Puff Piece Found Dead In Tree

by Shaky Parkinson

Crime scene.

After a six month search the body of missing news icon 'The Puff Piece' was found stuck up a tree on Clapham Common in the early hours of this morning.  Police have said they are shocked at the discovery but are happy that their arduous search has finally resolved itself in a moderately positive way.

"Stabbed."

Although a time of death has yet to be established forensic specialists have revealed that the body had been brutally stabbed, raped, mugged, beaten, drugged, shot, stabbed, burnt, stripped, embezzled, defrauded, bullied, violated, stabbed, abused, divorced, paedophiled, sued, excommunicated, tortured and photographed for internet distribution.

"It didn't help the breakfast go down," claimed William Felt who discovered the body while out jogging in the early hours, "I was nipping back home through the woods when I saw something moving in the trees.  It wasn't until I got closer that I saw a cat pawing over something hidden in the branches.  So I called the fire brigade and they brought down what was left of the body.  I've never been so dismayed and relieved in all my life.  I mean what's the world coming to?"

The victim's family are saddened by the loss but in a statement claimed, "It was a long time coming and we are simply glad that the torment is over.  The incident has come as a big shock to us but we've got a new fridge freezer on the way so it's not all bad news."

"Knives."

Scotland Yard have launched an investigation into the attack and with the use of intelligence reports and CCTV footage have issued a profile of what is believed to be a vicious gang of badly dressed media types armed with bulging wallets, knives, pessimistic viewpoints and vast amounts of audience research data.  Police are warning the public to stay clear of the gang and are appealing for witnesses to come forward and aid in the investigation.

And in lighter news...

Investigation Launched Into 1970's Policing

by Shaky Parkinson

Scotland Yard's squeaky clean reputation has fallen into disrepute after a number of television personalities have come forward claiming that the Metropolitan Police are guilty of systematic abuse dating back as far as the 1970's.

"Men as old as 87."

The bubble of lies finally burst when an independent commission was set up to investigate confessions made by broadcaster Stuart Hall about how the police systematically preyed on the weak and vulnerable wallets of men as old as 87 throughout the television industry for over four decades.

In a statement earlier this morning Hall claimed, "We were powerless, they knew how to isolate us and shame you into their way of thinking.  It's not like you could go to the police or seek help elsewhere and so you just end up going along with what they want.  It makes you feel sick, sick and hopeless.  I'm just happy that this is all coming out in the open."

"Indecent money."

Officials were seen leaving Scotland yard with boxes containing thousands of indecent money bands along with numerous cigar ends and used whisky glasses that under examination will hopefully contain invaluable DNA evidence to ratify the claims.  Yet the question of how have these crimes went unpunished for so long is still one that needs answering.

"By all appearances Scotland Yard was the beacon of trust and honesty," claimed Commission Head Gerald Printer, "No one had a bad word to say about it and the nation was fully content to support and encourage it."

Stuart Hall outside Preston
Crown Court.

"Maybe a few years ago the shock at the recent findings would have been markedly less ravenous," he continued,  "But with today's falling social standards and unforced media economy the British public are ready to enact their viciousness for almost anything. Even so it is a terrible thing to watch such a long serving member of the United Kingdom being brought into disrepute. As always our thoughts are with the victims families and we hope that our investigation can uncover any and all hidden secrets and establish the true nature of these crimes."

"And stalking as well."

Further information was released about an alleged secret 'Vice Squad' that were unofficially tasked with carrying out the alleged offences that range from bullying, blackmailing and stalking as well as both physical and mental assault.

A spokesman for The Sun newspaper claimed, "We've been furthering this cause for years now and it seems we're doing a damn sight better job than those sickos back in the 70's.  All they've done is let these predators run around unchecked and it is up to The Sun to sell the public some justice."

Despite the investigation still being in its early stages families of the prospective victims are already setting up their bank accounts for a potential boost in assets and it is hoped that the necessary castrations and resignations will be carried out on live television in the coming weeks.

Mohammed Sohel Rana Enters Record Books

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Michael Bolton, Not From Bolton

by Shaky Parkinson

"Said I loved you...But I Lied"

The people of Bolton were today shocked to discover that legendary singer/songwriter and local icon Michael Bolton was not in fact born in the city.  Bolton whose real name is in fact Bolotin originally hails from New Haven, Connecticut and isn't even of British nationality.

"Devastated," claimed Bolton Mayor Guy Harkin, "This is a massive blow to our city's identity and the work required in rectifying this mistake could cripple us at the next budget.  There's the street names, the statues, not too mention the charities that will have to be shut down.  I guess no one did the research.  Although this does shed light on why he didn't respond to our letters."

