Prince Andrew Stubs Toe

by Shaky Parkinson

St. Mary's Hospital

Despite week wide coverage of the royal birth the Royal Families medical problems seem far from over as belated reports are surfacing that last Prince Andrew has spent the last week in intensive care after stubbing his toe.

The incident took place last Sunday while Prince Andrew was visiting his Mother for a friendly game of cribbage to see in the end of the Duchess of Cambridge's pregnancy.  It is believed that Prince Andrew rose to fix them both a ginger shandy when his foot came into swift contact with the Edwardian drinks cabinet causing massive damage to his right foot.

"Hordes of fanatics."

Matters darkened when Prince Andrew was unable to secure any medical attention due to the imminent arrival of the heir apparent and was forced to drive himself to St. Mary's Hospital where upon arriving he had to battle his way through the hordes of fanatics who had encamped themselves on the doorsteps to witness the first glimpses of the as yet unborn child.

"They were everywhere," commented Prince Andrew during his recovery interview this morning, "A rabble of freaks and nutballs, Christ knows what it'll be like at the christening. Normally I would have kept my distance and let time work its magic but due to the weather I was only wearing a pair of suede loafers and the damage to my toe was considerable."

Prince Andrew driving
himself to hospital.

"From there on in it only got worse. It took me hours to steal away a nurse through all the commotion and was only treated to an examination when the chief of surgery slipped on the blood spewing from my toe.  It didn't help any that the nurse had me installed in the suite next door to Kate and frankly the noise was unbearable, you'd have thought she was giving birth to a Chelsea supporter with tourette's."

He continued, "It's not like I wanted to make a fuss and overshadow the 'occasion' but this was a serious wound, there was blood everywhere and I could see bone.  I've never experienced pain like this but luckily they aren't going to amputate so we dodged a bullet there, although not a table, am I right?"

"Every stubbing is different."

The almost unshowable stubbed toe.

"We've kept the Prince heavily medicated due to his injuries," claimed the on duty Nurse, "I've been treating patients for years and I've never seen a stubbed toe this horrific.  Every stubbing is different but this is about as bad as it could possibly be. We wish him a speedy recovery and hope he'll be right as rain for the little one's Christening, it's going to be heavenly."

Prince Andrew is said to be doing well and will be kept in hospital for observation over the next fortnight in the company of his sister Princess Anne and brother Prince Edward after they were both admitted with dicky tummies late on Tuesday night.

South London Supermarket Stolen

by Shaky Parkinson

Offensive promotion.

The townsfolk of Purley have been left stunned after their local 150,000 sqft, 24hr Tesco+ was stolen in a daring raid yesterday evening.  The thieves made off with the shop at around 6pm leaving staff and shoppers shocked and confused.

"Until they disappeared."

A number of individuals dressed in dark tracksuits and hooded tops are said to have entered the shop at around 9am carrying large travel bags and were seen acting suspiciously for a number of hours until they disappeared into the rush hour queues with the building and its contents.

"Everything was fine one minute," claimed eye witness shopper Cathy Ballake, "I was looking up the calorie content on a Muller crunch corner then all of a sudden there was a heavy breeze and my basket had disappeared along with the yogurt and the rest of the fridge aisle."

"There'd been a bit of a draft all day," noted Supervisor Gregory Patesh, "So I was speaking with our maintenance man in the delivery area when the air conditioning unit that we'd been inspecting vanished before our eyes not too mention the ladder we were using.  I wasn't even able to fill out a health and safety report for Graham's broken pelvis because all our offices had been stolen. I just can't believe this has happened."

Suspects.

"I'm not even supposed to be here today," claimed employee Dante Hicks, "I was taking a break out back and before I could drench them in milk my Frosties had disappeared and the floor was covered. I'm not even supposed to be here."

"There were."

Head of security Arthur Shank was monitoring the store's cameras at the time of the robbery, "There were a few suspicious looking characters hanging around the magazines but as went to alter the cameras for a better look the security console was gone along with my keys and hat. I don't know what to tell you. I think I was still shaken by the day's earlier incident."

