanna touch me, OH YEAH!' hit a positive tone with the audience as Glitter hit a firm stride in his presenting that left little doubt to his abilities.

"It went well out there today," claimed a post show Glitter, "I wasn't sure about the idea to begin with, but after we cracked the name everything seemed to come together.  I think this show'll turn some heads, now if you'll excuse me I need to hit the Pepsi Max and chill."

"Clap Clap."

"Judging by today's upbeat atmosphere we think the quiz could easily knock Britain's Got Talent from the top of the ratings," continued Clap, "Clap followed clap throughout the recording, the sight was encouraging.  Not only that but Gary is the perfect age for a late comeback and with such a successful track record we'd be silly not to launch an album off the back of the show."

Britain's Got Talent judge's Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden where outraged at the proposed competition they would soon be facing, while fellow judges Alesha Dixon and David Walliams embarked upon a nationwide molesting tour in a bid to boost popularity for the show.  "By putting ourselves back at number one we can show the viewers that the only kind of touching that needs to be done is with our hearts," claimed Walliams, "There's a lot of talent out there and we want to get to know it."

"Disinterested by the show's content."

The general pubic were both happy, shocked, flabbergasted and disinterested by the show's content and host.

"It isn't natural," cited Glenn Spence of Carlisle, "Glitter's a singer not a presenter, this concept doesn't stand a chance."

"I'm sickened, literally," spewed Gladys Firth of Reigate, "BLUUUUUUUGHHH!!!"

"If he's covering the entire glam rock movement I'm in," John Milk of Exeter, "If not then I'm out."

"I love 'Rock and Roll Part Two' but that's as far as I'll take it," noted Pat from Bournemouth.

"This pathetic play for ratings is representative of the worst kind of television," claimed David Dunhill of Slough, "Shock tactics are FUCKING infantile.  When will the media stop abusing the impressionable minds of their readers, viewers and listeners?"

Gary Glitter's Sex Quiz premieres this Saturday on ITV at 9 o'clock.

99% Of Accidents Caused By People That Aren't You

by Shaky Parkinson

A new survey, christened the Falworth Paper has been released by statisticians at Manchester and Doncaster Experimental Union Polytechnic (MADE UP) claiming that 99% of all personal accidents are brought about by the interference of others.  The survey tracked the lives of over ten people to determine whether their accidents were the direct result of self-bumbling or bastard external forces.

"The results were as you can guess, shocking," claimed survey leader Malcolm Flunk, "They were also enlightening, gratifying and financially justifying.  We all drop things.  A knife, a fork.  A fresh pot of Earl Grey over our child's palms.  These incidents are what we refer to as the 1%.  The inevitable upsets that come with being a human being.  The danger arises when the proximity between human beings increases."

"My house did the skirting boards himself."

He continued, "Like most, I am a person of reasonable mental facilities but am unable to predict exactly where and when a pedestrian will throw themselves onto the bonnet of my car, if the person standing behind me at the chippie is the mass murderer I've been hearing about, or whether the previous owner of my house did the skirting boards himself or called in someone he'd seen on Rogue Traders.  It's a sick and horrific world."

"We found that accidents within high population densities were so frequent that hospitals were up to thirty times more numerous with schools of a certain size also assigned dedicated medical practitioners to cope with the influx of injuries.  It was a stomach churning discovery to make when you live in East Finchley."

Flunk and his team discovered a range of injuries the general public have been inflicting upon each other ranging into the millions with low hanging party streamers, loose fruit peelings and coffee burns topping the poll of daily assaults.

"Vast consumption of strawberries."

News footage from Hedgington
Park annual cricket match.

The survey was commissioned by Lord Falworth of nearby Hedgington Park after a nasty run in with a thug at the annual village cricket match, "This blighter comes slopping onto the pitch, mouth frothing from a vast consumption of strawberries, cream and cheap ale.  He proceeded to snatch my umbrella swing it around maniacally and dent the side of my bowler.  It was a truly horrific and humiliating experience.  Luckily the man is still in Broadmoor but is that really punishment?  This new survey will hopefully cap the lid on stupidity and instill a sensible amount of reclusiveness in us all."