Bolton's citizens were equally distressed by the news with Mr. Wellesley of Michael Bolton Manor claiming, "We sort of assumed everything and you know what they say, to assume is to set yourself up to look like a tit."

"Our bad," sighed Shelia Smith of How Am I Supposed To Live Without You Road.

"Honestly, I don't think we should change a thing.  What Bolton needs now is moral and shunning our identity won't help that.  Bolton is Bolton and it should stay that way," noted Sid Purt of Go The Distance Avenue.

Bolton, a city reeling.

"Who?" asked Deborah Hill of Can I Touch You...There? Street.

Sentiment wasn't all positive with Richard Holme of Michael Mews in uproar at the discovery, "I don't know what this tosser is trying to pull but he's upsetting a lot of people.  Think of the lives he is ruining."

"My faith is absolutely shattered," he continued to sob, "When a man loves a woman it's fine, but when a city loves a man its nothing but a fucking joke.  Well ha ha ha.  Bolton's taken all my love and left me a hollow shell of a man.  What are we supposed to do now?"

"We were only days away from a cure," claimed researcher Imelda Johnson of the Michael Bolton Leukaemia Research Foundation that was shut down this morning after the announcement, "That's thirty years of research down the drain.  Shit."

The Michael Bolton statue that
adorns Sexual Healing Square
in the City Centre.

Protest was strongest amongst the city's more radical fan-base with a CD and tape cassette burning scheduled to take place at Sexual Healing Square later this evening.  Bolton was unavailable for comment although his answering machine claimed that he, "Said I Loved You...But I lied."

The turmoil is set to spread nationwide with other cities double checking their research in fear of losing claim to what may or may not be their homegrown talent.  "It's a sad time," claimed Home Secretary Theresa May, "People are waking up to the fact that Julie London was from California, Michael York was a Southerner and Clarke Kent never even set foot in the home counties.  It is a sad realisation but we can at least take solace in the fact that the Britain we know and love is being represented across the world by a vast group of Americans.


Tickets for the Big Bolton Burn are £7 each on the door, no concessions.  Doors open at 7pm and remember, you bring the fuel and we'll bring the fun.

North Korea Poised To Play History's Biggest Bluff

by Shaky Parkinson

Continuing fears about North Korea's nuclear weapon capabilities have suffered a sharp knock in credibility after a meeting of world leaders has claimed the country is simply 'Bluffing' and that its technological developments haven't yet 'Passed beyond the acquisition of a Pritt Stick'.

Continuous threats coupled with only minor blanket advertising are claimed to have highlighted the world's governments to the country's lack of action, with Foreign Secretary William Hague noting, "Kim Jong-un isn't positioned to be offering us these grand threats and it appears his intentions are nothing more than idle argy bargy brought about to further an ego boost."

He continued, "He should have gotten out while the going was good, not pussy foot around with a few ifs and buts. If North Korea truly wanted to sell us the idea of a thermo-nuclear war they would have bombed Seoul weeks ago, the situation we are in now is laughable and it has been agreed that the big NK should step down from the table and call it quits."

Statements issued from Pyongyang have rebuffed the claims stating, "We're dead serious about all this. We've made it really clear that if South Korea doesn't stop ignoring us and start panicking we'll launch all our bombs and stuff at them.  If we decided to give you a tour around are really sweet army bases then you'd see that all our tech is quality and if anyone thinks we are bluffing we'll use all our blowy uppy things and hav' 'em."

Kimmy, trying to stay in high spirits
during a game of odd man out.

The foreign office was quick to reassure travellers of the region's continuing stability by claiming, "That there is no increased danger in the area and certainly no immediate threat posed to any visitors to South Korea beyond a dodgy street vendor." This feeling was reiterated by Hague who went on to claim that, "North Korea has our deepest condolences and we're just hoping this whole fiasco blows over quickly and we can all go out for a drink to settle our differences.  Maybe it's not us that needs to listen. Words don't always have to hurt.  Isn't that right Kimmy?"

South Korea was also portraying a nation in the throws of calmness with President Park Geun-hye shrugging off the threats as idle banter, "No need to worry, they do this from time to time," she stated, "It's just a thing we have.  Give it a week or so and the matter will be ancient history."

In his garden President Obama
searches for potential missiles.

These comments sparked further frustration from the North Korean capital with comments being released stating, "We are well 'ard and if no one believes us we are going to blow shit up.  We mean business and death to all the twats!  No joke, the reason we haven't fired any missiles yet is because we don't want any of you stupid foreigners living south of the border to get hurt.  That's compassion that is but we've got deadlines to hit and we've been left with no other option than to get this thermo-nuclear fun storm underway.  As soon as the wind is in the right position and the missiles have been cleaned you better watch out.  We are a nation at war and if everyone wants to ignore that and make us out to be bullies then we'll have to sort 'em out."

