Mohammed Sohel Rana Enters Record Books

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Michael Bolton, Not From Bolton

by Shaky Parkinson

"Said I loved you...But I Lied"

The people of Bolton were today shocked to discover that legendary singer/songwriter and local icon Michael Bolton was not in fact born in the city.  Bolton whose real name is in fact Bolotin originally hails from New Haven, Connecticut and isn't even of British nationality.

"Devastated," claimed Bolton Mayor Guy Harkin, "This is a massive blow to our city's identity and the work required in rectifying this mistake could cripple us at the next budget.  There's the street names, the statues, not too mention the charities that will have to be shut down.  I guess no one did the research.  Although this does shed light on why he didn't respond to our letters."

Bolton's citizens were equally distressed by the news with Mr. Wellesley of Michael Bolton Manor claiming, "We sort of assumed everything and you know what they say, to assume is to set yourself up to look like a tit."

"Our bad," sighed Shelia Smith of How Am I Supposed To Live Without You Road.

"Honestly, I don't think we should change a thing.  What Bolton needs now is moral and shunning our identity won't help that.  Bolton is Bolton and it should stay that way," noted Sid Purt of Go The Distance Avenue.

Bolton, a city reeling.

"Who?" asked Deborah Hill of Can I Touch You...There? Street.

Sentiment wasn't all positive with Richard Holme of Michael Mews in uproar at the discovery, "I don't know what this tosser is trying to pull but he's upsetting a lot of people.  Think of the lives he is ruining."

"My faith is absolutely shattered," he continued to sob, "When a man loves a woman it's fine, but when a city loves a man its nothing but a fucking joke.  Well ha ha ha.  Bolton's taken all my love and left me a hollow shell of a man.  What are we supposed to do now?"

"We were only days away from a cure," claimed researcher Imelda Johnson of the Michael Bolton Leukaemia Research Foundation that was shut down this morning after the announcement, "That's thirty years of research down the drain.  Shit."

The Michael Bolton statue that
adorns Sexual Healing Square
in the City Centre.

Protest was strongest amongst the city's more radical fan-base with a CD and tape cassette burning scheduled to take place at Sexual Healing Square later this evening.  Bolton was unavailable for comment although his answering machine claimed that he, "Said I Loved You...But I lied."

The turmoil is set to spread nationwide with other cities double checking their research in fear of losing claim to what may or may not be their homegrown talent.  "It's a sad time," claimed Home Secretary Theresa May, "People are waking up to the fact that Julie London was from California, Michael York was a Southerner and Clarke Kent never even set foot in the home counties.  It is a sad realisation but we can at least take solace in the fact that the Britain we know and love is being represented across the world by a vast group of Americans.


Tickets for the Big Bolton Burn are £7 each on the door, no concessions.  Doors open at 7pm and remember, you bring the fuel and we'll bring the fun.

North Korea Poised To Play History's Biggest Bluff

by Shaky Parkinson

Continuing fears about North Korea's nuclear weapon capabilities have suffered a sharp knock in credibility after a meeting of world leaders has claimed the country is simply 'Bluffing' and that its technological developments haven't yet 'Passed beyond the acquisition of a Pritt Stick'.

Continuous threats coupled with only minor blanket advertising are claimed to have highlighted the world's governments to the country's lack of action, with Foreign Secretary William Hague noting, "Kim Jong-un isn't positioned to be offering us these grand threats and it appears his intentions are nothing more than idle argy bargy brought about to further an ego boost."

He continued, "He should have gotten out while the going was good, not pussy foot around with a few ifs and buts. If North Korea truly wanted to sell us the idea of a thermo-nuclear war they would have bombed Seoul weeks ago, the situation we are in now is laughable and it has been agreed that the big NK should step down from the table and call it quits."

Statements issued from Pyongyang have rebuffed the claims stating, "We're dead serious about all this. We've made it really clear that if South Korea doesn't stop ignoring us and start panicking we'll launch all our bombs and stuff at them.  If we decided to give you a tour around are really sweet army bases then you'd see that all our tech is quality and if anyone thinks we are bluffing we'll use all our blowy uppy things and hav' 'em."

Kimmy, trying to stay in high spirits
during a game of odd man out.

The foreign office was quick to reassure travellers of the region's continuing stability by claiming, "That there is no increased danger in the area and certainly no immediate threat posed to any visitors to South Korea beyond a dodgy street vendor." This feeling was reiterated by Hague who went on to claim that, "North Korea has our deepest condolences and we're just hoping this whole fiasco blows over quickly and we can all go out for a drink to settle our differences.  Maybe it's not us that needs to listen. Words don't always have to hurt.  Isn't that right Kimmy?"

South Korea was also portraying a nation in the throws of calmness with President Park Geun-hye shrugging off the threats as idle banter, "No need to worry, they do this from time to time," she stated, "It's just a thing we have.  Give it a week or so and the matter will be ancient history."

In his garden President Obama
searches for potential missiles.

These comments sparked further frustration from the North Korean capital with comments being released stating, "We are well 'ard and if no one believes us we are going to blow shit up.  We mean business and death to all the twats!  No joke, the reason we haven't fired any missiles yet is because we don't want any of you stupid foreigners living south of the border to get hurt.  That's compassion that is but we've got deadlines to hit and we've been left with no other option than to get this thermo-nuclear fun storm underway.  As soon as the wind is in the right position and the missiles have been cleaned you better watch out.  We are a nation at war and if everyone wants to ignore that and make us out to be bullies then we'll have to sort 'em out."

President Obama responded with a well received, "Oh no he didn't," before going onto say, "The threats levelled at the United Sates of America are pretty negligible, even if one of these 'missiles' could reach our shores it'll probably just buff up the work for the local archaeologists."

Japanese mount terrifying defense.

Concern however wasn't absent with Japan deploying anti-aircraft launchers reasoning, "We don't believe in bluffs.  The only thing we understand is that North Korea has said it will soon be launching some nuclear weapons our way and because the evidence shows us this is not unlikely we have no choice but to take these threat seriously.  Although these are simply just cautionary measures we don't really foresee any future problems, I mean we took down Godzilla, we got this."

Tensions and opinions are still varied although much less strained and it is this writer's hope that these threats remain idle and that no one flicks the switch.