Conspiracy theorists were keen to syndicate a press release stating their ideological position but due to a lack of attention were only able to share a quick comment, "It is clear that the Falworth Paper exposes the truth we have long been claiming.  That Elastoplast is leading the world's medical institutions in a cover-up of sensitive material that will once and for all illustrate the human races lack of hand eye co-ordination, vast stupidity and carelessness in a bid to further plaster sales."

Health and Safety official Gwent Stamp (male) was one of many civil servants to come out in favour of the Falworth Paper, "This is a significant day for Health and Safety.  By isolating the countries masses we will bring about a nation completely devoid of blame and without blame the world will be entirely safe and healthy."

"Debenhams, even at the other end of the telephone."

"It wasn't until the experiment started that we became aware of the potential hazards around us," sobbed survey participant Deadrie Parks, "At first we thought that everything was all right.  Then as the weeks went by we soon realised that there were people everywhere, in the street, behind the counter at Debenhams, even at the other end of the telephone.  I had to put the children first so we upped sticks and moved to the Isle of Man where we were assured there weren't any people."

Heysham sands.

Flunk's theory of extreme hermitism has been suggested as the only cure for 'Other People' but as he later claimed, "Even in the case of Mrs. Parks the separation wasn't tough enough and although well meaning her desire to protect her children blinded her to the rising tides and shifting sands off Heysham in what proved a fatal dash for the ferry.  Humanity cannot be cured, but solitary hermitism is the only sure fire way of lowering potential injury, death and maiming to within an acceptable 1% level."

A meeting of top medical officials, theorists and hangers on will take place at King's College London later this week, where the practical applications of the paper will be discussed at length until tea time.

Mammoth Carcass Found In Siberia

by Shaky Parkinson

A mammoth carcass has been uncovered on the Taimyr Peninsula by 11-year-old boy Zhenya Salinder. The enormous body was discovered in late August in the town of Sopochnaya Karga on the Siberian coast and after a lengthy five day excavation news of the discovery has finally filtered through to the global media.

It is thought that the deceased giant animal was originally one of a living giant animal of the same species and had lain frozen in mud until it was uncovered by Zhenya while he was out walking his dogs.  "It was really scary," claimed Zhenya, "I was playing at climbing when I saw this massive Mammoth like body lying in the mud.  I doddled home and told my parents and they called up the scientists who came and took it out of the ground.  It's soooo big, I hope it's a dinosaur."

"Answers to life."

The body of the unknown giant was taken to St. Petersburg Zoology Institute where it has been thawed, pawed and mauled in the hope it might reveal answers to the life of pre-historic man and indeed the enormous mammal itself.

Artist's guess at what the creature
looked like while living.

"We know it's old," stated excavation team leader Alexei Tikhonov, "We dug it out of the ground so we're putting a date range of between one and thirty million years on it.  Judging by the wounds we discovered we can safely say that this mammoth beast probably died at the hands of ice-age humans or that of a fellow monster, or simply because it could no longer live."

As of yet Tikhonov and his team have been unable to classify the creature due to insufficient evidence. "You know what science is like?  For all we know it could be a fish," continued Tikhonov, "We've ruled out monster bacteria and the evidence of fur has lead us to determine that we aren't dealing with a snake.  We also think the mystery of the large protruding curved bones shows that the animal was heavily accessorized for the time and a notion like that puts fashion and also sensical history into all sorts of uproar.  This really is a mammoth find."

"Assumptions that need filling."

Tikhonov and Gorbunov
pre dispute.