President Obama responded with a well received, "Oh no he didn't," before going onto say, "The threats levelled at the United Sates of America are pretty negligible, even if one of these 'missiles' could reach our shores it'll probably just buff up the work for the local archaeologists."

Japanese mount terrifying defense.

Concern however wasn't absent with Japan deploying anti-aircraft launchers reasoning, "We don't believe in bluffs.  The only thing we understand is that North Korea has said it will soon be launching some nuclear weapons our way and because the evidence shows us this is not unlikely we have no choice but to take these threat seriously.  Although these are simply just cautionary measures we don't really foresee any future problems, I mean we took down Godzilla, we got this."

Tensions and opinions are still varied although much less strained and it is this writer's hope that these threats remain idle and that no one flicks the switch.

Shark Deaths Number 100 Million A Year

by Shaky Parkinson

Statistics released today show that man's battle with nature has hit an all time high with upwards of 100 million sharks estimated to have been killed in the last 12 months.  The government is said to be  'Happy' with the increase after last years G8 summit pledged $17billion towards the fight for less scary oceans and fear free swimming.

"Myself and the other members of the G8 decided that the shark menace is one we couldn't ignore any longer," quoted Barrack Obama from Camp David last May, "With their dark beady eyes, sharp teeth and ravenous bloodlust we have act now if we ever want to rid the globe of this terrible threat to human safety."

"We still have our work."

Wallet bagging his first kill in 1981.

"We're ecstatic," claimed Dr. Ken Wallet of F.I.S.H. (Florida Institute for Shark Hunting), "This funding has not only allowed us to further a physical presence upon the seas but has given us the chance to pursue much needed research into this creatures mating habits because the way these buggers fuck means we still have our work cut out if we are ever going to get the surfing holiday we all want."

Chinese commercial fishing subsidiaries are said to have proven highly effective since their creation in June with the Chinese coast already showing exhaustion of major fishing locations.  "Francois Hollande and myself have been campaigning to incorporate China into the G8 for sometime," claimed Prime Minister David Cameron, "And the way in which they've thrown themselves into this cause is very encouraging.  They're sterling work is leading the way towards the extinction of humanity's scariest foe and their skill is only complimented by their professionalism with the cute way in which they ritualistically eat the fin from every shark they kill as a mark of respect. Adorable."

"Their limbs are safe."

OMFG!!!

"What good is a blue flag beach when the sea is infested with sharks?" claimed Tourism Minister Burt Beach, "This fish is scaring away our tourist trade and leaving our seaside's to rot in the rain.  Surely the loss of one globally disliked creature is comparable to a world where people can live in ignorance knowing that their limbs are safe from unruly predators?  Isn't that the human approach?"

Wallet continued, "Forty years ago we knew next to nothing about sharks, and if Steven Spielberg had not enlightened the world to their ways with his legendary documentary we would still be stuck in the board room discussing what to do.  His foresight gave us the time to prepare and adapt to the creature's environment so that today we can finally begin to reap the benefits of decades worth of planning."

"World specialists out of work."

Despite numerous animal rights and environmental activists forcing localised bans and litigation onto many aspects of the killing process it hasn't deterred Governments from pushing forward with their plans.  "The shark is a magnificent creature, not only will the endangering of this species put tens of oceanographers and Sea World specialists out of work but it will ruin what should be a natural fear of the ocean," claimed Cathy Newman of F.I.S.H (Friends to Investigate Shark Harassment), "Without sharks to keep them in check as the prime predator of the ocean we predict that a race of Super Crabs will rise to take their place with even more disastrous consequences for the human population and we refuse to let this become a reality."

Children at a Shark Seminar in Perth.

These concerns were swiftly swept aside when the news broke of a shark attack on 17 year old James Talward who had his tattoo disfigured while surfing off the Durban coast.  During a press conference earlier this morning the shaken youth commented, "I'd swum out past the safety nets to catch the morning break and before I knew it my Sharky and George tattoo was being agonisingly chewed up by a baby Dwarf Lantern.  It wasn't until I flicked him off that I realised the damage he'd done.  No amount of hospital bills or re-touching will prevent me being ostracised and ridiculed for my damaged ink."

In the wake of the attack the world's Governments issued joint statements claiming that their shark hunting initiatives and subsidiaries will continue as promised leaving us to ponder whether the answer to the age old question, what is yellow and dangerous is in fact a Chinese fishing trawler.

Corn Wall To Be Reinstated

by Shaky Parkinson

Amid rebuffs of independence Cornwall County Council have shocked the country be rallying volunteers to begin construction on the Corn Wall, a planned 300ft undertaking that will stretch from Plymouth to Welcombe and result in the unofficial annexing of Cornwall from the United Kingdom.