Mr. Parker being held captive.

The incident mentioned took place at 1.15pm when 82 year old retired priest George Parker was pinned and held at gun point after being accused of shoplifting a Twix. Mr. Parker had apparently, 'Popped in for a snack' when he was jumped on his way out of the supermarket for what later turned out to be a fault with the self-service checkouts. Yet it is incidents such as this that have raised questions about Tesco's 'Coin for Convicts' program that sees work based rehabilitation placements offered to recently paroled criminals in a bid to help reintegrate them into society.

"We need to look into the program," spoke Group CEO Philip Clarke, "After that job centre toilet incident we thought we'd go heavily in the opposite direction but that seems to have bitten us in the arse. That's not to say we are accusing anyone but the loss of an entire store is really serious. They cost a bloody fortune to build, so all in all with the vicar's lawsuit it's been a pretty shocking day."

"Good Riddance."

Feeling wasn't all negative with the general public taking a very different stance on the robbery with Mrs. Robinson of Eckton Drive happy at the Tesco's misfortune, "I say good riddance, the food is overpriced and the quality leaves much to be desired, like taste and freshness. They need to know people won't stand for it and I think the thieves should be praised, but certainly not knighted."

One gang member working
unnoticed at the front of store.

"I'm in two minds," spoke shopper Darren Hump, "I was in the market for a box of Mr. Kipling Lemon Slices but quite frankly I'm outraged at the cost and seeing as I'm not the slimmest chap I'm glad the temptation has been taken away from me. This is going to do wonders for my diet."

"We have no definitive leads."

It is thought that recent trouble with the supermarket giant at their choice of 'holier than though' advertising which caused massive friction with the local community is to blame however police were quick to distill these ideas, "What we're dealing with here is a total lack of respect for the law, chkechkechkchkchk," claimed Detective Inspector Mike Willis of the Metropolitan Police as he removed his earphones, "At this current time we have no definitive leads but are pursuing a number of enquiries."

He continued, "What we do know is that this is sadly not a revenge theft, just a meticulously planned heist. From the CCTV footage we have obtained from our security cameras before they were stolen we believe that the suspects are a large gang of about five individuals and either a midget or a sixth member with severe bone disfigurement.  At this stage of the game we don't hold out much hope of finding the supermarket intact as it is likely to have been broken down and sold off in parts so we ask the public to be vigilant for any non-bagged multipack salt and vinegar Walkers.  In addition to our investigation we are appealing for anyone with any information to come forward so that we can solve this doozy before it gets the better of us."

One thief subtly entering
the premises.

Despite no arrests being made the police aren't ruling out the prospect that the robbery could be linked with similar thefts in Croydon and Redhill where two Post Offices, an ASDA and a Timpsons were stolen in a week long spree in June by a scrap gang working out of Twatlington.

"I've got one child!"

The aftermath of the theft is still being realised as scores of people have begun rioting in the now vacant  car park due to an inability to purchase liquor for the coming weekend. "They've got us by the balls," claimed protestor Sandra Gubbins, "They take down all the competition then go and get themselves stolen and as usual it is us that suffer. I've got one child to feed, not too mention the fact I've got nothing to serve our friends at tomorrow's barbecue, this is a disaster. I feel abused."

Rioters in the car park.

"I don't know what they expect us to do," continued Clarke, "They'll just have to get through the next two days sober.  Our first priority is to recover our missing property and if they need food they'll have to make do with their nearest Tesco Metro which is only 0.1miles away."

Police have been called to the scene to calm the rabble and investigate the claims that certain rioters have been seen making amateur firebombs to launch at the foundations of the supermarket. "This is very counter productive," continued Detective Willis, "The more time we have to waste yelling at these morons the longer it is going to take us to get our job done."  However it seems set that the rioting is set to continue as the police's hope of catching the culprits lessens with every minute.