In a second press conference Tikhonov's colleague Sergei Gorbunov of the International Mammoth Committee claimed, "My colleagues have made a mammoth mistake.  The mammoth carcass that we have been studying is clearly that of a Mammoth carcass.  The accessories or tusks as they are otherwise known clearly back up this classification and in my opinion this only leaves us with the job of uncovering just how this particular Mammoth can contribute to our knowledge of his or hers species.  From what we already guess Siberian Mammoth's were more cunning than regular Mammoth's by using mud to disguise themselves against pestilence and even mammother creatures but there are always massive gaps in our assumptions that need filling."

Tikhonov and his team will continue with their research well into the next year when their final conclusions will be published.  In the meantime we are left to speculate why Zhenya Salinder has yet to receive even a bag of sweets for his part in keeping this team of science men in work for another year.

Virgin Employee Killed In Botched Sacrifice

by Shaky Parkinson

Surveillance photo of Grant's
property.

The body of missing Virgin Media employee Garth Peak has been found on the outskirts of a farm in Shrivenham, a few miles North-East of Swindon.  The mutilated and scarred body showed signs of ritual sacrifice and an investigation has been launched against local landowner Lucifer Grant.

In a statement issued earlier this afternoon Wiltshire police claimed, "Lucifer Grant has been taken into custody but has not yet (but with a name like that it's only a matter of time) been charged.  We hope Mr. Grant can shed light on how the body of the deceased ended up within yelling distance of his creepy old barn."

"We'll get ourselves."

Garth Peak

Mr. Grant has been the subject of a lengthy investigation by Wiltshire Police after he was arrested for brandishing a severed goats head at the local Wimpy's in June.  "We kept getting all these calls about a Satanist cult operating out of Shrivenham but we had members of the public to hassle and treated it as a crock of toss like any rational fool," claimed Chief Inspector Department Anthony Prittle (Twice Removed), "After the goats head incident the shit rope unravelled and the whole story kicked off.  Orgies, sacrifice, fluids, and that wasn't the best of it. Unfortunately we couldn't get a conviction despite Grant's appearance on the restaurants CCTV camera.  It was a blow, but we're hoping that with this body we'll get ourselves a conviction."

The body was found at 7 am when local woman Agatha Hush was out walking her trainers, "It was a shock," she claimed, "I was just getting into my stride when I saw what I thought was Rutger Hauer lying in a bush.  Upon closer inspection I recognised the body to be that of Garth Peak but he had symbols etched into his flesh and his face was face gouged in.  Quite frankly a terrible business, it doesn't bare talking about."

"But not silent."

Local reaction to the murder has been varied but not silent and with the body being dumped only yards from Swindon's most frequented mini golf course we asked visitors their opinions of the killing.

Shrivenham Mini-Golf Course.

"Horrendous, vial and downright lacking in any real sense of sinister engagement," fumed Mary Wilson.

"Put me down for a birdy," eagered Martin Hendrick.

"It beats golf," beamed Dennis Winterflop.

"A very upsetting affair," stated Emily Cart, "You would think being a local of fifty-three years would get you an invite but that's people for you, always wrapped up in their own doings."

A warrant was issued to search Mr. Grant's property but nothing extraordinary was found except a collection of over three thousand toasted sandwich makers.  "We carried out a thorough search of Mr. Grant's barns and everything seemed in order," continued Inspector Prittle, "But then again I don't know much about barns.  Who would've thought they come equipped with ritualistic paraphernalia and stained altars.  It's amazing what you learn in this line of work."

"I was eager to expand."

In a statement released after a lunch of disappointing sandwiches and weak tea Mr. Grant's lawyer spoke on behalf of his client saying, "It is true that I knew the deceased.  He visited my home over a month ago to inspect my recently installed cabling. WHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Upon learning him to be a virgin with only the purist incentives and offerings I was eager to expanded our meeting into a friendship but alas Mr. Peak's death beheaded that prospect rather swiftly. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!  PRAISE THE ALMIGHTY BUNG AND HIS BENEVOLENT CHAOS!!!"

He continued, "MWHAHAHAHA!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Grant remains in custody but Police have stated that he is co-operating and his deepest compliments go out to Mr. Peak's family and newborns.