Drastic though it may be the new Corn Wall will not be the first of its kind.  In 900BC and again 1316AD corn walls were erected along the edge of Britain's 'Corn Belt' that marked the border between Devon and Cornwall and gave rise to the county's name.

"It was a big decision," claimed head of research and development for Cornwall County Council Bernard Rick, "But after many months of peaceful campaigning only to be told our desire for a free Cornwall was 'infantile on a level not even a child would understand' we decided to take matters into our own hands.  Although we would like to keep with tradition and build the fortification out of corn the idea isn't feasible or cost effective and so with a modern age comes a modern wall.  We have a long way to go yet but we are confident that in time everyone will come to love and support the project as much as our initial bunch of volunteers. "

"I'm not going to stand."

During a press conference this morning Prime Minister David Cameron was asked how he will be handling the matter and whether or not the actions taken by Cornwall were treasonous, "Sensible, no, treasonous, we can but hope.  If Cornwall want to play independence for a few days I'm not going to stand in their way but the reality is that their plans are completely unfeasible, ridiculous and infantile on a level not even a child would understand."

Artists impression of original
900BC Corn Wall.

He continued, "I mean where will they get the stones?  Years of mining have exhausted all their natural resources and if history has shown us anything it's that you cannot build a defensive 300ft barrier out of tin scraps.  It's just stupid.  However if it comes down to it we'll fight them, no matter how absurd the fight we can't have rogue counties causing mayhem in this manner.  A joke's a joke but that's as far as we'll let them take it."

"So."

Native Truro Architect Richard Price (8th Generation) has been asked to oversee the project, "This is the biggest undertaking of its kind and I'm proud to be apart of the project. We not only want the wall to be practical but also aesthetically pleasing, so we plan on using imported British cement for the structure and a beautiful Cornish granite for the facing, thus illustrating the strength and beauty that emblazons the Cornish people themselves."

"I'm simply the first link in a chain that will go on for the 250 years it will take to complete the wall," he furthered, "We're laying the groundwork of independence so that our grandchildren's children's great grandchildren will finally have the privilege of living in a state free from the tyrannical influence of the British Government."

"The family hopped."

News Guff was on site to speak to volunteers such as Samantha Pastry of Cambourne who has given up her time to aid the project, "After we'd heard the news the family hopped straight into the Citroen and we drove up to help.  We just had to be apart of this."

"This will really stick it to the man," claimed Edgar Plunk of Wendron.

"FREEDOM!!!" claimed Badger Dennings of Looe.

"Get those crazy fucks."

Support for the Corn Wall has already progressed beyond the confines of the county with Devonshire County Council committing extra workmen to aid in construction, "We just have to get rid of them," claimed Devonshire Councillor Kerry Hill, "It's always independence this and independence that so we've sent in labourers to quicken construction and get those crazy fucks locked away forever.  With them gone we can finally give the Devonshire Pasty its deserved placing as the nation's favourite heated snack and finally put Devon on the map."

Working? The Israeli
West Bank Barrier.

Support also came from further afield with Norfolk and Shropshire County Councils both in plans to dissociate themselves from British rule.  A spokesperson for Norfolk County Council stated, "We are sick of being left behind and if Britain is heading towards a state state then we want to be first in the queue."

"We've witnessed these projects fail."

Walls have been used throughout history as a simple form of segregation but UN Worker David Baulderdash has been quick to criticise the Corn Wall and it's unnecessary instigation, "The wall is only a means to distill a short term conflict and cannot succeed as a long term peaceful goal. Despite what they say people don't like to be separated and we've witnessed these projects fail time and time again.  When you think really hard about it, the idea of a Corn Wall is very much retarded."

The feelings of Baulderdash were mirrored by many inhabitants of the Cornish region that resulted in a riot at the workers construction HQ at Launceston.  "You don't just go around building walls without good cause," claimed protest organiser Kenneth Gill, "We believe that words and negotiation are what is needed here, so these idiots can fuck off while we burn down their campsite."

Construction HQ, Launceston.

"They may think they are keeping everyone else out but really they are locking us all in," claimed fellow activist Gemma Beach, "I've seen the plans and although the granite is a lovely touch the project is simply barmy.  I'm all for displays of mass action but as a county there is no reason why we need independence from our neighbours, and we sure as shit don't need a 300ft wall blocking out our most enjoyable asset."

After the riot left three people bruised and eight tents flattened the Territorial Army sent in reserve troops to monitor the scene but with rumours of rain, excessive tea breaks and malcontent circulating, the chaotic diplomatic affairs amongst the Cornish ranks could already spell doom for the plan.