Madeleine: 'We Can't Let Go"

Madeleine McCann,
abductamurdered in 2007.

A fresh suspect in the Madeleine McCann disappearance has sent ripples running through Fleet Street with journalists both fearing and hoping for a resolution to this seven year itch.  The information comes amid increasingly agitated feelings towards the story from both a weary public and a tired media who are both looking for a chance to move on.

"Children throughout the Algarve."

Earlier today Portuguese Police released details about a suspect wanted in connection with a number of sexual assaults on children throughout the Algarve between the period of 2004 and 2010 that could theoretically link him with Maddy's abduction.

"We can't let go," claimed News Guff Editor-in-Chief Shaky Parkinson, "This story has gone on long enough and we need closure. The sheer costs of monitoring this story over the years is astronomical. The crews, the flights, the takeout, the astronauts and the hotel bills for our man on the ground are sky rocketing. Hey that's a good one leave it in."

"Back in 2007 everyone on the strip thought that a body would turn up within a fortnight, or they'd at least lock up the parents, but one thing lead to another and we've all been landed with a story that won't end and if today's breakthrough doesn't result in a conviction we could be hearing about this child for decades. Perhaps if we'd got out early we could've limited the damage but the papers were selling and we egged on the hysteria so much that we were duty bound to see it through until the end. Let's just hope it comes sooner rather than never."

"He's good."

Portuguese authorities were led to the lead (he's good) after CCTV footage was unearthed of their previous suspect buying a hammock at the time of the attacks.  Inspector Pratzo of the Royal Portuguese Policing and Dredging Authority (RPPDA) claimed that this new suspect, "Could've been responsible for Maddy's attack, but it really depends on your definition of could've. And attack."

Various eye witness accounts from across Southern Portugal paint a vivid picture of the perp with the Mother of one Victim describing him as, "Clothed. Foreign, but with a good broken grasp of English. White, but black, you know, sort of in the middle. One of those. They had hair, probably eyes and unless they were using a really good prosthetic like in that film, they had four limbs and may or may not have been a man. You can't really tell these days what with all the fashion."

"Sexually assaulted a number."

"It's all very confusing," continued Inspector Pratzo, "After the British press got involved, dubbed us all a bunch of Clouseau's and pedestalled the parents our investigation went up shit creek.  This new suspect is just one in a long line of people we need to talk to in regards to widening our search for further enquiries. That and he also sexually assaulted a number of young British girls that weren't Madeleine McCann."

"Our eye-witness accounts are blurry. From the description of the attackers clothing we could take it that the suspect may have been in the grip of a superhero delusion and have in fact scared away the real attacker before he could abduct the children and landed himself in a hero's twoddle. This could then possibly hypothetically mean that this other suspect could have stolen Maddy. Then again our suspect hasn't committed a crime in over three years which leads us to Believe and this Believe could have been responsible for his significant life change. Although now he has stopped committing crimes it will make it far trickier to catch him and even harder to locate Madeleine's missing corpse body."

Costume worn by possible
superhero 'The Hole'.

"We believe the attacker followed a pattern that involved, breaking, entering and attacking, although he displayed no signs of kidnapping or murder which markedly sets him apart from the McCann incident. In regards to Maddy's abduction beating nothing is what it seems. Quite frankly we've thrown the box out of the window on this one, but it keeps the money coming in."

"Germany and the Netherlands sparking."

In a bid to get the case moving towards a much needed conclusion the press have dubbed the attacker 'Paedo X' and a special episode of Crimewatch has been broadcast in Germany and the Netherlands sparking over 5,000 calls, "Some of which may have been possibly useful," cited Pratzo, "although that depends very heavily on your definition of useful."

Shaky Parkinson was vocal on the subject, "It's all trumped up gibberish. I blame the myself and the shareholders, they're usually at fault. I mean bloody hell, the poor child's spent more of her life as a news item than she has living it. I wonder what her royalties are worth? Surely we can all move on and pass this dreadful story onto the film companies, the press has done its turn."

Maddy's possible maker's.

"If things don't end soon, we'll be forced into a tricky situation. Personally I'm thinking of taking it down the Satanic route, inject a bit of vim into the mix. Bring in some slutty vampires or something. Yes, I like that. I'll take another glance at the brainstorming chart but let's face it, we're onto something. Either that or we'll just drum up a hate campaign and blame the parents. Let's face it, they're as guilty as sin. Not my words."

"New lead will take us somewhere."

When asked to comment on the news Gerry McCann stated, "Maddy's alive and all that and the fund has done a lot, the windows, the kitchen, the patio and you should see our games room. We just hope this new lead will take us somewhere. You know I'm constantly under suspicion and these accusations can be hurtful so I just ignore these people. I'm very neglectful."